The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been with my fiancé for 6 years. Two years into the relationship his father died, sending him into a depression and to alcohol. We were young and didn't live together and I didn't realize he had a problem until a year later when I found him almost dead surrounded by bottles. He went to rehab voluntarily 3 times. He would come home a week, relapse and go back. He has been sober a year and we are engaged and living together. I always knew he smoked a little pot and it didn't bother me...I thought it was better than drinking. However I have been discovering the amount and it is really bothering me. I ask him about it and he says he needs it to deal with anxiety and not drink. I think he has just changed substances from alcohol to pot. He has a job and is productive, but it really bothers me. I feel like he is never sober in a true sence. I just don't understand what is so bad in his life that he can't live it free of anything. I am really second guessing getting married. We have been together so long and I am really scared. I have never posted before but needed to get it out.
I'm glad you are here. Many alcoholics do indeed exchange one addiction for another (or do them all at once!). It's really not about what's so bad in his life, it's about being ensnared by addiction. Addiction produces a compulsion to use the substance so that it dwarfs everything else going on in life. The addict may say he needs the drink or the drug because of this, that, or the other thing, but he's not a true guide to his own behavior because addiction causes a kind of insanity. He's doing it because he's an addict, that's the real answer. In Al-Anon there's the saying, "He's going to do what he's going to do, what are you going to do?" The question I wish someone had asked me early on is, "If you knew for certain he was not going to change, what would you do? What decisions would you make?"
It is very hard to live with addiction. I hope you can find face-to-face meetings, learn all you can about addiction, and keep coming back. Hugs.
Not to crosstalk however what Mattie shared is so spot on and I really like/love these two sayings at this point I've gone to both of them in conversation .. "He's going to do what he's going to do, what are you going to do?" The question I wish someone had asked me early on is, "If you knew for certain he was not going to change, what would you do? What decisions would you make?"
In any relationship there is 100% of the person to accept not just the parts we like and change the rest people don't come with interchangeable personalities. We can't say oh I like his personality when he's sober and don't like the addiction part because it's part of who they are as a whole person.
I also encourage you to find face to face meetings and learn what you can it's not an easy road to walk and while the person can find sobriety on all fronts it is not always and easy road to walk.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hi srn2, I completely relate with this because I did not understand that various drugs, alcohol.. etc.. is all the same. I did not get that. I thought "well if he just drinks three nights a week its better than four".. then "well if its just alcohol its better than opiates".. or "if its beer its better than liquor." What I am so thankful I learned is that the substance is not the problem, the problem is the disease: addiction/alcoholism. I learned that for my husband the alcohol or the opiates, whichever it was that day, he depended on it. It made his anxieties diminish, it made whatever trouble he had going on in is head and heart dissappear for the moment. That's why he does it and thats why he kept doing it. If you could go into a bar and order a shot of serenity people would.. but it must be learned and most people don't know how to find it.. but you order a shot of tequila and you feel serenity for a minute... it sells because it gives what the seeker is seeking.. the sad part is its a band aid and the problem that is in the user's gut, that problem remains, and worsens and worsens. Anyway what I was saying before is I did not undestand that pot is alcohol is heroin is food.. whatever it is that gives the person that feeling of ease that they seek, whatever it is that is masking the issues. My husband told me he was an opiate addict when I met him.. but we went out drinking together all the time because i did not realize its one in the same.. when I stopped drinking so often and so much because i got older and more mature.. he "stopped" drinking too. Because he loves me and wanted to make me happy, he was home with me but he was not there mentally. .... his issues were there, in his spirit, he did not work a program or work on himself in any way to make them better so they remained.. so he started snorting oxies again because he could disguise it and he did, well.. for about a year. I had no idea... Its a gradual decline but it happened.. he was so lethargic and boring and his spirit was dry, he was such a zombie but I did not really see it, I always thought it was working late or working hard or couldnt sleep on and on it goes... i would not call it denial because it was pure trickery.. I mean he manipulated and lied and truly truly had me fooled. but either way I know now what I did not then and it was not my fault... I know now that in order to be healthy and on the road to recovery my husband needs AA, a sponsor, group therapy etc and absolutely no substances... But i am not his keeper, Im not his parole officer either and it is entirely up to him to do this. So happy you found this board. Serenity is being sold here.. but its free haha, just takes a little work.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
