I am sorry as I am sure this is not what you want to hear.

You all can gang up on him all you want, but NOTHING you do will make any difference. You can make him go to rehab a thousand times, the only time it does any good is when HE and he only faces he has a problem, decides to go to rehab and or AA calls and arranges it and gets himself there.

Also even when they choose to go, it usually takes multiple times before they can stay on a strong recovering program that lasts a life time.

It is so very hard I know. But he has a horrible disease that is his business and his alone. We did not cause it, cannot control it nor can we cure it.

The only way it will be ok is if you all attend Al Anon meetings, come here read literature and learn the skills to love an A= addict. We learn to take care of us, how to set boundaries.

It's it none of our business to try to change anyone.

We have three choices.

We accept them as is, and learn the skills to live with them.Learning they have a disease that is totally up to them to take care of.

We keep things the same and go thru the horror of it all.

or we don't live with them or associate with them anymore.

Its hard to face. I chose to love my A as he was. I learned to completely stay out of his business. He drank did other drugs. I was just glad when he was home with me. But the disease gets so much worse as the body including the brain is destroyed. Mine got horribly abusive so he had to leave.

So the only way for it to be ok, is to stay out of it. Then work hard to learn Al Anon skills and come here for support. We care very very much!!!

love,debilyn

 

 

HI
I kinda agree with what the others are saying. I agree that it may not make him change. I agree he will blow up and he will place the blame on everyone else.
I also agree with you that you have to make your boundaries clear and to do this is a safe and supported environment where you and your kids will not be the victim of any cocain induced violence etc.
In my opinion, and remember this is only my opinion, I believe he needs to be told (once) and the boundaries set. What he then choses to do with that information is up to him. When he choses to break those boundaries, then the consequences are put in place. I do not believe that ultimatums work with the two options (get help or get out), but firm boundaries of behaviour will help you and your kids and his family deal with his behaviour.

Mandated programs (no matter who mandates them) are generally not as effective as intrinsically motivated rehabilitation. I agree wtih the others that his family is not responsible for his sobriety.

Again, having said that, in my experience, my Dad was taken to rehab by his union official at work (in 1979 so things a bit different then), and he was placed in to a residential rehabilitation facility which was AA focussed. My Dad has not touched a drop of alcohol since April 1979.

I work in the field of drug and alcohol and my experience also is that most people take multiple admissions and when they are forced to attend, it is not as effective as when they have chosen to attend themselves, and in fact, I have seen it have the opposite outcome where the person ends up resenting rehab to the point of no return. My Dad is a very special man because he only did it once.

I hope you get lots of responses to this one, there will be lots of different ESH out there.

I hope it works out for you .

Nice guy.

No, there's no way marriage is happening with things as they are. Not a chance. If I do keep him on (with boundaries), I may change my mind in a year. Or two. Or five :)