The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm disappointed, frustrated, and angry right now. I know that if I confront AH about anything that he'll just deny, placate me, lie about amounts, etc. He'll justify his actions, he'll downplay the situation making me seem like the crazy one. And, I'll just get caught in his trap and I'll be the one in tears wondering how I'm going to function through the next day.
I think that's what's making me angry the most. The fact that I know my hands are tied and that he will win any argument we have. I know I have to give it up to HP. I know I can't control it, so why am I so angry?
I just kissed him good morning and he still reeks of alcohol. UGH, I really hate that too. His new thing is to start drinking after 11 PM and wait until he thinks the house is asleep. I've found him wide awakeat 5 AM some mornings. Talk about messing with your sleep schedule and I know some of it is related to his anti-depressant routine. I know I need to get to meetings but our evening schedule is so packed and ALL of the meetings around here are at 7 PM most nights. I know, excuses. Maybe I'm just not ready? And, I'm frustrated because his new schedule is really messing with our 'private' time and I feel that we're losing that connection in our marriage. Yet, I'm not interested in getting busy when he reeks of beer or whatever.
OK: I've vented enough. I really hope this year is better than last, though. I'm truly praying for peace for my family for 2012.
I can only imagine how frustrating it can be for you at the moment. If you haven't read the book, The Delimma of an Alcoholic Marriage I truly encourage you to read it. It's got some great tips on communicating with someone who is active and not active in their addiction. I think it's something that everyone can learn from because it's about the fact regardless of active addiction or not all relationships need to have communication in them.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Ugh. I know that horror and disgust of the morning after the late night drinking. The mornings are where I do my Al Anon daily readings, work on the steps, and use this site. If it is really too painful for me, I just get out of the house, even if that makes me sometimes feel resentful that I have to leave when i don't feel like it. For me, the meetings just pull me over to the more positive side of life. When I miss them, I can really feel the difference. Not to put any pressure on you abou the meetings, it is just my experience. It is a committment to myself that the status quo is not acceptable, and I am going to make changes to my life--even if my AH isn't ready to. Actually, since I have been going to meetings regularly, my husband, though he is still drinking sometimes, has made some posistive changes himself. Regardless of what he does or doesn't do, it has made this so much more LIVEABLE. Again, just my experience. I also feel when you are ready to get to a meeting, you will. I went one time several years ago and didn't return until last year--I just wasn't ready. sending you tremendous understanding and support!
Thank you for the book referral, I'll have to give it a go. We do communicate well when it comes to talking about our son, about the house, the dog, life, etc but when it comes to alcohol, there's no talking to him. It's like he goes into shut down mode. I do wonder how much the Paxil has to do with his odd behaviors. One day he's going a mile a minute fixing stuff around the house, organizing stuff, working hard, and then the next day he's laying around the couch totally disinterested in getting anything done. I'm having a hard time following the pattern because there really is no pattern right now. He has complete ADHD moments followed by laziness, followed by spurts of energy, you get the picture. It's weird. Last night he took a shower at 10 PM and got fully dressed, shoes and all. Usually he's just laying around in his boxers but he was looking like he was ready to go somewhere. I chose not to ask because quite frankly I knew I'd get some weird justification and, who knows, maybe it's all true anyway? That's where the communication breaks down.
I had to turn things around in my experience and ask myself how I would feel if someone was always asking me what I was doing, why I was doing it, when I was going to change my ways, why I did what I did, etc. When I did that I was able to say "gee, I don't like being questioned or talked at, so why am I doing it to someone else who is an adult human being? Why do I think that talking to him about his drinking or questioning him on everything is going to stop him from drinking? would it stop me from doing things I want to do? " Well I got some good answers from myself after that and my sponsor helped me see that it was ok in the morning to be happy and go about my business. It was ok to just let him sit on the couch and drink or pass out. It was ok for me to work on me, while he did whatever and then when I got good at it, he began to notice. He stopped drinking as much or as often. He tapered down, as I tapered down from questioning him and talking at him all the time. When one day I had my major break thru and talked with my sponsor about it (4th step work) I knew that I could go on without him and at that same time, that same day, he stopped drinking. I don't know why or how it worked, but just like in the book Getting Them Sober said, when I knew it, he knew it and things changed for both of us. Take care of you. Give it time. Do the next right thing for you.... In the words of RLC: Don't React (to his drinking) and Remain Calm.
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Thanks for that, Youfoundme, I totally get where you're going with this. Yep, you're right: I wouldn't want someone questioning me, either. I've stopped questioning him but that's why I get angry. I think it's more frustration than anything, though.
