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My mother is 87 years old .. I'm so afraid to post on her because I'm feeling the shame of she's old, just forgive her and forget it .. be with her now while you can .. someday she'll be gone .. Believe me, these are messages I have told myself .. but in Not sharing there is less of me to be with her in the days she has left .. Sharing makes more room ..
My parents had a mentality that Regardless of what Either one of them does or says, They are Right Because .. they are my parents .. The United ? Front .. They gave the show of being United but there was Much anger between them .. My mother resented my father for his drinking days and my father passively went along with things yet hid behind my mother .. When it came down to it my mother got a lot of the blame, Even for his decisions .. My family moved out around the time i was 5 coming back for the occasional family get together but never really spending too much time and never one on one with me .. I was Seen definitely but Never Heard .. When they moved out, the house got quiet .. it was Me and My 2 parents .. and a whole lot of grief .. for us all really .. My mother didn't pay much attention to me and my dad was Never home .. Little bit at night .. It was me and my child like fantasy and fortunately many childhood friends but I Never sensed Any kind of unity in my family or closeness .. To make a long story short, I was your every day kid looking for guidance love support and attention which Never came .. If I expressed the emotion of happiness it was unnoticed or seemed to be shot down .. If i was angry i was labelled and told I was Ungrateful, selfish, disrespectful, bad, etc.. but I wasn't just told .. My sisters were told and so forth .. My mother would send the shame down the line telling Everyone what was the matter with me .. I resented her for years .. It was all so hidden and i was labelled as the troublemaker Argumentive Problem child .. Scape Goat ?? My point in this is Noone ever called her on it .. they just watched it happen over and years for years and let Me Be her target to avoid trading rolls or standing alongside me .. After watching her make me her target and allowing her to turn my family against me little by little my brothers and sisters would look at me with a poor you attitude .. I'm seeing it for the first time and I'm angry .. I Feel as though I have been literally Robbed of a family, parents, so much ..
Although I have come So far in my journey .. The anger toward my mother has never been entirely removed and Lately it seems to be coming back .. For some time it was ok because I was enjoying the healing in other areas .. Now it seems to be time for this one ..
I don't know where I'm going with this .. I'm Not real focused but I'm not gonna judge it .. i'm just gonna post this .. Has Anyone ever experienced this ??
I'm also very angry at my father because when he was mad he would say things puposely in front of others .. using the make you an outcast, get everyone mad at you type of method ..
With my mother she would stare at me from across the room, it made me so self conscious .. Ask me Everyday if i were making friends at school .. Making friends ?? I was literally in survival feeling Different Isolated Shamed .. Thank God I had friends but newer friends ?? As I got older the pain grew .. It was very awkward at times .. by the grace of God I handled it the best I could but i used to cringe Every time she asked me ..
She also blamed me for her marriage problems and for Any time of unsettlement in our home .. Told me often I was Different from her other kids .. (I couldn't keep my mouth shut on the fact something was very wrong as I got older .. When I was little though I felt again shy, closed off, different, awkward, less then ) your everyday bad feelings, etc.. No wonder though I came into alanon thinking i'm so powerful, etc.. They always told me You Know so and so will think that or is thinking that or feeling this or feeling that .. So much mass confusion ..
It must be hard seeing her grow old and having the mixed emotions of love and unresolved anger. I've learned a lot about forgiveness and letting go and its ability to heal us. We had a right to be angry, but holding on seems to hurt us more than anyone. Maybe write a letter with all your feelings and emotions and then burn it and let it go. Just a thought.
I sat down to write this earlier and life kept getting in the way .. lol. Anyway, what I wanted to share was this .. a lot of my anger and resentment went away during my last visit with my mom when I stopped expecting her to fix a broken past. The reality is I am responsible for my own happiness and my decisions in my life. When I was a child and at the mercy of the dysfunctional adults in my life I was powerless which is where I came up with my twisted thinking if I am in control then I am safe.
Something else I stopped doing was expecting her to meet emotional needs she just can't meet. Should she? In a perfect world where I got the parent/s I deserved of course .. lol .. the world isn't perfect (neither am I .. oh the shock of it :) ). The reality is there are needs I can meet and if you are looking at inner child work you can meet them as well. I'm big on letter writing and burning it. Even better, .. write a letter read it out loud to your sponsor and then burn it. Read it to someone who can just listen without comment. Then you have the power as you are burning it to say "I choose to let this go." It no longer needs to control me.
It was shocking to see how old my mom had gotten and how much time I spent trying to control how she parented me. I figured somewhere if she wasn't going to be the parent I deserved I was going to make her be that parent to me. I was really surprised when I stopped doing those things how I accepted her (and myself) and allowed her to give me what she could without those predetermined needs of me being the parent enforcer. This is how a good parent does and she screwed it up once again .. I stopped doing that and we are beginning a new relationship.
I've heard all the statements about lack of personal responsibility. It is far easier to point the finger than accept basic responsibility for choices we make. It was my fault she married her 2nd husband because after all I liked him. LOL .. umm .. I was 15 and any adult who is allowing their 15 year old to make big life choices has some BIG issues. Now .. as an adult I understand this .. as a child I did not and as a young adult I did not either. Now I see that is not my issue and I can love her anyway. Which is pretty big for me.
It really gets better, and I can understand how someone saying that you should or shouldn't share something would trigger that instant child wondering what did I do wrong again .. the reality is .. even as a child it was not your burden to bare. Keep up the good work on yourself and the great awareness.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I stopped expecting her to fix a broken past. True enough this is what i've been doing and as i read it i see my insanity on expecting her to be able to .. lol may be part of the reason she's mad .. Somehow it seems almost funny tonight .. and lol expecting her to meet my emotional needs .. i can see tonight clearer that lately she's a basket case .. That parts not funny .. my insane expectations are .. I love the shares that come but for me i recognise sharing is how i let go .. A little clarity at a time .. I'm so grateful to have you all i just can't tell you .. I forgot about the inner child .. it didn't dawn on me how much of that child must have been triggered again .. i do have some major inner child work to do .. some work on feelings too .. but in sharing i'm doing at least a little work now .. I just hope you and others can be patient enough to no blow up on me .. lol sometimes i need to hear it over and over because i do it over and over but each time it gets better and there end up being some straighter lines in there ... at least they switch from complete circles ..
Michelle thanks again for the encouragement .. I love when i'm allowed to just discover me .. i'm here for me .. as long as i remember what i typed that what i need is different from others i'll maintain the courage & hope to keep coming back !! .. you all help me to receive so much of that awareness .. !!
and yes tired it's very hard but i had an experience when i made ammends to my oldest sister whose passed on .. when i went to her my amends was so powerful in that i was saying to her what good is this amends at your gravesite, my reply nearly stopped my car when i heard the awareness of her saying to me ... what do you mean what kind of amends is this .. it's the best kind .. i'm face to face with God .. it was beautiful so the very small amount of comfort i get is in knowing that even when she's gone her spirit will live on and God will continue to work in us both ..
