How far into sobriety can we start having children? - Al-Anon Family Group

hummingbirdkerry · Member

How far into sobriety can we start having children?

tweety23 · Veteran Member

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and not pick my ah to be the father of my children. But then I look at them and they are perfect blessings and they wouldn't exist without him. It's an impossible question for me. Sending you lots of prayers and wishes your way.

nyc018 · Senior Member

Hi Kerry and welcome to MIP! We strive not to give advice but I'll just share with you my experience. I don't think you're crazy at all for considering having children, but I think you are analyzing this maturely in that you may want to wait to see how your husband fares, particularly since you are young. Having a child even under ideal circumstances can be stressful. Add to that an alcoholic spouse, and a time that should be filled with happiness can get quite miserable. In my case, my AH's true descent started right about the time our son was born. It was the worst timing (not that there ever is a good time) . I was hoping having a child would help him "man up" and quit. Instead, the responsibility of being a father on top of his other issues and his unwillingness at the time to face alcoholism head on drove him deeper into the abyss. Sure he would have drank regardless of the circumstances - but alcoholics tend to use any excuse and any slightest bit of stress to drink. Having a child is wonderful and rewarding - nobody can tell you when to do it but it is important to know that it is the deepest emotional commitment possible. New moms need a lot of support and I can say that I largely missed out on that from my AH because he was too sick at the time. Since I became a mom I realize all the more how important it is to raise a child in a healthy environment.
I think you're very wise to be asking yourself these questions - sending you much support, nyc

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I second that, it's only a question that you can answer and the question that someone else keeps asking and it is a GREAT question is if you knew things were never going to change would you still make the same decision/s?

I can't imagine my life without my children, there is no guarantee in life that everything will be crap or everything will be roses. It is something I would really take the time to pray about and if it's something I could do.

I hope you are attending face to face meetings, have a sponsor and have an outlet to take care of you. The answers you are looking for will come for your own situation. Sending lots of love and support.

Hugs p :)

hummingbirdkerry · Member

Thank you, everyone. Everyone seems so kind and supportive- I was always scared to submit questions to "yahoo" because of all of the people that absolutely rip others apart, lol. Thankful that is not the case, here. I think it is a great point to ask "If nothing changes, would I still have kids with him?" and right now, the answer would definitely be no. No, no, no, no, no. Eventually, I so badly want children with the "sober" him as their dad, but I should wait a couple of years, probably. I also think it's a good point to mention that stressors can cause alcohol consumption, even though he talks about how excited he is to be a dad.

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

HBK, its very good youre thinking about this. I can relate. I too am young, desperately want to be a mother, and am married to an alcoholic/addict recently in recovery (about two months.) I was feeling a while back as if maybe I needed to give up on my life with my AH in order to some day remarry (this man would clearly not be my first choice, and not the love of my life, which is sad both for him and me) in order to have the children I so long for. As my husband was in rehab I had alot of time away from him to work my program and to think about what I wanted. What I discovered was that I thought I knew what my life should be like. I liked to play God. I thought it was time to get married, so we did, get pregnant, so we did. I went through two miscarriages. What I learned is that NOTHING is 100% guaranteed in this life so its so silly to live it ten years down the road and to maintain that "when" and "what if" mentality. "when Im a Mom life will be splendid" "if only I got that promotion at work everything would be perfect." The world came crashing down and Im very grateful it did, knocked me off my pedistool I was standing on and showed me that I don't know whats best for me at all.. (Im not saying this is you.. i am just speaking of myself from my experiences) but if I put it all in the hands of my HP and really just trust that even if I hate it.. Im exactly where Im supposed to be.. the amazing part is.. even when things dont go my way now.. I am just happy and content. I just am, because I am in it with my HP. As for my husband and I, I am uncertain when, if ever we will be able to have kids. I am leaving it in my higher power's hands to guide me in the correct direction. Before I thought I was ready to be a Mom the babies did not make it... now I see I will be a much better MOm down the road.. thanks to al-anon... so what makes me think I can just make things go the way I want them. I live one day at a time now, not one five ten years down the road. Today I choose to come home and be with my husband who is my soul mate and love of my life. I don't know what tomorrow brings but whatever it is, with my HP, I can make it through.

