The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
hi all, i am hurting alot right now so i thought i would share it here with you guys. i asked my abf to leave new years day. just when i thought i was ready to accept certain things, i noticed as we were going to bed he was trying to hide more valiums. my heart sank and then the next day i just couldnt handle it anymore, i totally lost it, at this point i felt like i could not take anymore i caught a glimpse of myself and looked worse than him, like i seriously needed to be checked in somewhere because i looked like the one who was badly withdrawing from whatever. i really didnt recognise who i was, i was shaking and could not stay away from the toilet as my stomach kept churning. i was not sleeping or eating. i had enough and just broke down and asked him to leave, i was sick of his unpredictability, the lies upon lies upon more lies. the sheer denial urgh was not a good day. since then it has been tough because i miss the man who seems to have gone far away with this relapse. he has no feelings or even cares. its tough seeing him like this. this is not him. he is sleeping at his parents, but i am now at a point where as much as im heartbroken and so want him to get well again. i refuse to have him back until i feel it is what he wants but in the mean time he is in so much denial it is sad. i have since met up with a wonderful woman who is an addictions counsellor and deals with the family. this has been a good outlet for me to meet with someone f2f as well as coming here each day to read the posts. but more than anything this has a huge effect on my son who is only 22 mths old. my heart is breaking for my dear little boy, who was once so so close with his daddy, and never used to leave his side they would be laughing and joking around all day and now he is like a lost little lamb that has became more quiet and follows me everywhere, when his daddy has come to see him, he is not interested in him and runs to me. abf will then make a huge fuss of our daughter its like my son can sense he is not the same and abf can feel it too. this has been the hardest for me. but still abf will refuse to see this and call me a liar. i did not argue back instead i quietly asked him to just leave. its hard as he is in so much denial. i have had the family trying to get me to have him back. but as much as i feel im going against everything that normally seems comfortable. im done i know i also need the help but honestly feel its impossible to do this when i have him in my face, i just feel it to much to cope with.know i am totally powerless as much as i hate to admit that its the truth, the feelings of guilt have been huge. i didnt get to go to my first alanon meeting that i was supposed to go to on monday. and i was going to get abf to come over on sunday after i have put my babies to bed and watch them for a couple of hours while i go, but now i feel its just so much easier when hes not around me because it so heartbreaking when i see him im very hurt and angry and just seem to react badly on these feelings, nothing changes with him only i get worse arrghh so confused to ask him or not as i dont have anybody else. thankyou so much guys for being here and allowing me to get this out.
You probably have tried so hard to solve this huge problem.
In my experience change happens through a crisis, this is what is happening now in your home....and it is painful.
You can go back a step in this process and have things as they were before or continue through this valley of tears, step by step with the help of Al-Anon.
Take just one day at a time.....it is always your decision.
I am so sorry that you are in so much pain at this point and time. It's so good that you come here and share as well as have someone f2f who can help you. I truly hope you make the meeting on Monday. It makes such a huge difference to be with people who get where you are coming from. It's such a safe place to be.
The whole issue of looking in the mirror and realizing that the person with the actual chemical dependency looks better than we do is a hard reality to face. You are taking care of you and your child. Doing what is in your best interests is the best. The book Getting Them Sober is a great read, I know it's about alcohol, the important thing is that addiction is addiction.
They have the addiction to the substance we have the addiction to the person who is involved with the addiction. The highs and lows of the relationship really get to be the focus of our own stuff.
Keep taking care of you and be gentle with yourself it will get better.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I am so glad you're getting support. No one should have to go through this alone. I hope you also have a face-to-face meeting you can go to? A sponsor would be a wonderful support.
Remember that parents with addictions cannot be there for their children even if they are physically present. You know what it's like to live with someone whose primary focus is his addiction. We think kids don't notice so much but they do. They feel even more than we do, "Why does daddy love drugs/alcohol more than me? Am I not good enough?" Of course it's not like that -- it's not about not being good enough -- but it is much harder for children to realize that, and harder to avoid being damaged by the whole dynamic. It is a blessing not to have that in children's faces every day. He is the one who has kept him away from his children; you are not the one. It is his choices. You are keeping your children safe. Please don't lose sight of that. It is heartbreaking to watch kids loving someone who cannot love them back in a healthy way. But that is why it is doubly important that we take good care of themselves, so they have a stable, healthy model in their lives. They find that kids with one stable resource do well. So you are protecting your kids (and yourself -- no less worthy of protection).
But the fact is that we get addicted to the person just as they get addicted to the substance. Our withdrawal is hard too. It helps to remember the chaos and insanity that the addiction brings with it. It also helps to have all the support possible. It sounds as if you have a lot of awareness. Keep on taking good care of yourself. Hugs.
I'm so sorry serenity seeker. It is so hard, and you have so much you are dealing with. I believe that it gets better, but only if we take care of ourselves. So, follow your heart, which is your best guide. Believe in yourself. Remember: you have a right to be happy, and to live a life of serenity. I'm sending a prayer your way.
I am so sorry. This sounds incredibly painful. I have two little ones, and I know how painful it is when this affects them. I am glad you are here, are planning to get to a f2f meeting, and open to getting the support you need and deserve. I really believe that getting support and knowledge is the best thing you can do for yourself and the best gift you can give your precious children. I feel for all of you. One day at a time...hugs
I am so sorry you are going through this too. I just wanted to add that it is really hard what you are going through and its going to be one step at a time....you have to get out there to meetings and such to build a support system so that you have more help available to you and more friends and such. This is part of the process of detaching and getting of the insane merry go round of feeling you have no choice but to be with your ABF. It would be better if you brought the babies to a meeting just to begin to make those connections...
I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. The bottoms are hard to work through. The lies for me were very very difficult.
I had many many entanglements with the ex A by the time I got to a bottom, a home, cars, trucks, pets, all the things that go along with a relationship. The problem was there was not commitment from him. We didnt' get them by building a relationship, I forced it all the way along the line. I got tired of confronting, arguing, sorting out the lies, obsessing and more. i got tot he point where I could not do it anymore.
Since that day I have left the ex A for good. I have no more contact with him at all. I don't miss any of the insanity. I do miss what I believed there was but now I think that was all a lie too. Alcoholism takes no prisoners it just destroys everything it is path.
