The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Do you ever feel like it isn't any one BIG thing that is just going to make you lose it, but the constant little ones?
At work, busy, phone rings, it's my AH. The college program he got into and is starting next week just let him know one of his immunizations needs to be updated. Well he was LIVID, bitching moaning about how unprofessional they are, disorganized, how this f*&%s him up, and on and on. I listen quietly and then simply say "instead of wasting your energy being mad, why not just call them when you get home, find out how long you have and then call the doctor and take care of it". That got me a few curse words, he then said "well it's clear you don't GET IT" and then he hung up on me. WHAT! He has no job, nothing else to worry about but this and because the world simply doesn't work perfectly for him I get the brunt.
I get that he's an addict, I get their brains work different than the rest of us, but his constant inability to handle any of life's curve balls (big or small) is the most draining. How am I the bad guy here? Does anyone have any advice how to handle this stuff, I can't just ignore him, he expects me to advise him and then my advice is met with anger. Ugh!
I totally relate to what you say and what I have come to view as the A's faulty coping mechanism. A's excuse is often to drink as a reaction to stress - well guess what, everything stresses them out so it gets to the point where they always have a reason to drink. Heck someone could look at my A the wrong way and he'd head for the vodka. As for your dilemma - I would say engaging in any kind of conversation with someone on the warpath is futile. Sometimes my AH would try to rope me in to an annoying conversation, under the guise of asking for my help. Then when I gave him my advice, he'd use it against me. He'd say I was "controlling" and then next thing you know, he'd have to calm his nerves with alchohol. I am separated from him now so it is easier for me to detach - but I am still close with him and he shares a lot of his issues with me - issues I used to give him advice about. I really don't anymore - at least I try. I used to dole out advice to him constantly. remind him what to do, and get sucked into his arguments. No more - his problems are his to deal with now. Maybe your A will sulk if you don't react because he wants to get a rise out of you. But ultimately it will be handing his problems back to him. Leaving my AH to his own devices has been one of the more liberating feelings and has been vital to my recovery. Wishing you much support and esh!
I know in my AH's circumstances he just really did not develop any proper coping skills at all because at a young age he began to drink away his problems. Fast forward ten years later and my AH does show much anger and instead just goes and gets himself high... before recovery... he is in recovery now and little things cause him enormous stress but he realizes he has to deal with these as they arise through therapy and talking to his sponsor. Be patient, your AH cannot handle the daily stressors you and I have learned to cope with. But that does not make it okay for him to flip on you and you have every right to hang out or walk away. Great job not entering into a debate or fight.. if you drop your end of the rope the addict cant play tug of war with you.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Something that I do is listen and say I'm sorry that is going on, what are you going to do? It lets me off the hook of having to find a solution and it allows the other person to find out what will and won't work for them. It also stops them from blaming me if something doesn't go right.
I believe in coping skills are lacking something I'm learning is I also lack the coping skills to allow loved ones to fall softly or to succeed without needing to be responsible in some way for those moments that have nothing to do with me.
It gets better!! Keep coming back :)
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I used to be one of those "The world throws so much at me, I can't cope!" people. I know that when people offered me calm solutions, I saw it as, "This is really not a problem and you are an idiot for feeling upset." What would have helped me was, "It sounds like this is hard for you. I'm sorry it's hard. Why not do something nice for yourself tonight? I support you." I know you shouldn't have to say these things, but I wonder if you might want to try them and see if the reaction is any different. If it is, you know you have another option about what to say. If not, you'll know that nothing you say makes a difference, which can be useful to know.
My exAH used to get worked up whenever I got upset because he had weak boundaries and my upsetness leaked over to him and made him upset. So he'd deny anythingwas a problem because he couldn't stand me to have any emotions.
It's hard watching someone finding it difficult to cope with something that seems easy. My guess is that he's overloaded trying to deal with simple life. I've known people like that. Anything additional is almost the straw that breaks the camel's back. Sometimes I get frustrated by this and sometimes I'm happy that I'm more capable than that myself. Sometimes feeling more capable is good and sometimes it's a sense of superiority that I think can lure me into relationships with incapable people because I like feeling superior. So many pitfalls!
I am always amazed at how insightful and helpful everyone on this board is. The words of wisdom do help and I am grateful today for you all. Some good suggestions I am going to try. :)