"we don't always get what we want, we get what we need."

"I had to grieve the life I thought I would have"

I realize you are going to get alot of ESH that says alot of different things.. but ultimately you know that what you truly want is in your heart and these awakenings take time.. so go easy on yourself, do something nice for you, take a walk, get your nails done.. whatever makes you happy.. and remember that these huge life decisions do not need to be made today.. as ive said before and i will say it again "today my decision is to make no decision today." hahaah I love that. Enjoy this beautiful day you have before you... I know I completely ruin my todays when I constantly think and worry about my tomorrows... that being said I can completeley understand why you are thinking about this.. I, too, have asked.. would i be a horrible mother to have children with an alcoholic who may flounder.. or a horrible wife to think of having children with another. Then I learned that those answers will come.. with due time. everythig is exactly how your HP wants it.

-- Edited by Michelle814 on Tuesday 3rd of January 2012 03:24:50 PM

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

addiction will tell a man/woman that he/she can do anything. My husband was getting high three/four times a day but wanted to to have children with me.. and I truly think he did want to be a dad... The drugs say.. "hey man, youll be a great dad and you know it.. besides you wont even be doing this tomorrow.. youre just doing it today.." hahah silly thing alcoholism/addiction, cunning, baffling, powerful. He probably truly would love to have children, but right now is in no place to be doing so mentally....

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Kerry you have the time and ability and facility to research as much about alcoholism as you can and I suggest that you do so. Tap into AA open meetings and Al-Anon face to face meetings and the National Institute of Health and the National Alcohol Institute site along with the American Medical Associated and the others. Read and Learn for yourself what the MIP fellowship has and is continuing to do.

Alcoholism is a life time disease...it is not curable and can only be arrested by total abstinence. It is a fatal disease because often the alcoholic and or someone connected to them can and will go insane and die from it. While thousands upon thousands of alcoholics are attempting to abstain they are up against a huge commercial and social population which wants the alcoholic to continue to spend and drink. Alcoholism is an addiction...a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body which affect all levels of the person...mind, body, spirit and emotions and their relationships; (which explains why you are here). Children of alcoholics are very often predisposed to alcoholism themselves (such as my self) and are highly susceptible to the addiction and outcomes.

Scroll down and around to earlier and other post where the discussion has been from mothers about their children. MIP is described as "Miracles In Progress" which it is however another way of interpreting those three letters is "Most Important Place"...Welcome here...read read read...follow the suggestions of others who have been very successful with their lives whether their alcoholics are drinking or not and then practice what we do.

(((((hugs))))) smile

GreenerGrass · Senior Member

I just wanted to add a little something to this because one thing you said about stress causing drinking reminded me of what someone on here said in another post. It is that stress or no stress- the disease will still be there. The compulsion to drink will be there regardless of life's stresses. Also, personally I don't know whether to stay with my husband or not either. It's something I'm trying to give to God everyday. I'm waiting for further instruction I guess!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

HBK - It's a difficult situation you are in. I would try attending alanon for a while and wait a bit so see how your husband's recovery goes. Communication is still key since he is your husband. You guys have a lot of talking to do and probably will need counseling as he progresses in recovery (god willing he stays sober). I don't want to be someone who tells you to ditch your husband because there is a poor chance of him becoming what you need him to be.... If he latches onto recovery and works a good program, he could become a great husband and father. I am thinking that you will have to do some soul searching on your own to really know when enough is enough and if he is really stable enough to be the father of your children. That answer could all be shown to you within the next couple of years (or even sooner).

I am not sure if he is as keen on having kids as you are but you if you have the ability to communicate with him you could set forth some boundaries and expecations for what you want out of the father of your children. That is your right and it is your prerogative to move on if you deem he is not capable or willing to do what it takes to be a good husband and dad.

