The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today it just hit me like a ton of bricks that I really, really have to accept certain things and let go of others. And not just say it but really mean it.
First, I am going through a sense of mourning for my relationship with my AH, or rather, the relationship I hoped I'd have with him. Were separated 6 months but still close.He is a few months sober, but life as I knew it with him just isnt there anymore. He is too damaged from this, as am I, for me to think otherwise. I pray for his continued sobriety but also know how slippery a slope this is. I also dont think I will ever be able to mentally erase the images I saw of him last summer when he completely lost his mind. I compare it to the way he was when I first met him and all I can do is shake my head and accept it.
This is strange but I also feel I'm mourning the illusion of control I thought I had. One year ago he was starting what I thought was a great new job, I was happy, I thought maybe hed control his drinking. Afterall, now he had a good reason to stay on the ball. I spent months helping him search for a job and giving him advice on what to do on his interviews. I thought my hard work paid off. Fast forward a few months and he drank himself insane, got fired, we separated, and I came to terms with the fact that my husband is a very sick person.
He is pursuing another potential job now and asked me what I thought about it, as there are certain lifestyle conditions this job would entail if he were to get it. My old self would have lunged at the opportunity to tell him why I think he should or shouldn't pursue it. My old self would obsess over it and would start worrying about all the what-ifs. But I just said "do what makes you happy." I almost felt sad doing this. This isnt what I used to do. I used to think I was in charge of him. I used to think that if I wanted him to do something, he would. Then he totally turned on me. All I asked from him was to stop drinking, and he went and did it even more. That was the end of my illusion of control, and there was no bigger slap in the face.
Topping things off is that I got a nasty email from my mother today telling me what a lowlife he is. This is simply because I allow him to spend time with me and our son, under the condition that he is sober. It is also because I refuse to engage in phone conversations with her about what a lowlife he is when I am at my desk at work surrounded by other people. I have decided that I need to stop communicating with her for a while for my own mental health.
All this has just put me in a somber mood. I accept that I will never have my "old" husband back. I may not be able to totally stop worrying about him but I will just have to try, or live with the worry, because the alternative doesnt work. I will never be able to control him. And I will never be able to control my mothers actions and her attempts at bulldozing me into doing what she wants. I guess I just have to stop focusing on any of this.
Sorry this is all coming at you all at once. Sometimes a breakthrough can be overwhelming that these new behaviors don't fit the old ones. The good news is no you won't get your old AH back, you'll get a new one you get to know all over again and figure out what you want without having to be "the manager". The new one will take some getting used to and it's not all roses and sunshine however it's something different and that's not all bad.
Letting go of the worry is going to take time, be easy on yourself. Sometimes it's min by min all you can do is the best that you can do and please don't beat yourself up over not being perfect at it. It's not perfection it's progress.
I find with people that have very strong personalities and they are there in my life .. lol .. I have to just let them have their say and then do what is in my own best interests. They don't have to agree with it or like it .. it's not their decision to make.
Keep coming back, it gets better. Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thank you so much for sharing. It must be very difficult for you. It sounds like you are doing much better than you give yourself credit for. I too am separated from my H but he is not an Alcoholic but has similar behaviors. I grew up in an alcoholic home. It is also difficult when there is a child involved. right now my daughter is very sick and we've all been together and that has just muddled things by putting all the focus on her care so it seems like we're "ok"....
Hi, I too had to come to the realization that the old hubby was gone. The one I married was gone. We used to be so compatible. We could sit and talk all day about anything. Now our conversations are limited to the weather. That is the only safe topic left. I hope I can get used to him.
They call it alcohol"ism". It is not alcohol"wasm".
Take the rest of your life and be only in charge of YOU. Your response to him that all you want for him is to be happy is the one I always give my hubby too.
I just wanted to share that I completely understand what your were going through when it came to the control. I too have thought that things would work out because of my hard work. I have also thought I could change him or he would change for me cause he loves me. The one thing I learned is that it's not about me AT ALL!! I still haven't learned to let go of the control issues I have but I can say I understand that the addiction has nothing to do with me. I will say a prayer for you! I hope we all get the help for ourselves that we need! Thanks
Sending you support and understanding. I am so impressed by your insight and how you are really applying the tools and principles to your life and situiation. Sending you continued support!!
What helped me when I was kinda, sorta in your position was the lessons of "Tomorrows gone...yesterday isn't here yet and all I have is now. Live in the Now." I never knew what the future would or could be and I did know that there were such things as miracles only I couldn't perform any...just take care of me and be open for what comes next. When my alcoholic/addict didn't become who it was I wanted her to be I got to see her for who she was without my wishes and wants and alot of what I saw which was her alone without any mix of me was from delightful to awesome!! She worked with her own HP and that wasn't me thank God.
You know how to stay out of the insanity nyc...you're getting better.
Thank you all for your support, it means a lot to me and all of your comments give me something to think about. I realize that relearning behaviors and attitudes is part of the growth process and I am experiencing growing pains from it. This has forced me to step out of my comfort zone, which is hard, but necessary. Thanks again for your esh.
I have also had to accept the reality of what my marriage really is, and that it will never be what I hoped it will be. I have finally decided to do what is best for myself and my daughter and end the marriage.
It's not easy to let go. One day at at time. Or, as, someone said, one minute at a time.
The topic at my Alanon meeting last night was "What is recovery to me?" For me, recovery is getting off of the roller coaster.
