I am scared and frustrated and feeling empty!! - Al-Anon Family Group

MelB · Veteran Member

I am scared and frustrated and feeling empty!!

danni · Senior Member

Progress, not perfection! Please try to be gentle and patient with yourself. Keep coming back, and things will get better. I left you a response in your earlier post. You have made tremendous progress already. Easy does it!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Mel

I love that small piece of literature it is a Gem and like my Program Bible.

I know I often felt alone and empty because I had abandoned myself. I had not learned to take care of my needs and thought everyone else needed to do that for me. Please know you are not alone. HP is with you every step of the way. Use the serenity prayer and regardless of how you feel take the next right action.

I have heard people say they have "Smart Feet" which means even if they are in a funk and want to isolate they Go to a meeting, get nails's done, pamper themselves The feelings will lift. Motion changes Eemotion'

Keep sharing here as well

danni · Senior Member

p.s. I just read some passages from Courage to Change, which I think you mentioned you have, to help me with my anxious feelings this morning and thought of you when I read page 200/July 18. Just a suggestion :)

nyc018 · Senior Member

I have always been a compulsive worrier and of course it has been magnified in recent years given the alcoholism situation. One of my favorite sayings (which is also in C2C) is "You cannot prevent the birds of worry from flying over your head. But you can stop them from building a nest in your hair." It gets the point across while adding a tad of humor!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Remember that "Feelings aren't facts."

When I was with my ex, I used to have horrible anxiety. I'm not actually that anxious a person, so for me to have so much anxiety was really extreme. I was just washed in waves of it. He would say something seemingly innocent, and I'd feel knocked over by this wave.

I used to attribute the anixety to all sorts of things. "It's because he..." "I wonder whether he..." "If he would only..."

Those things weren't true. The things I suspected weren't true. They were me trying to make sense of these feelings. I thought they were facts, but the real fact was my anxiety.

I recognize now that my emotions were saying, "Something is wrong, something is very wrong." I was right about that one. The whole thing was wrong. He wasn't a person I should have put my trust and faith in, because he wasn't healthy enough to treat me healthily. None of the particular scenarios I imagined were right. But I was right that he was a risky person to be close to. And I was right that I didn't have the emotional tools to deal with it. I found it really hard to get perspective and to not let his lack of emotional health drag me into the insanity.

If I had it to do over, I'd work on my own tools and my own recovery really hard. It sounds as if that's what you're doing. It doesn't turn around in a moment. But every day it turns around a little more. Keep on taking good care of yourself.

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

HI Mel,

my partner is in recovery and getting healthier by the day. but our recoveries are seperate my mind still runs wild if I let it. as soon as i woke up this morning it started trying to trick me lots of negativity which i believe has come from living with all this. Today I caught myself. I prayed and prayed I asked for Hps help told him I didnt feel good to please guide me to help me to enjoy my life that he had given me.. then I started to fight back i sat down and did something construvtive I started to write about all the stuff I am happy about, all my blessings and I began to feel better. Today was a good day and I really believe it was because I ask HP to be with me.

hope this helps

hugs tracy xxx

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Melby I wonder if that feeling comes from our lack of love of self?

I know once I learned to fill the needs I could, when I got with AH I told him that if he didn't want to marry me, then don't. I don't want you feeling pressured or anything. I want you to want to be with me.

I also made it clear if he chose to be with someone else, fine but don't come back to me. Its your choice.

Sure it would have hurt.But I also don't need a man. I love and want one, and of course needs do come in as you are with each other and bond. But I am very ok living without one.

There are good and bad to both. I never hung around home waiting for phone calls or whatever. I was busy riding horses, or hiking or walking my dogs etc.

I think when we build on who we are, what we want out of life, we stop being obsessive about others.

So I invite you to look at you, what do you want? Who are you, what kind of person are you? There are neat classes in community colleges that are a week end where you just work on knowing you.

Many books to read also.

You can find this serenity by building your own foundation. Knowing yourself.

I learned keeping very busy will get me thru most all things. I also nap. Reading is huge for me. I read and study the Bible all the time, building my relationship with the creator.

Animals are my thing, feeding birds, dogs cats a pot pig and guinea pigs live with me.I like my own company.

Anyway hugs to you and I love seeing your name up a lot!!!! MIP is a great healing place. Glad you found us. love,debilyn

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate very much to this. I am perfectly willing all the time to turn my life over to everyone and everything. Taking it back takes time persistence and energy. You can get there. naming is the first step.

Detaching is not something that comes easily to anyone. I think it takes concerted effort to get there.

I am so glad you are here and willing to talk about this.

maresie

Lost survivor · Member

I can't help but see my situation in yours except the fact that I am married 13 years, with my AH for 21 years and have 3 children. All the responses are absolutely right. It is important to work on finding yourself again despite if you are with or without your ABF. I am working on this too. I only have one good girlfriend I can confide in and no good friends that I go out with. Family life and the maternal guilt have led me to lose my self and sacrifice my happiness and love of life for my husband. You seem to be doing all the right things. I too have similar anxieties, so I wonder if your ABF, like my AH has had an affair in the past that has set you down this line of concern or if it stems only from the lying and selfishness related to his drinking? You don't need to answer that, but trying to put a perspective on why you feel consumed by worry. Either way, it is natural to have those thoughts invade your mind. I have found that when I have significant times alone, I travel for work, my mind just tortures me with what ifs and a movie in my head of what my husband has done or is doing. We have seeked help from a marriage counselor and since before that, my husband has been seeing a physician/therapist that specializes in addictions (he had past issues himself). I am looking at possibly seeing someone too. Our marriage counselor actually had us complete a psychological test and I learned that I have long standing anxiety. This was a surprise to me. It was very interesting to hear my husband and my results. I wish you the best of luck in this journey and keep on posting. Your posts are very therapeutic for me in my situation.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Keep on Keeping on Mel...you're changing and moving in the right direction...Practice, Practice, Practice and it gets even better. "Never trouble trouble till trouble troubles you" is a major ditty in my own recovery and I've practice that one large. My sponsor taught me about balancing the "What ifs" worries with "What if nots" and I've got a major gratitude for that also.

Keep working it girl and soon you won't be able to recognize the woman in the mirror when you look.

(((((hugs))))) smile

PS...the responses to your post are just gold...Mahalo all.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I also like "Worry is a waste of imagination." Truly most of the catastrophic thoughts we come up with are products of our imaginations and if something bad happened we would find a way to survive, deal with it, and move on anyhow. Hence, all the obsessing and worries and dread is your imagination working against you when, in fact, your imagination is a wonderful thing and it can be used much more productively on things you actually can affect and change.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.