The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's a new day! I slept ok. Only one nightmare last night. Do those ever stop? I don't know if I can handle them much longer. They are like reality for me. I wake up sobbing and even though I know they are just dreams they rock my world.
Now at 8:49am I have forgotten the dream except that he needs a sponser. I know I shouldn't try to force him. I know I shouldn't even remind him. It's his program. I know these things however I still sent the message to him via text that I hope he doesn't lose his focus on sponsership while seeking a job.
He is so desperate to make some of his own money and not be relying on others that I worry he will lose his focus on his recovery. Before I could even stop myself I was sending the message. Even when the voice in my head (way way way in the back) was telling me that he should worry about himself.
See I think the problem is that I do truly love him. Out of all my relationships I have never found a love as great as his even through all the fights and bad days. I want him to succeed. I want to be with him. I want him to get better. I made myself a promise. I told myself that as long as he tries to work his program and follows through I will stick it out with him. I tell myself that I'll leave if he doesn't. Will I? I don't know if I will. I can't even explain what keeps me going with this.
I'm going to my first meeting today. I'm worried they will tell me to leave him. That I can do better or that things are better without him. I can't let go yet. I am trying. I can't let go and let him do is own thing. What if Im left behind? It terrifies me completely to think we might not work. I hope that with these mettings and within my own recovery I can get past that and understand that whatever happens, happens. I cry instantly when I think of letting him go into his own recovery without me. I have alot to work on. I know.
I hear a lot of self-awareness in your post and that in itself is a great thing.
Alanon members will share their experiences but not advise you regarding your decisions. Given time and working the program, you will come to learn how you can improve your situation. Ironically, when I first went to an Alanon face to face I was so beside myself, I was disappointed that I wasn't encouraged to leave. People encouraged me to come back and give the program at least 6 months. Some one said not to leave before a miracle occurred.
When you feel comfortable, find a sponsor to help guide you with the steps and traditions, share perhaps different perspectives with you.
Letting go isn't easy, even if it brings us to a better place. I remember feeling that way- the fear and disappointment were overwhelming.... who knows what the change would bring... but this is his chance and yours too. If you focus on your program, you may come to find security in the fact that you are each working your own program.
Bud I realize that I need to get into my own recovery. I am so sick some days. All I can think about is his recovery. Is he doing it right. Is he working a program that will help. Is he focused. I can't get away from it. I'm afraid he will leave me or I'll be forced to leave him. I just want him to do well and I know that he might be anxious to get started and stop relying on others. He has 90 days of sobriety right now from all things but far more sobriety from is main issue. He has done well. Now though he is dependent on others and it's killing him. He doesn't want others to support him. I understand that but I'm afraid he will be so focused on getting a job etc that he will lose focus on his program. I'm worried and I let the worry control my feelings, my functions etc. I've caught myself sobbing over the cell waiting for his response. I'm a mess. A hot mess. I can defiantly say my life has become unmanageable....I want to find help but I'm also scared and worried that we won't make it. Thanks for reading my post and responding. I love the support I get. It helps me keep my mind off what he's doing. I just pray he will find is way, and me too!
Yes, Melanie, it is a new day, and you are going to alanon. Good for you! It is so worth it! Those hopeless, confusing feelings will lessen as you keep going back and focus on your own recovery. No one will tell you what to do. What they will do is listen and understand. They'll give you a safe place to express yourself (if you want to) stories and feelings to relate to, and discovery that you are no longer alone. You'll find you have choices so you can do whatever you need to do to find peace in your life and love yourself. Glad you are here.
Blessings,
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
As bud and Loupiness said in Al-Anon no one advises members on what to do. You will find a very supporting group. Everyone there can relate and no one will judge you. You are not alone, I can completely relate with the way you are feeling. I have felt the exact way you are feeling; could not focus on work, could not focus on self, others.. mind was always on what my AH was doing. I too was having nightmares nightly. I still have them somtimes but now my nightmares involve myself doing the things I used to do. The dreams encourage me to stay focused on my program, get on this site, get to a meeting, and talk with my sponsor. There is such hope in Al-Anon , Melanie. I bet your partner is happy your getting support for you, Im sure he cares greatly about you.
-- Edited by Michelle814 on Wednesday 4th of January 2012 11:21:31 AM
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
I am in love with an AGF who is the deepest love I have ever had!!!
BUT, I know I am in love with who she COULD be, not with who she is, when she is in her active disease.
My AGF and I have ended it all, just days ago.......she is blaming me for all her problems......I gave her a choice lately, to stop drinking and work her program, or move out of my home.
She decided to keep drinking.
While she is drinking, she is not the person I love......I love her for the potential of who she is.
And until she COMPLETELY Works the steps of AA, I don't want to have anything to do with her at this point. Anything else, and I am enabling her.
When or if she texts me, with anger and abuse, I will not accept her invitation to engage in that behavior.
I know this is tough, but try to look at who he is, or who he could be.......and which are you really in love with?
What most of us didn't realize in the beginning.... we NEVER had any control in the first place. It's only an ILLUSION that we ever thought we did.
How wonderful that he is in recovery!! My husband never took that path.
Please take the suggestion of beginning your own recovery. For every statement about him, for every thing you think he should do....... turn the statement around on yourself. You do it first. That will vault you into feeling much, much better.
It is possible to change our attitudes, that's where al-anon meetings come in. That's when we begin to feel better and when we become a much more attractive human being.... we stop relying on our loved ones to meet our needs.... no human power can do that anyway.
It's a great journey, I'm so glad you're with us ((hugs))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I like what Glad Lee said here, that control is an illusion, and we can't make anyone do anything. Going to your own meetings can help you find yourself and know yourself. Take care of you!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Mel... my wise old sponsor used to tell me about the weather analogy, when it came to how much 'control' I had over my (then-active) A....
"Tom, you have about as much control over your A as you do the weather.... NO, of course you cannot control the weather, but you CAN wear a sweater, or take an umbrella, or wear sunscreen, etc - which will help you deal with the weather"....
That one always helped me, as believe me, I did NOT want to believe that I wasn't in control... The reality, of course, is that I never WAS in control, and once I fully grasped that, Step One became more empowering to me, as if I am NOT in control, then I am also NOT responsible...
Hope that helps
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
It's a new day! I slept ok. Only one nightmare last night. Do those ever stop? I don't know if I can handle them much longer. They are like reality for me. I wake up sobbing and even though I know they are just dreams they rock my world. 