I went to my meeting last night and had the woman follow me out of the meeting .. I shared on Feelings .. and my mother who is 87 and my family, etc.. I was so in the spin .. the topic was joy .. i sat feeling vulnerable recognising that in my family my siblings and parents would sit at the table and if things were happy, I always felt like I would bring them down if i said anything real. They woulda chased me Right outta there .. In my family I also wasn't allowed to participate.. as I may have shared . Gatherings .. if i offered to bring food to be a part it was Oh, no no !! We've got that taken care of .. Go sit down .. you know at the kids table, etc.. I sat with those kids at the kid table a long time .. even as the other kids got bigger .. I was still at the kids table .. Kinda funny but so sick .. Anyway . the woman chased me out of the meetings saying Hey .. you ever have compassion on the Alc .. Your mother ?? family ?? we talked and it was really uncomfortable because it was major cross talk .. I kept the open mind and remembered my sponsors infamous Nothing happens by mistake lesson .. She kept saying Let the feelings Go because they aren't of God, etc.. Give them over . I was telling her .. When i share in meetings I Am turning them over and he heals them .. by the time i left her i was on Such a Feeling spin .. Back in the Fear because I was feeling as though I had been talking to my siblings .. etc.. Again having Someone tell me it's not ok to share .. I remember telling her I'm not afraid to be honest and this is Just where I am today, etc.. Anyway .. It didn't happen by mistake .. I came here to these rooms and posted of feelings and got the awareness that the only way i was able to participate in my family was through feelings .. If they were feeling bad, etc.. I was able to be a part of that .. as long as I always felt a little less than everyone else, etc.. I also Felt the feelings of feeling responsible for others, Feelings .. Usually bad feelings .. Scapegoat as, etc.. Our relationships were based on feelings ..

This morning in my other meeting I Shared how Scared I was of All I was Feeling .. I read the reading in courage to change on how one member wrote, "The further I got into recovery all these feelings started filling me up .. I thought I was getting sicker because the Feelings were so uncomfortable, but the more I worked the program, the more I realised they were just something I needed to work through and they were there for a reason, etc.. " Something like that .. Then it went on to Read if I keep them trapped inside me they Become Poisonous Secrets ..

That was Tremendously helpful to read because What we bring Out of the dark and into the light loses its power to dominate Our thinking .. I can See the More I Don't look at these feelings and SHare on them the more I leave them In the dark to Continue to dominate my thinking And my feelings .. etc ., Because as the saying goes We.. are as SIck as our Secrets .. As being the key word .. That's pretty Sick ..

I recognised in this mornings share that through the years ,. My Feelings have been hurt and Not in a oh poor me I feel sorry for me kind of way but in a Real They have been Hurt Harmed kind of way ..

For the first time I recognise I Finally have Permission to share this and to say it and be accepted in Alanon .. It's Ok if others disagree because I have to work on me and my recovery and what is right for me may not be what another needs .. through her and I believe God used her to help me to see that There was a time when I Couldn't have shared after that .. it would have been like my siblings Again telling me no .. what I recognise today is that today It's Ok for me to talk about it and not let others sensor me .. we're safe here and there is no right or wrong .. only our recovery and different views .. Thank God for those and for this woman .. I would have Never begun to get these awarenesses .. she was a gift .. Everytime I share there's another piece of me restored .. When we share our healing Comes .. It makes room for more of Us .. and we've been so robbed for so long it's important not to hold back on our shares for fear of others .. if we do we allow others to Rob us of our recovery ...

What I see is I spent 11 years not being enmeshed so much with my partner But with his feelings .. My family too .. and why is it hard to set boundaries ?? The feelings will detach and feelings hold us together .. but they aren't Real ..

Now through this last awareness I am seeing how my partner kept me And still tries to keep me confused by using/Manipulating my feelings .. He keeps me confused by them .. He will call when my daughter's in school to make me "Feel he still cares .. He calls leaves messages saying I want to talk to you it's important .. I really want to talk to .. make me "Feel like there's something to say .. he never has a thing to say .. There's Many more areas I see .. but my point is that seeing this and this inventory Which is Not the same as judging is helping me to gain a better understanding of why I'm in the crazies at times and So full of feeling .. My siblings whom I love come from the same place .. THeir feelings were manipulated too .. and they get enmeshed with my feelings .. It's why they might say don't talk about that .. Because .. THey feel it and how do you fix a feeling ?? you can't .. feelings aren't anything but what they are .. have to work on the problems .. for me that's only here .. I am not sure where this is going but i'm sure grateful .. thanks for being here ..