A closet drinker - Al-Anon Family Group

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

A closet drinker

danni · Senior Member

Sending you TONS of support! You are really walking the walk. This takes courage and faith and support. Sounds like you're covered! Again, so much support and understanding coming your way. Your approach makes sense to me. hugs.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks, Danni. You know what else is funny? He also has a plastic container of mixed nuts in there! It's like he's gotta have those nuts to go with his beer, LOL! At this point, I find myself laughing at the insanity of it all.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs ILD,

Sometimes it's all we can do is find a way to laugh at the absurdity of it all. Sending love and support, hugs P :)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

ILD,

I used to drink like that too. It was not because I thought I was getting away with anything or fooling anyone so much as I just didn't want to be bothered and the whole point of drinking in an alcholic way is to check out and feel nothing. It is harder to accomplish that when family members and loved ones are present. So I don't know if this will help you even more to not take it personally, but it really is not all about being sneaky as much as it is about being unencumbered and alone while engaging in the self-sabotaging behaviors.

I like your ideas for how to respond (by not reacting) but he still has responsibilities as a husband and father and drinking all night may impede on those as well. There is a way to communicate that such that is not name calling or trying to call him out on the act of drinking. I guess what I'm saying is try to mind your own boundaries while "not reacting." You should react (or at least respond) if he is drunk and passed out on the floor when your children might see him or when they need him or even when you need him.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Pinkchip, it's funny that you mention that. I actually found him walking/stumbling around in the early AM. He was going to go to sleep on the couch but I knew that my son and his friend who were sleeping over could possibly wake up early. So, I had him go to the bedroom. What does bother me is that my son had a friend over and I have no idea if the kids saw or heard him at night. Since he was locked in his closet, I'm sure they probably didn't 'see' anything but I'm wondering if his friend will go home and mention that, "Gee, my friend's dad sure does keep weird hours." This is probably the only part of it that I will address. I can't tell him, "Don't drink when son has a friend over", because I had a small glass of wine after dinner and he'd call me out as a hypocrite. I drink a glass of wine about 3 times a week because I enjoy it and AH gets suspicious if I don't keep wine in the house because then he thinks I'm sending him the, "you suck because you're hiding alcohol and hiding your drinking" message and I just won't keep alcohol in the house. Weird, I know. He sees malice in ways that I wouldn't even think of. He's always had the mentality that everyone is out to get him. You know what, though? He's actually been really good lately with his behavior. He's been supportive, kind, and a good dad lately. All of a sudden, over the past week or so, I have noticed the late night drinking thing. Again, I wonder if he's falling into some sort of manic behavior due to the Paxil? Not that it gives him an excuse to drink, but I think the drugs he's taking have something to do with it. As long as I keep my mouth shut, he's pretty reserved and amicable. The minute I open my mouth, all heck breaks loose because he sees everything as an attack on him personally instead of it being about the behavior itself. Does any of that make sense?

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

It does make sense. He knows it's setting a terrible example for your son to be drinking like that and it is interfering with your marriage. At the same time the drinking makes him feel good and relieves all these neurotic and crazy thoughts in his head. Also, if he imagines you attacking him and harping on him, that just gives more stress and then he has even more of a "need" to relieve that stress by drinking. This is the cycle by which addictions are formed and maintained. That lashing out is part of how an addiction feeds itself, creating more tension, stress, and ultimately driving them deeper into the bottle for relief from the self imposed stress.

I am just praying he gets sick of the cycle and recognizes it for what it is before he suffers more and before you or your family suffer
more. Til then, all these alanon tools do seem to be giving you much more serenity.

Mark

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

But, boy do I wish I could get rid of some of my resentment today. We're having friends over for dinner and I wish I could just cancel. I'm so not in the mood to be friendly and be a good host. I am praying that he gets sick of the cycle, too, and gets better help for himself. Right now he's only meeting with his psych. every 3 months to just get his Paxil renewed. I don't think he's actually getting any actual counseling. To him, it's all hunky dory and perfect.

Too hard · Senior Member

Hiding the bottle is something my husband did for nearly 20 years....even starting the early morning drinking with the bottle in the chook/chicken shed!

Of course I also 'protected' him as much as possible from the consequences too. I covered for him when friends were around. Gave excuses to the children for him passing out, gave excuses to his boss when he rang to speak to him.

I played the 'Enabler' part well...thinking I was helping..ie in relationships, finances and his work.

I enabled him to continue drinking without him facing up to the consequences for a lot, lot longer than was logical.

'Let go'....and let him get on with it.

Detachment is a good learning tool for us. T.H.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I have shared this before.

His friend asked him if he got the pills? AH is like huh? So the AH says he needs to go to the spot where my car broke down. His "friend" had left some pills on the back tire under the wheel well.

So when car got goen they got spilled out. So AH and I go back there he says to find a tool. I see him using his knife scraping up something. I was like what the heck?

Then he tells me he is scraping up the mashed, pills and putting them in his mouth!!! I mean they are powder!

Talk about total insanity!. Then a couple days later he asks me to take him there again!!!! omg NO I didn't.

Just sharing with ya. insanity is not pretty. love,deb

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