You have 1 life to live. In short: You don't have to make major decisions today....This whole 12 step thing is for you to make spiritually grounded decisions that you feel comfortable with. Hope you stick around.

hummingbirdkerry · Member

Michelle- I think you're so smart to mention not living years down the road. Can you tell I like to do that, lol? I'm only 22 and I'm freaking out because I might not be able to have children, and you have already been through so much more with miscarriages and first hand experience of how ineffective it is to bank on what the future will be like. I mentioned in my other post that I went to an Alanon meeting and learned so much from listening to others, and I plan to keep going back. It's good to be on this site if only for accountability to keep going to meetings!

And pinkchip- aaaah, boundaries... we talked about that in last night's meeting and I am still very confused about how to go about that. Most people, from what I understand, learn how to set boundaries, but I have NO idea how to go about doing that. My husband feels so confident about his recovery (after 5 days in AA) that he told me he wants me to leave if he ever takes another sip of alcohol. Do you know how scary that is to hear? I thought I would be the one making the decision to leave, not my husband. He just feels so broken down and hurt by all that he has caused us that he couldn't bare to inflict more pain upon us, but the way I see it is that as badly as I need him to heal and get sober, he still might mess up on the journey (is it even ok that I'm excusing it?), and it doesn't mean I'm going to run for the hills if he does mess up. Boundaries are a great mystery to me: I could justify leaving right now and he would understand, but I don't want that. I could definitely justify leaving if he ever hit me, but he never has (that's not to say he never COULD while drinking, because he gets pretty crazy). The truth is, I didn't think I would have put up with as much as I already have, but somehow I am hanging in there and still love him very much, so how far is REALLY too far? How much longer will I wait? I haven't yet answered any of those questions, but I need to in order to get some control over my own life. Anyway, thanks everyone. More comments are welcome:)

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't want to be the barer of a reality check .. however that statement

"My husband feels so confident about his recovery (after 5 days in AA) that he told me he wants me to leave if he ever takes another sip of alcohol. Do you know how scary that is to hear?"

Now may he be someone who that happens with and there are people out there that is how it works once they decide they are done they are done. Most addicts or many I should say have a slip and that is very normal. It's more important that they have the tools to get back up on the sobriety horse and continue with their program. It's not about failing to remain sober though.

It's also very important instead of being focused on what he is or isn't doing or going to do that you keep focused on what you are doing and not doing.

I find boundaries and God bless the people on these boards I still struggle with this concept although I have strong boundaries it's applying them appropriately I struggle with .. if my spouse were an active drinker I would not get in a car with him if he had been drinking. Ditto for the kids as well, that is an example of a boundary that I would apply in those situations. The other boundary I have is I will focus time and energy into myself. That is a little promise I make to myself so that each day I devote time to me. So there are all kinds of ways to apply boundaries.

There is no time limit, I kind of feel like you are asking for permission to leave when it gets to XYZ time then you leave and no one is going to tell you that here. That is something you have to figure out on your own. You are already aware that you are focusing outward and way to far ahead at this point, so my answer for myself is today I am prepared to stay. I don't think about yesterday or tomorrow I keep focused on today and the now.

Keep coming back, you are worth it. :)

Hugs P :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

In my experience if I knew what I do now, I would never have had kids with a person with the disease of addiction.

Its not something they succeed or fail at. It is an incuable disease.

Its also not all about them using. There are many other symptoms to being an addict. These symptoms can and usually do get worse or come out as the A gets older.

My own ah would say oh he is just not drinking. Meaning that means nothing and is not being in recovery. Look up relapse.

It makes me so sad to see all the things you are having to take in and realize when you are so young and in love. It is not his fault he is an addict.

No one chooses to be one. as much as I loved my ah I would never under any circumstances live with him again and I knew him my whole life.

There is no sense in waiting out the ninety in ninety like it is a test or a cure or anything. It's just a step in an A's recovery that we hope will last a long time. But we never know.

Its hard to face about kids. I invite you to take ONE day at a time. Do your best each day. Just love him. go to al anon meetings, research the disease, relapse. kids with a's.

education is the best thing to have when making huge decisions.

believe me you don't know now. that is your answer. Your answer will come to you as you research and learn.

come back lots, we care. love,debilyn

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