What should I do when my daughter calls from a liquor store with 8 months sobrity? - Al-Anon Family Group

lindaw · Member

What should I do when my daughter calls from a liquor store with 8 months sobrity?

Too hard · Senior Member

No.

We are powerless.

You and her husband both must be very disapointed.

Sounds like she is testing herself. Sad, but she is an adult.

Unfortunately she is trying to shift the burden to you.

Stay with the Serenity prayer.

T.H

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

The best way to help her is to take care of you. At the end of my share here theres a site and number to find an al anon meeting in your area.

Coming here, reading literature, meetings all will help so much.

She is very sick and the only one who can help her is herself. We have to be strong and stay out of it. If we try to nurture etc. We make things worse.

She is an adult and it is up to her. I know its hard but their disease is not our problem. All we can do is love them, but not accept the behavior.

hugs, debilyn

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

If she is in AA and has a sponsor, this is the kind of call that should go to her sponsor -- I mean she should be calling her sponsor. Alcoholics who've been in recovery know how to get a hold of AA -- in fact pretty much everyone with a phone can get a hold of AA. Her recovery is entirely within her control -- sad to say, not within yours or anyone else's.

I know this must be so painful. I hope you have an Al-Anon group for yourself. Al-Anon helps us figure out how to turn it over to our Higher Power and focus on our own recovery. The more people in recovery in the equation, the better. Hugs.

lindaw · Member

Thank you so much for responding. I was in OA and I'm familar with the Serenity Prayer. I will take your advise. How long does the first relapse usually last? She's saying there are people who have found out by doing this that they really aren't A's. I know she was just setting herself up for failure.

lindaw · Member

I had told her to call someone with AA and of course she didn't want anyone to stop her. She has refused to get a sponsor. She had a sponsor in the beginning, but got rid of her because she didn't like her. She is the kind of person who hates to be told to do anything or any rules. Thanks for responding. Lindaw

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm afraid that sounds like wishful thinking on her part. There's a formula that an alcoholic might ask herself that goes: "If I'm an alcoholic, I shouldn't drink. If I'm not an alcoholic, I shouldn't need to drink. So why drink?"

And really, if a non-alcoholic thinks, "Am I an alcoholic? Hmm, let me take the AA quiz about it. Nope, I don't answer 'Yes' to any of those questions. I rarely drink and I don't feel any compulsion about it. It's never gotten me into trouble, people have never mentioned it to me, and I could take it or leave it, and I usually leave it" -- once they've done that, is the first thing they do is to run out to a liquor store and start buying? Well, you know the insanity as well as any of us.

The first relapse can last hours or it can last decades. Everyone is different. It will be up to her to hit bottom again. Right now she is trying out the idea that she can drink and nothing bad will happen. I have a feeling the truth to that will become apparent all too soon. But denial is such a feature of alcoholism that facing it may not happen as soon as everyone else would like.

Do take good care of yourself. It's hard.

lindaw · Member

Thank you so much for your advise. I know you are right and I just pray I can keep my mouth shut! There isn't a al-anon group here that I can find on the list. Right now, this has to be my group. I really appreciate all of you responding so quickly. I do feel better just knowing you are here to help. Please pray for her. lindaw

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I remember something similar regarding my exalcoholic/addict wife in which I was glad to be in the program at the time and my response to my wife was you are responsible for your choices and the consequences of those choices and then I turned back to the TV program I was watching at that time. I would not do what it was that I had always or usually done before getting into program even though she stated "But you've always done it that way".

"I know I did and that's changed now" was all I had to say before detaching mind, body, spirit and emotions. Thank God for Al-Anon oh and Lois and Anne

((((hugs)))) smile keep coming back.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

There is nothing you can do really. She is one of those ones who sounds like they didn't want AA for themselves enough at the start. I was so beat down that I did whatever my sponsor said and had no problems with that. The sad thing is that she probably will succeed with having only one drink or two for the night and that will be her twisted confirmation. What she is not taking into account is that within a few more weeks she will be back to drinking the same amount or more. I could do controlled drinking sometimes but it was torture and that is not the way I wanted to drink. Normal drinkers don't struggle with having 1 or 2. That is just what they do. It is sad that people need to do some much research before surrendering to the obvious. Sometimes the obvious needs to smack us in the face - Mine came in the form of a drunk car wreck and a break up of a 7 year relationship. Prior to that, it was BS, excuses, and the same kind of dysfunctional logic your daughter is showing.

It is going to be painful to watch but whatever bad happens as a result of this relapse - It is probably going to be more steps closer to her actual bottom. Also, I would add that I NEVER NEVER heard anyone in AA say that they found out they were not an alcoholic from doing that controlled drinking experiment. She has it twisted. People say that if you can't do that you are an alcoholic for sure. Just cuz you can do controlled drinking 1, 2, or many times does not mean you are a normal drinker/non alcoholic. If anything, I have heard millions of people state they were able to do controlled drinking sometimes, or even most of the time but the alcohol always wound up leading them to the same horrible spot or usually worse than it originally did. "Control" over drinking is amibiguous and the alcohol will trick us into thinking we have contol. At first it will be "See I stopped at 1! I have control!" Then it will be "See I stopped at 4. I have control!" Then it will be "I didn't scream at my husband or get all emotional! I have control!" Then "I didn't pass out or do anything horrible that I don't remember! I have control!" and so on and so on....

Mark

Jadie · Veteran Member

Nothing.......for her

For you? Al-anon face to face meetings will support you.

Relapse can be short or long, some jump back in the saddle of sobriety pronto others can keep the research going through many 'bottoms'

I agree that in her telling you she is putting it on you and whatever you say she can throw back at you anytime. If she was following the AA programme she would take this to her group/sponsor & as you say at this moment in time she doesnt want to be stopped.

Take care of you.

In support

Jadie x

lindaw · Member

Thanks to all of you for your repsonses. She called this morning to say it wasn't as big a deal as she thought it would be and that she only had 2 drinks. I had prayed all night for
her, but you are all correct - it's up to her. Thanks, lindaw

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

lindaw, I recommend the meetings on the chatroom here if you absolutely have no way to get to a face to face meeting but ultimately, even if its an hour drive.. they are worth it.

lindaw · Member

Thanks Michelle. I'll do my best to get to a "real" meeting.
lindaw

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