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Ugh i wrote all this out once before and i lost it somehow.. If you dont know me i have an Abf whom i recently had to kick out for him to live on the streets.. He was gone 2 weeks and i did let him back because he paid me and my son back what he owed us.. (most of it to me not all) progress not perfection right.. Anyways he has been back and doing well.. Until last night when he came home high.. I had told him when he came back to stay here that i will not have drugs in my home and i will not have him high aroun me and my son.. Well addicts do drugs thats what they do sooo.. I saw how he was lastnight when he came home and asked him if he thought he needed to stay at a friends because he was high.. Of course he denied it and i didnt argue but knew the truth.. I ended up falling asleep early watching tv but woke up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom.. I walk into the kitchen to find him dumping out a small dish of water.. ( if u know Drug users who shoot up u know what i mean) so basically busted.. I told him I didnt want this in my home and told him he needed to go... He was very high and i told him that if i needed to call the cops i could.. Im sure he had nowhere to go at 4am so when i saw him take a blanket and pillow to the couch i didnt say much... It wasnt a big fight, he wasnt crazy, i chose to gi back to bed and "keep the peace" as to not wake up my son or even just to keep my own sanity... If it were worse i would have MADE him leave (cops). So i fell back to sleep, he was quiet and respectful threw the night and stayed on the couch... In the morning he was very very high so i told him he needed to stay gone for the day or however long he was going to be like this.. He denied it and i just said " yes you are and i dont want u around me or my son when u are like this". He nodded out for a while in the bedroom.. I didnt pry but just kept me and my son busy in the livingroom playing.. Abf got up and left on him bike without saying anything... Which is fine with me.. So i followed threw to keep my own sanity... It didnt get very ugly at all and that is probablly because i handled it with care instead of with rage.. Dont get me wrong, the rage was there lol. He has been gone all day and now half the night.. I fell asleep early again by myself ( i wake up in the middle of the night alot lol) it has been a calm day and night here so far!! I dont know where he is or when he will be coming back but thats ok.. I have to keep me ok and im supper proud that I can finally stick to my own word/ boundries...
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Wonderful job, I know it is very hard. I am hoping that I can find your strength because I my life is headed there with my AS.... I will think of your strenght when it comes to that day, hugs Debbiems
Not sure what to say Kris. I support you of course, but I see your boundaries relaxing again with him more. Yeah, I think it is great you stuck to this boundary but before it was more like "Never again will I have this person in my home who will use drugs and steal from me and my son!" That clearly shifted back to "ok...well if he tries to pay me back" and "only if he is really high" and then "only if confronting him wont cause a scene."
You are stronger than you think you are. I don't know what the answers are but I do know they will come to you if you stay focused on the program.
Pinkchip you are right to see this... I guess this would still be my rollercoaster of feelings... And alot is dew to me not wanting to cause a scene in front of my son who has been having a very hard time with this as well..
He came back mid day today.. Sober. No fights. Im not dwelling on it.. He stayed gone like I asked him to so I could keep my serenity.. Everything is calm!!!
You have been on my mind. I am glad you are feeling calm.
Progress is good. As pinkchip said, just make sure your boundaries remain clear. He was still stoned wtih somewhere clean and soft to sleep.
I understand its hard with your son and not making a scene is important.
He did stay away, I am just concerned it is only because it was convenient for him to do so. It was not convenient for him to leave when he was on the nod.
Just my thoughts... take what you like and leave the rest.
I think you are going great and the most important thing is your own sanity.
Yes I agree I have been somewhat easier but I think that is because I havent been reacting with anger and rage... I havr been stopping and thinking before I do... I have a little boy that watches everything.. Also it is never ever convinient for my A to leave at any time when he is high because he always stays home and from everyone when he does it.. He gets so bad to where he doesnt make and sense and nods out standing straight up.. He hides at home because he is ashamed and doesnt want anyone to know how bad he really is.. He will nod off for days if he has enough and its pretty hard to go anywhere like that but he did leave for the whole day and night.. Im sure he was nodding off all day and probably most if not all of that night... Or he would have come home if he could.. He came home around 130 the next day and was fine... I was fine because I didnt have to see it or deal with it or fight about it.. So he is an addict and he got high, thats what they do... I just didnt let him stay home to isolate while he did it.. Sure that wasnt or isnt going to be easy for him... He goes to get his chemical assessment this week, ordered from his PO... Last time she made him do that she ordered treatment so Im thinking that is what she is trying to do again maybe???? We will see because he hasnt been doing what he needs to do for his probation so he will probably be looking at some jail time as well... Like I said before... His choice to not take 2 hours out of his week to go to 2 Aa meetings... Doesnt sound that hard to me but hey I guess when u are actively using AA is the last place you want to be.... One would think jail would be the last place you would want to be???? Ugh... His choices, his consequences... Thanks everyone..
Ha Kris, I am giggling at that sentence -one would think jail would be the last place you would want to be - yup, one would think it, eh? Sounds like its a "expecting reasonable thinking from an unreasonable person" kind of thing.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
This post made me think of my own boundaries. I watched my husband overdose and almost die so my boundaries are very strict now... I will absolutely not be around drugs. If my AH brought drugs into the house now I would call the police because I refuse to deal with it any longer. His choices, his consequences. He will do what he will do.. but not under my roof. I will not find him overdosing again or dead. I can tell when he's high now and if he comes home high I would pack up my belongings and leave if he refuses to leave. But drugs in my home I will call the police. I have not thought much about boundaries because my AH has been going to AA and outpatient and has not been using or drinking.. but I think its safe to think about it whether it is happening or not. Thanks, Kris, for the post. I recommend if you do not have a sponsor you look into getting one. Mine has really helped me a great deal.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Sending you encouragement and acknowleding your progress. On any given day, we do the best we can, and with the help of our higher power and the program, we continue to change and grow. hugs.
