Do I confront or keep quiet - Al-Anon Family Group

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Do I confront or keep quiet

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

To me it is different when kids are involved.

To me dearest it is more maybe a place to put a boundary.

If he is amiable to talk, it can be for example. Honey we are all responsible for our own decisions. However I need help with this. I would like to ask a boundary be set.

That when child has someone over, you do not drink or do not drink or be drunk here.

If he does choose to drink then a consequense is set up. If he does break the boundary, then you will immediately take the kids somewhere. movies, hiking, whatever. When he is sober talk to him how sad your child will be as he can no longer have anyone over.

Does this help at all? I would NEVER even take my kids to parties with the A when we were young., no way. I never took them anywhere that was not well family stuff where there was no smoking or drinking or cussing. It was just how we were brought up. NOT saying other ways of living are not ok for others!

If you did not have kids, it would be more of a well you live with An actived A, they drink, its his business. So what are you going to do?

I learned it was his choice and never said a word. I honestly quit caring. Just loved to have him home, and never arguing. If he got nastish I just watched tv in my bedroom, read in the sunroom or barn whatever.

His disease was his and his alone. All I could do was love him, and be with him when I could.

I hope it goes ok. I tried to remember all the time that my A was sick. He did drugs he just did. NOT personal to me,not to bug me. The disease had him by the uno's....hugs,debilyn

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

To me the question would be: what would you hope to accomplish by confronting him? It's definitely not acceptable, that's certain. But will he control his drinking if you mention that it's unacceptable? Has he been able to control his drinking recently? Is he the kind who compartmentalizes things or does he decide to drink and to heck with everything else?

To my mind, the question is where you can set the boundary where it can be enforced. Asking an alcoholic not to drink -- well, if that worked, there would be no alcoholism. I would think that boundaries that might work might be that he can't be at your house, or that your son should not have friends sleeping over. Those are things that you can control. His drinking you probably cannot control, unless he is an intermittant drinker. If that is the boundary, you might think: what is the Plan B if he does drink when he's not supposed to, and you have a kid sleeping over (or even just your son)? What would be the plan to do?

I think you're wise to realize that most parents wouldn't want their kids sleeping over if encountering a drunk dad were a possibility. Sadly if your A is anything like mine, he probably won't understand the situation the same way. ("But I'm never drunk! But he won't see me anyway! You're just trying to control me!" etc. Been there done that.)

Take what you like and leave the rest. Hugs.

kris10 · Senior Member

My question would be... ( and please dont take this harshly) what is the difference between him being drunk around other peoples kids and just yours??? Is it somthing you are embarassed about and dont want the other mothers to know about your home?? If it is that then I must tell you that your A IS NOT YOU!! Nor is he a reflection on you!! This is good news!! Or are you worried about anything harmfully happening to the kids??? If that is the case then we have to protect our children and ourselves first... I totally get what you mean by this post and either situation is hard... Set up boundries if you have to and always work on yourself.. Know that YOU are not the A and it is not your fault and you are not a bad person or mother for loving him.... Take care!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

This is something I'm dealing with now on a different front, all I can suggest is taking a look at your motives and giving it to God. I kind of feel like in my situation I know there is going to come a time and asking God to give me the right words. I also have to recognize that I have my own agenda going on too. So are my motives clear and clean, if they are my communication will be as well. Again I know God will give me the right words as well as present the time to approach the situation.

You've gotten some great ESH!!

Hugs P :)

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Many years ago I was told by a councelor * by my silence my husband was assuming that what he was doing was okay with me.* Louise

Jadie · Veteran Member

I'm with Abbyal

We have our own (and our children's health and serenity) to protect..... we need to say what we mean, mean what we say......and not say it mean.

Silence can be another form of enabling......

Jadie x

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I think his thinking is: well, the kids are sleeping so I can start drinking now. He didn't even start drinking until 2 AM and was still drinking at 5 AM. I wasn't about to wake up the kids just because he was drunk. One of my AH's issues with his parents was that he was embarrassed to have friends come over to his house when he was a teen because one of his parents was usually drunk. So, I use that example to him when I address his 'example setting' behavior. I keep telling him that eventually our son will see him drunk at an inappropriate time and that it's not setting the right example to drink in a closet, get drunk alone, and then expect everyone to accept the behavior.
He is away on business until tomorrow and I think I'll be more level headed and will be able to approach him about this when he gets back. If he doesn't get where I'm coming from, that's his problem. At least I can rest assured that I tried to communicate a boundary and how his behavior affects the family and has consequences not just limited to himself. There are others that can be affected by his choices, and that's where I need to focus.

danni · Senior Member

Ugh. I just lost a response I tried to post. sigh. try again :) After a year in Al Anon, I have done a great job staying out of the way of my AH's drinking and detatching. I am realizing now that it is also acceptable to set boundries. Last week, I set one for the first time since I started going to meetings. It was re: drinking during the day. We have a 2 and 5 yr old, and my AH limits his drinking to after we have all gone to bed. I was worried he would drink at home with a drinking friend he was having lunch with. After speaking with my sponser (do you have one? I find it SO helpful to get this additional support), I stated clearly and calmly, one time, that if he was planning on drinking at home after the lunch, I would feel extremely uncomfortable. I left it at that. This took a TREMENDOUS amount of courage for me. The drinking has been less lately, and I was concerned about upsetting him. But I did it to help me feel better and to let him know where I was at with it, with no lecture or persuading etc...He responded well and respected the boundry. most importantly, I was able to enjoy my day with the kids instead of worrying. If he had not respected the boundry, well, who knows? I am taking it one challenge at a time. I would have made some phone calls, posted here, and taken some time to figure out my next move. Sending you support and understanding!

never going back · Senior Member

Boundaries are very important for my own peace of mind.

"Say what you mean, but don't say it mean."

nyc018 · Senior Member

It's always a tough call when it comes to when, if, and how to say something. Toby Rice Drews has a great book "Getting Them Sober" and it does advocate confronting them so long as they are sober (that is key). Doing it while they're drunk is useless but boundaries need to be set and the time to talk to them about it is when they are clear headed. It may or may not achieve the desired result, but at least you are setting out the parameters of what is acceptable to you and what isn't. Wishing you support.

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