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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Self psychoanalysis an imperfect science
Post Info TOPIC: Self psychoanalysis an imperfect science
Iris lover of dogs


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confuseI read something yesterday on the message board that made me think - something about when you are codependent, a good day is when you catch your AH in the act, doing something wrong. 

This rung a bell with me, because often times when my AH has betrayed my trust (again),  I am hurt, furious, and then . . . a strange smile comes to my lips.  Almost like I'm thinking "ha, ha, I'm right, I'll never be able to trust you, I'm right, I'm right".  But I'm not really thinking anything like that - the feeling just comes.  It always throws me off - I don't feel it coming, but then it is there, this feeling of triumph.  So, my question is - where does this come from?  I know that it is an unhealthy reaction, because it feels unhealthy - I feel poisoned from the inside out when this happens.  But it feels powerful - I feel powerful when I feel that feeling. 

Here is my theory of why this happens: 

I always feel guilty (and have since I was a child) if I feel good for some reason - I'm having a good day, something good just happened to me - if someone I love is not OK (which has pretty much always been the case!).  This is a barrier to happiness - to freedom - that I have felt all my life . . . it is like looking longingly through a tall wire fence at the place you want to go - all sunny and beautiful, but being stuck on the other side of the fence, with the unhappy people.  So, my theory is:  the only way I feel that I can "justify" feeling good for myself is by seeing my AH as so bad - he has betrayed me again! ha, ha!, that he doesn't deserve my empathy/sympathy/attention, thus freeing me to feel OK and happy myself. 

I know that this is a bit deep and theoretical, but I wonder whether anybody else has this pattern of behavior? 

I know instinctually that the healing from this pattern is to allow myself to take care of myself - I am allowed to be OK and happy EVEN when loved ones are having problems.  But this is a VERY, VERY hard thing for me to do. 

Thank you for your thoughts.



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Iris lover of dogs
hotrod


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DeAR IRIS

THIS SOUNDS LIKE THE BEGINNING OF A POWERFUL 4TH STEP. WHEN I WORKED MY 4TH STEP  I DISCOVERED THIS AND MANY OTHER SELF DFFEATING TOOLS THAT I HAD DEVELOPED IN CHILDHOOD THAT NO LONGER SERVED ME.  THEY PREVENTED ME FROM FEELING JOY AND HAPPINESS.  THEY INSURED THAT IW OULD CONTINUE TO BE A VICCTIM FILLED WITH ANGER, SELF PITY, RESENTMENT AND FEAR.

THYE STEPS ARE THE ANSWER TO FREEDOM  THANK GOD FOR ALANON AND THE NEW TOOLS TO LIVE BY

KEEP COMING BACK AND SHARING



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

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Jennifer


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Iris, I have found many similar personality traits within myself through meditation and 4th step work. Keep the focus and care on you. We and the outcome is worth the work

Jen

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Debilyn


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Great share but the most important thing:

That is the cutest picture of your dog! lol hugs!!!!! debilyn



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"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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Iris lover of dogs


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Debilyn - I was inspired to use a picture of my Monty-dog as an avatar after seeing so many cute pets - including your piggy in the bath!  I just love that picture of him looking at the duck - makes me smile every time I look at it.   I'll have to switch out my pic every once in a while - I have a million Monty pix!



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Iris lover of dogs
Lindaoakford


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Yes I can so identify with this.
I have not really thought about it like this though. I just figured it was my addiction to 'chaos' that fuelled that 'smile' that yo uspeak of. That is why I feel the NEED to check up on him. To KNOW if he has 'done it again'. I then feel better because I am right!!!.

I can shake and vomit and my mind is reeling and all of that.. but I am right.. he cannot be trusted and he has done it again.

I feel so much calmer not knowing any more. I found myself checking again and smelling breath an dall of that thelast few days... I pulled myself up... I got back to htinking.. "he is lying, I better keep an eye on this". Then I remembered what it felt like when I just handed it over and didn't know if he was lying or not.

I had a smile on my face for myself, not because I 'found him out'/

I am interested in your theory of where it came from.

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Debilyn


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oh that is not one of mine but here is one that is! We in the pig world shared our crazy pig pigtures!

If you can attach more of your dog I would love to see them!



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Iris lover of dogs


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Debilyn - this one is for you! Hope it makes you smile. 



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Iris lover of dogs
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