I truly hope you will consider finding your own recovery. I know this is true for me is if you put me in a room of 100 men and 2 were addicts I will lay dollars to doughnuts I would find the addicts. Addressing my own issues instead of worrying about what my spouse is or isn't doing is key for me. His recovery is on him. My recovery is on me.

There are all kinds of great alanon meetings, I encourage you to continue posting here and to go to face to face meetings. There is no magic fix that after X time everything will be wonderful. There is no magic wand to fix what is broken inside ourselves or another person, we have to do our own work and be responsible for our own happiness.

Sobriety doesn't cure what is wrong in our relationships. I remember thinking WTH in the counseling session I'm not the one with a problem, I get up everyday make sure everyone is ready to get out the door and so on. I continue to function and I'm not the one with a DUI or troubles with the law. Why is someone telling me I need to address my issues?! Boy was I mad .. LOL. The truth is nothing happens by accident. I didn't pick my spouse by accident. I didn't make the choices before I met him by accident. I had things I needed to address. I encourage you to take a good look at your life and figure out before making any decisions what is going on. Has your life become unmanageable? If so, alanon certainly won't hurt you to go and it helps take the focus off of him and put it back on you.

Take what you like,
Hugs P :)

LOL .. I promise you are not the only one to open their mouth and nothing except tears come out. It's so normal and it's because it is a safe place and the people there truly do understand. I laugh only because I was that person who for the first couple of meetings had the kleenex box right there and it's ok. I'm certainly not the last to cry at those tables and from time to time the tears flow and that's again ok.

Hugs it does get better. :)

Its ok to cry-that is nothing new at a meeting-when I first started going I cried and told my stories and then eventually the tears were fewer, the laughter more plentiful and the stories became less important-it was about me, my recovery and sharing with others. Its true, keep going back-it works if you work it.

You ask a good question and one that has no one right answer. One thing Alanon has reinforced to me is that you can love someone but still have boundaries and not tolerate what is unacceptable to you. For me, I was tolerating pretty bad behavior until my husband's alcoholism reached a crisis point and he broke down. At that point I had had too much. We are now separated, although remain close and while he is pursuing recovery, I am trying to weather my expectations. My boundary now is that he absolutely has to be sober around me and my son.
I would encourage you to seek out Alanon meetings and literature, because it does wonders in teaching us to shift the focus away from what the alcoholic is doing, which is something we really have no control over. It will also help you feel more comfortable about setting boundaries, sticking to them, and realizing that some decisions can't be made overnight - that's the beauty of one day at a time.

I hope you will gave face to face meetings another chance. I sobbed through my first six months! I found everyone there so kind, compassionate and understanding. I love to repay that kindness to newcomers I meet now at meetings. You deserve support from people who understand and a program that works. You are not alone!

HBK,

I read both of your posts and really want to welcome you to our board. I think you will find it full of thoughtful, caring people with so much ESH - experience, strength, and hope - to share. This has been a really important part of my life since I discovered it over the summer. You can go back and read through archives and probably learn a ton, I read most days, and I'm so thankful for what I"m learning and the wonderful people here. Sorry this is so long, you must have struck a real chord with me!

I started attending Alanon meetings in late spring as my 3-yr relationship was ending (again) largely due to his addictions. At first, I did feel intimidated and uncomfortable, but it was a life-changing experience for me and very much for the better. I am willing to bet that the vast majority (if not all) of the people in those meetings have broke down crying at one time or another. It's not something you have to feel ashamed of or embarrassed about. These are people who will understand like no one else. Sometimes that sadness just needs to be released. I felt so much acceptance and compassion from the groups, once I got past my own judgements of myself. I'd sure encourage you to keep trying with the meetings and really try to open up. It worked miracles for me.

I also learned a lot from the books I got there, How Alanon Works is a good one. I read a lot of books off of Amazon on my Kindle and have found some great ones. There's so much to learn and so many better ways to do things than how I have done them in the past.

I soooo identify with you. I'm at the age where my biological clock is really ticking and I've been through 2 long-term relationships with addicts and never married. I'm single now but I am so thankful for Alanon and hope that what I'm learning now will help me build a healthy relationship and eventually have a family.

One thing you will hear a lot are slogans like - easy does it! That would be my words of wisdom to you. It can feel scary and desperate at times, but I have now found a new sense of faith and hope and confidence in these last few months. Now I know it's going to be okay. It might not be what I hoped for, but it can be wonderful if I make it. You don't have to decide anything right now. It's just one day at a time or one moment at a time to accept the things you cannot change, change the things you can, and find the wisdom to know the difference. I try to focus on the here and now and not worry too much about should I be in this relationship or not, am I ever going to have kids, etc. because I know once i get started, I feel TERRIBLE! and it gets me nowhere. So I focus on taking a bath, going out with friends, cooking a nice meal, taking a deep breath, telling myself it's going to be okay, putting it all into the hands of my higher power, etc.

I haven't wasted my life. If it wasn't for the pain I've been through, I wouldn't be where I am now. I did the best I could at the time with what I had and what I knew. And now, I'm thankful for this last round with my alchoholic ex BF. He brought so much goodness to my life, and even the pain was what I needed to finally break me down so I would seek help and finally begin to truly love myself. I always used to think it was crap when people would say things like that to me, but now I've lived it and I truly feel so thankful.

I'm willing to bet you haven't wasted your life and you sound like already a very wise and thoughtful, mature person. I think you are on the right track. Another nice saying around here is - you're right where you're supposed to be. I wish you and your husband all the best of luck in this tough situation. Take care of you! You are worth it!

Doozy

I am so thankful for all of your help- I went to an Alanon meeting last night and was so encouraged by all of the people there. They gave a chance for newcomers to share, and after a loooong pause, I tearfully spoke up. I kept hoping they would interrupt me and say, "Thanks, Kerry," but they all just sat there even through my awkward silences and choked up sentences. It felt really good to talk, even if only a little.

Someone said something so great- they said that the alcoholic has the disease of drinking, while we have the disease of thinking. Whenever we are thinking too much, we are within our disease and need to get out of it: go for a walk, call a friend, do something that makes you happy so you aren't dwelling in your disease. I thought that was so good and related to that so well.

Another person said that they tend to spend so much time trying to control other people that they don't even know who they are anymore. The only way I will have "wasted" my life is if I spend it trying to change other people when the only person I can change is myself. I have always thought of myself as someone who likes to help other people, and although that is true, the real truth is that I'm not always trying to help others, I'm trying to CHANGE others so they will do things the way I want them to do it. With my husband this is especially true- of course I want to help him, but really I want to control him, which is an uphill battle and one that will never make me happy. Anyways, these were some things I learned at Alanon, and I thank all of you for encouraging me to go. I will continue to try and stick with it even when times seem good!