I wish I could believe this gets better - Al-Anon Family Group

atheos · Senior Member

I wish I could believe this gets better

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I have found that when you get people to talk about themselves, and express interest, they think you're wonderful. That's my take on it from this formerly (and still often) weird, shy, awkward girl.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Self esteem and self worth are not something we can get from other people it has to come from inside us .. I am assuming you qualify for Al-Anon because your posting on this board , if your not already please find meetings for yourself there you will learn to be the person you were meant to be and you wil find acceptance of who you are with out judgement . Self esteem comes slowly with it comes courage to step out of the box you have put yourself in for so long . Now is the time to take care of yourself you are worth the effort and no one can do this for you . Thinking of you today trust me it does get better . Louise

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

I can only share my experience, strenght an hope.

It has got better for me, not just better but I am starting to love life again. But I had to work hard to learn how to love me to take care of me. I attend to meetings al anon and Coda. I read everyday, I talk to other members on the phone and much more. If you want to get better you are in the right place. I will tell you what I was tole when I first came around try 6 meetings and we will ;love you till you can love yourself.

keep coming back it works if you work it.

hugs tracy xxxx

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Atheos, does it make you unhappy to stay home and read? Part of loving yourself is knowing youself - what you like, what you don't like, what makes you happiest, what you REALLY don't want in your life. You say you don't know how to be someone else but maybe the more important question is, do you want to be someone else? If you are truly unhappy with your ackwardness in social situations and want to change how you are, then time spent improving social skills would be a good thing. If you truly love being home alone and curling up with a good book - to thine ownself be true - embrace what makes you unique and to heck with what anyone else thinks.

I do things for people because it makes me feel good inside to have done something that made a difference in their life, no matter how small. I do not do things for everybody because I don't like everybody, ha, and I believe some people need to do for themselves - but I pick which things I do for which people and I only do for those who make me happy when I do it - sounds selfish typing it out that way but I mean the type of "serving mankind like Mother Theresa" type of things - it satisfies my desire to give back to God when I do it.

I try to watch out for those who are just looking to take advantage of my generous nature - I am no longer quick to say yes, I often say no. It was hard at first, to say no; but it gets easier and the more you do it, the more you are able to feel inside if you want to say yes or no. It isn't doing things for others that we mind, its finding ourself doing what we don't want to do for them just to "be nice".

And, last but not least - I am also ackward in certain social situations; I am very quiet sometimes, especially around people I don't know very well - it has to do with not opening myself up for hurt; those I am open and comfortable with I can laugh, tell jokes, get a few really good zingers in even, (I once went into a "lily tomlin type act on carving a watermelon that had people howling - they were amazed that I had "that" in me) - but truthfully, it takes me a lot of time to size people up and let my guard down. You are not alone being ackward in social situations, I'm sure that the majority of people are.

Julie3310 · Veteran Member

I too feel like this. I have never had a healthy relationship with a guy because I always have taken care of them. They didnt deserve me and I paid and cared for everything like i was their mother. I always say sorry for everything even if it is not a big deal. I offer my cigarettes just to be nice and social. I always help everyone and offer to do everything.

I feel like I live my life through other people's acceptance. Sad!

I am letting a manipulative crack addict take over my life as we speak. He calls me from jail wanting this and this and I feel guilty and bad if I dont do it for him.

I know for a fact I am co dependent and i have been living this long accepting it and seeing that it does nothing wrong

thats until I started feeling empty and lost.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Honey let me tell you something. Most all people feel like you. It is not being fat or skinny or dull or exciting. In my experience it is more learning who I am and what I like.

Hey I love to read too. Instead of partying I stayed home and rode my horse or watched Star Trek or played with my animals.

Have always felt different, BUT when I took classes on self awareness, volunteered at places I liked to be, I found out who I was and I liked me.

I like that I would rather be volunteering at an animal sanctuary than going shopping or out to lunch. Or not partying but spending time with ONE friend.

My life is full of aloneness which I thrive on. I have six dogs so what? My cabin is clean and cute, they make me laugh and keep me warm and love me no matter what. stuck with me longer than most men.

I invite you to get books and or take classes where you are asked questions so you can know you!

I remember there was a book of questions, "if you could go to anywhere in the world, with endless money, would you pull the wings off a butterfly?"

Well of course NO I would not. but omg there were most who would. That is how I got to know me and I liked her very much., Then found out thru they internet groups there were other unique nuts just like me!

(c: I am not fat or skinny, in fact when I thought I was fat I wasn't! the goal is to eat healthy, take care of YOU. dress comfy for you. Your body will reflect that. I did little changes like airpop popcorn, tangerines, NEVER eat donuts or any crap. Developed a yummy low fat all natural cheese cake! lol I LOVE to eat.

I like that in me. lol Find what you love! baking? planting flowers, natural yfoods? survival? etc.

I tell ya now, people tell me they want to be me when they grow up. I mean my friends tell me that. When we stick to being true to ourselves..."To thine self be true." we shine!People love others who are comfy with themselves and do not try to follow the crowd.

I learned I liked to listen more than talk. I went to some parties and sat and watched and listened and smiled. (c:

Its ok to be quiet and be a noodle gazer.

If you read a good book on something, you can say I am into reading right now. Or learn to play the guitar. I tell ya not much is cooler than having friends who can play a guitar. If you can't talk that is a huge help.

I also was not seen anywhere without my dog. ARe you into animals? ALL shelters need volunteers. Those animals LOVE to have you spend time with them. When I was grieving hard, though I had my own animals I volunteered walking, running and training dogs. They listened to me cry and I taught them to be cool so they would get a good home.

