Busted.. now what - Al-Anon Family Group

debbiems · Veteran Member

Busted.. now what

Jules67 · Newbie

Hi, Debbie,

I'm new to this board. I came here after I'm at my wits end with my fiance. I am in a similar predicament. I have some fairly simple house rules. Let me know where you are and what time you'll be in. Don't steal. Don't bring drugs in the house etc.

I would deal with the change jar issue the same way I deal with my 8-year-old stealing. I don't leave any temptation out. $30 to a pot head/alcoholic is enough to buy a night out (or more) on the town. Hide the change jar!

As for the pot -- that's another issue. Rather than call his PO, it sounds like he needs to (go back to?) rehab. Why not give him the choice, rather than throw him out: either start going to NA/AA, go to rehab (depending upon how serious his problem is), or leave.

Hope that helps :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Second chances never work. My students knew I meant what I said. If they blew it, they could depend on me to be strong and allow them to answer for their own behavior.

In my experience we do our adult children no favors allowing them to live with us. He knows he messed up. To give him more chances only means he will try not to get caught again.

When we send them out to the world they learn on their own what they can do out there. They never will staying with mommy and daddy. I had to do it, it hurt, but no regrets from me or my son.

Sending them out of the home is telling them you believe in them, that they can do it on their own.

hugs,debilyn

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Debbie,

I remember you posting recently about what kind of boundaries to impose. Did you ever come up with your answer? If you gave him a consequence and he's broken the rules then he needs to be held accountable for his actions. In saying that in my house that's how things work. The kids understand a direct consequence good or bad based upon the rules of our home.

Growing up in a single parent home and then with a semi dual parent rule there were no boundaries as a kid if my mom said .. this is what's going to happen .. in my mind went blah blah blah whatever there was never a consequence for anything that came down the road. So mean what you say, .. say what you mean and don't say it mean.

Sending love and support, I'm very sorry that you are dealing with this situation.

Hugs P :)

Jadie · Veteran Member

This is active addiction in all it's glory.

Addicts steal, even loving son's. If we are aware of this, then acceptance kicks resentments into touch. Don't put temptation in their way.

He has a warm & private comfortable room, he's no need to change.

Rules are made to be broken, ultimatums.....unless followed through..... are just a challenge......(lets see if they really mean it this time).

What do we need for our serenity? What boundaries and consequences do we need FOR US?

Say what you mean, mean what you say......and don't say it mean.

(((((in support))))

Jadie x

debbiems · Veteran Member

Thanks for the thoughts on this issue. i was very proud of myself last night my husband and put all of the items that he had found on the kitche table and we confronted our son about them. I was very happy that i could confron him with love rather than anger about it along with the money he had stolen. He gave back what he hadn't spent there was no fighting or screaming. I didn't try to make him feel guilty. i did FINALLY set some boundries telling him that he can follow the rules of the house or he can choose to leave. I feel very good about this, it was harder than hell to say but i felt that i had the littleist bit of control over me back.
Today i feel very good about what I said because i am reminding myself it is his choice.

What makes me so sad, sick to my stomach is that someone can choose drug and booze over themselves,,,,, i keep studying but i still do not understand. He has all the tools and all the support but still nothing

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Its a disease of body and mind. Its the disease that takes over. Hugs sending love and support p ;)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm on this one late. I really respect what you guys are saying about not putting temptation in an addict/alcoholic's way, but I do not agree with hiding money and such. It is your house and he is an adult. You should not have to hide money or chain things down in your own house. There is nothing you did wrong by having a change jar out. I see you already set a limit and told him to move in your recent post, but I just wanted to say I would never turn my house into a rehab or jail because of an adult addict/alcholic living there. That is why jail and rehabs exist....so they can learn to respect others' property and grow up....or otherwise face more institutions and jail.

We do say ongoing use leads to 3 places - Jails, insitutions or death....We do not say it leads to a comfy home where people remove all our temptations.

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