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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> New to Al-Anon and struggling with program concepts
Post Info TOPIC: New to Al-Anon and struggling with program concepts
Lost survivor


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New to Al-Anon and struggling with program concepts
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Just 30 minutes ago me and my AH got into an argument because I made a comment about how much soda he drinks...it was such a minor little thing and in my mind I justify stuff like that as what we do because we love someone. You want to support them and help them stay healthy, but he took it as me analyzing everything about him and yet another thing that I want him to correct or change. (he has recently taken up smoking, which I absolutely detest and he has known that for the last 21 years we have been together). I am trying so hard to dig deep into myself to let him be his own person and try not to be "controlling" as he says...but how do you do that as a husband and wife...isn't marriage a partnership in life? You grow together. How can you just turn your cheek to activities that you don't agree with or are detrimental to your spouse and/or children and family and not say something? Now I am not talking about soda- that's ridiculous. I have been reading the Al-anon book this past weekend and I am having a hard time coming to grips with much of the premise and see how a couple could remain married. I have a core belief against divorce...so that makes it very hard to understand. I just read a post by Melanie "my problem" and she hit it exactly on the nose. I too can't remember if I was ever not like this? I think I have always been like I am, so in that case, he married what he has-me. They say Women should never marry men hoping to change them, and the same applies the other way, right? So why should I continue to make all these adjustments and changes in myself in the interest of the alcoholic? Everything revolves around his reactions, responses and his addiction, so I am supposed to adjust myself? I even have a hard time saying that I am in "recovery". I am not the one that has the addiction and i am not the one that made him drink. I never in a million years would have thought that this is how my life would end up. I have 3 beautiful children that have a wonderful Dad, but I don't have such a wonderful husband. This kills me inside. He can't have a conversation with me without becoming defensive or the discussion is so shallow and only revolves around the daily to do's in life. I can't honestly share myself with him because of his reactions. We are in counseling and i would like to think it has helped, but truthfully it feels like a bandaid. There is nothing that we have done specifically to fix our way of interacting with each other. We are nicer on the surface, but i can't help but think deep inside that i am just being the stupid, naive wife. It doesn't help that I really have no life outside of my family and husband. I think it is something that happens to many women that begin to have children. We lose ourselves in the family and slowly lose touch with our girlfriends because life becomes so busy. Oh my. Obviously, I so need to go to a meeting. I think that I am very far away from the let go and let God. Thank you for letting me vent.

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Michelle814


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Dentist: Does your Husband floss?
Me: I don't know, ask him.

hahaha. A year ago if my dentist asked me that I would have said " I try to get him to floss. He needs to take better care of his teeth. It really bugs me that he always has cavities, he's so ridiculous" i would have internalized it.. worried.. and reminded him when I was flossing.. "You should floss too, I floss every night!!!" Id say. I have come to the conclusion that he is a grown man. If he does not choose to take care of his teeth than that is his choice. I will continue to take care of mine.

I completely see why you feel this way, though, and my attitude change does not mean I do not care about my husband's teeth, because I do. I love his teeth and his smile and I hope he chooses to take care of them. But I also care about my sanity and worrying about all his unhealthy behaviors drive me completely insane. So its up to him to take care of himself now and I focus on taking care of me. The ironic thing is this attitude adjustment has brought us so much closer together in a more intimate and spiritual way. He talk, we share ideas, we joke, we laugh... "The more Im me, the more you're you." I love that quote and thats how it is for us now.. the more I am me the more my husband is him and I remember now how much I love him.

I have learned to Live and Let Live and Let go and Let God. sometimes I picture myself handing my husband over to his HP's care and I say "he's all yours." Its refreshing.

LS, go easy on yourself. You are doing the best you can at the moment. Everything takes time and if you work this program One Day at a Time things will become clearer for you and you will not feel like a "stupid, naive wife" any longer. You are a bright, smart, interesting person.. and you are worth it.

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Michelle!

No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
GreenerGrass


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From one control freak to another I totally get what your saying. However, I don't think that the changes are in the interest of the alcoholic. The changes are to save US from insanity!! I know you've heard that doing the same things over and over and expecting different results is insanity, and it's true. Whatever I have been doing and saying to my AH over the past 11 years has clearly not gotten me the results I was looking for. So, for my sanity, I have to change. I have to try everyday to be the person I want to be and let him be the person he is. If he ever wants to change then he will have to make the steps to change. Try to be gentle with yourself, care for yourself, do things that make you happy. Because as I've been told by my friends on this board, everyone deserves to be happy.

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youfoundme


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I have learned that I had to love him right where he was at. I had to allow him to be an adult and stop trying to nit pick and tell him how to do everything. I had to let go. When I did that, I began to see that I was free to do my own healing and work. We do have an addiction and it is to THEM. We get addicted to the chaos and we want chaos so we can get our adrenaline rush. We have to work on changing our own attitudes and ways, with new tools to live by. When I began to change my attitude, and let go and let God, he began to change too. It took a few months of him tapering down on his drinking and me tapering down on my controlling ways...but then suddenly, I got it. When I knew it and knew I didn't "need" him, he knew it, and we both began to stop our addictive lifestyles. I also learned to accept myself for who and what I was, and how I was, and to accept him too.
Take care of you!

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-youfoundme

Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me... 

 
Lost survivor


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Thank you. Today was a better day and I plan on attending an Alanon meeting on Friday. Your responses and having this forum to share is a God Sent.

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Debilyn


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I think sometimes we forget that our spouse is a person, an adult and what they do is who they are. We have no right to police them.

I know I don't want anyone looking at me saying, you sure eat a lot of ice cream. So whats it to ya budi? In other words its none of your business. And yes ice cream can make me violently ill.

Marriage is not becoming parents to each other. It's sharing the same space accepting each other as is. HOw uncomfortable it would be if someone was watching what I do.

Now marriage to an addict brings a whole different set of difficulties. That is why we have Al Anon. Non addicts do not think like an addict does. What we might say to a non and to an addict may be taken totally differently.

They are wired so they believe their lies. I mean they really do!!! to us that is hard to accept.

They have a disease, in my experience it is wise to have an account separate from them, have my vehicle in my name and he does not drive it, I take care of the bills.

Anyway we are in recovery when we start to learn to use the tools that help us to live with the disease of addiction in someone we love. We don't argue with them, we stay out of their business, we don't get into their disease, we don't say what is good or bad for them, they are an adult they can figure it out.

anyway I hope this helps some. Good for you for going to meetings! Have you read Getting Them Sober, Toby Rice Drew?

hugshugs,debilyn



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