You have TONS to give, you really do. Find her. Nothing,nothing is more beautiful in my experience than to be around people who love who they are. It makes them uncritical of others, they are comfy in their own skin and they smile.

everyone is beautiful when they smile. Even a starving toothless person. I mean that.

you can pm me anytime. I had a neat support group for teens in our hi school. was great. Cept the truths that came out. rrrrr I loved those girls... we go thru too much!

It does get better but we have to work at it and want it and NO you do not have to change you completely at all, we just need to help you find out who you are and what you love, there is so much more of you to be discovered!! JUST you!!!

ps look, some of the most beautiful women in the world have curves, and meat on their bones. YOU my dear are one of them...

debilyn

usedtobeanyer · Senior Member

This reminds me so much of me as a young person--late teens/early to mid-20's. I can identify so much with it. Now that I am older and wiser (ha ha), if I could go back in time and tell that younger me something, it would be--it gets better if you want it to get better. I spent so many years just waiting and waiting for someone or something to come along and make things "better". I had brief experiences where I'd start a new relationship and would think "ok, this is it, it is better". But inevitably the relationship would end and I would be back where I started. And ultimately I met my now wife and we fell in love and got married and then things were definitely, completely, absolutely going to get better. Um, not so much.

My point to you is again, it gets better when you decide you want to get better. It is an inside job, as many have told me. It's scary and hard, but it's empowering as well. I really wish I had known that in my younger years. People will think of you what they will, and most of the time they will think of you what you think of yourself.

danni · Senior Member

My sponser is constantly reminding me to not compare my insides to someone's outsides. Who really know what others are thinking and feeling about themselves and who they are presenting to the world. You have already gotten great ESH, so I just want to send you support. I feel awkward and have an almost painful desire to fit in sometimes where I really, naturally don't. There is a great passage in courage to change or One Day at a Time, that talks about letting go of working so hard trying to fit somewhere just to be accepted, even if it is not a natural fit for us. Having a sponser and starting to work on the steps has helped me feel more comfortable in my skin. Sending you support!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

You've gotten great ESH, however we call all tell you it gets better and until you really believe it will get better it doesn't matter what we say. I want to hear more about your 90 day experiment!!? How is that going? I admire you for putting all this out there and working on yourself because it takes true courage to face our past and our fears.

I can tell you the best thing I have done for myself is given myself permission to stop going back to try and fix my broken past. It just isn't going to happen, as bad as I want to rewrite my history it just is what it is and nothing in the world is going to change that fact. This is the hand I was dealt and there are some amazing people who have made that lemonade out of lemons and I'm tired of walking around with that sour puss look on my face.

What you stated about the awkward girl deal I so identify with as well, only I wasn't the fat girl I was the skinny girl who just couldn't like myself no matter what and I look back now and based upon what I've heard in open AA meetings I could have easily been the one in that chair instead of the alanon chair. I still struggle with social skills and trying to fit into the cool kids table. That's something at some point that will resolve itself and I'm determined to make my own "cool kids table" only I want to rename it the "weird kids cool table" :)

Keep coming back and keep working on you .. it really really really does get better. It gets better when we stop trying to change the things we can't control and focus on what we can.

Hugs P :)

oldergal · Senior Member

GREAT POST

I admire your courage to admit exactly where you are in your life. To open up, so that others may also do the same.

I too am an avid reader, listener, a loner and methodical But the world needs us. We are not all show, our soul is deeper than a lot of people. Al-Anon program is helping me to understand what I think happiness looks like for ME.

Thanks Atheos

In Support Oldergal.......

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with one of the other posts, but especially 'likemyheart'
Why is sitting home reading books a bad thing?
Who says what activities or hobbies are right or wrong.
I am generally a shy person, which most people laugh at because when I am out, I am the life of the party often. This is a facade that I put on. I push myself to be outgoing, happy, funny etc etc. It is a major effort and I feel like I am acting.
My shyness and reluctance to participate is also stemmed in my weight issue.

I would get laughed at, at school, during sports days or physcial activity. I was tall and well developed and overweight. It was so much nicer to sit in the corner and read a book and 'escape' to where no one knew me at all.

You know what I have discovered lately... other people felt the same way!!!!

Do you like to read books, do you like to stay home? Be happy within yourself first, then you may feel ok to venture out.

By the way, have you read the Diana Gabaldon series... "Voyager"... wow.. now there is a great series of books to get your teeth into. I have found three other people that are mad about the series (I know they like it because when I was asked what I did on the weekend I talked about this great book I was reading).. its better because its not a miniseries or a movie so its all your own imagination... pm if you wanna hear more

John · ~*Service Worker*~

"but awkward and uptight and uncool is all I've ever been, I don't know how to be anything else."

Now I have a real, honest, serious question I want to ask you, and I want you to ask yourself this...

Who TOLD you this stuff about yourself?

Suggestion: Go into the bathroom, stand in front of the sink, look into the mirror and tell her she is full of shit!

You are a great, wonderful, dynamic woman, who is cool as beans, who has a heart of gold, and is getting better EVERY DAY!

John

atheos · Senior Member

Thank you so much everyone for all your wonderful replies and ESH -- I'm definitely bookmarking this thread!

Debilyn, your post particularly resonated with me -- I've never really even taken time to figure out what I like, and should really do that.

The feelings aren't just going to *poof* go away like I wish they would, but now whenever they come on strong I will have this thread and everybody's wonderful replies to re-read. Thank you all.

-- Edited by atheos on Tuesday 17th of January 2012 12:25:31 PM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.