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Hi, I'm not really sure where to start. I'm an addict in another fellowship; in recovery for 2 years; sober for 1 year. As I progress in my recovery for my primary addiction I find that my alanonic behaviours and codependency are still lingering and causing me an enormous amount of pain.
To cut a long story very short (and I've briefly read a few similar stories to mine on this board), my relationship with my DP disintegrated when I entered into recovery and is essentially over - we have been sleeping in separate bedrooms and don't have any sort of meaningful conversation except talking about the weather. My DP is dry; hasn't picked up a drink in 5 years but absolutely will not contemplate any sort of recovery program and resents me enormously for doing my own work and getting healthy, mainly because it means she can no longer control me. She has also consistently refused to go to couples counselling.
The problem is that we have two small children together and I am financially dependent on her. I am the primary carer of our kids and only work part-time. I have been daydreaming about and longing for my own place and a new start, but the thought of splitting up my family and moving out (the house and everything is in her name) fills me with terror.
So I decided to do nothing until I had a sign from God.
In the meantime I am trying to put myself first and boy is it bloody hard!! I am buried in an avalanche of toxic guilt. I work 4 evenings a week, so I feel guilty about taking up more time to go to meetings (because she doesn't). I feel guilty about socialising (because she doesn't). I feel guilty about going out to concerts (because she doesn't). Yoga (because she doesn't). Pretty much anything that doesn't involve sitting on the couch watching TV. And I am filled with so much grief when I think about how much of my life I haven't lived because of this compulsion to caretake her feelings and avoid being criticised or shamed or accused of being selfish (one of her favourite things to do).
So I desperately need some of your ESH: how do you overcome the guilt of putting yourself first, when your A reacts so badly to anything you do to self-care?
Hi lightningsally. I think its great that although you are involved in another fellowship you are taking steps toward becoming even more healthy by checking out Al-Anon. These boards have helped me immensely and Im sure you will find them helpful as well. For me, making myself number one in my own life has been very beneficial. I don't look to others to make me happy because I know how to do that now on my own. I can be happy just within me. Its actually helped me to accept others for who they are and love unconditionally. Youre situation is much different than mine involving the family and the house. My AH and I live in a rented home and we do not have kids. I think the financial aspects can be hard at times but for me its been important to think beyond any material item and into my heart for what I truly want. This is not to say you should do anything right now at all. Maybe you could try some face to face al-anon meetings. Ive found my whole perspective has changed and the way I felt before al-anon does not even make sense to me anymore. So welcome and keep coming back and reading and posting.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
I am a struggling newbie, but here are my thoughts. It sounds like part of the guilt problem is that you are still trying to make her happy with your behavior (or at least not mad at you). And so you have given her your power. I think that you must let her be responsible for her feelings - her anger, her frustration - and you be responsible for your feelings, i.e. it is ok to feel good about what you are doing and not feel guilt just because it is not what she would do. I haven't been very active on this board, but I've been in therapy for almost a year now, and my therapist reminds me all the time that I responsible for myself - not for my alcoholic husband. So, I think you should be proud that you are doing whatever you can to make yourself healthy and strong, for you and your kids. She must make her own decisions, and in the end, you have to come to peace with that, and let go of any sense of responsibility for her state of being. But I know, guilt can be so, so hard. And you have a difficult situation with the kids and your work, etc. Just keep taking care of yourself, and I think, with time, you will figure out what you must do.
I would say "I need time to myself and to do things I enjoy doing that you might not. I think our relationship is healthiest when we are both whole people who then interact as a couple. It is not healthy when we are two incomplete people trying to use each other to be whole." Follow that with something like "When you love someone, you set them free. You are free to do things you like and I know you will come back to me more happy and fulfilled. I just want the same thing." If she can't grasp or handle that, then she is playing control, guilt, jealousy, and manipulation games and you have to draw boundaries on how much you will be controlled by that, how much you will listen to it, or if it's even worth sticking around with someone that stifles your spirit from being as whole as it should be.
A wonderful Alanoner once told me that guilt isn't an Alanon tool. For me, guilt relates to low self-esteem and sometimes to step-work.
After what seems like forever, last week, I finally put myself first over my exAH... and now, my exAH tells me it(I) was wrong. I'm trying to sort through the confusion if I was wrong or if it's his manipulation.... and I'm starting to feel guilt. If what I did was wrong, it was unintentional/an "honest mistake" and I would want to make amends. Tomorrow I'm going to sort my motivations with a neutral party- hoping that will bring clarity and show me what is the next right thing.
I've found that when I make changes, it takes others' time to adjust and get used to my new pattern. Family and friends have been so used to me not putting myself first, or not saying 'no', that it initially bothers them as a betrayal. I'm finding that their ruffled feathers passes.
I also think that practicing being good to ourselves is bound to feel uncomfortable until we become better at it.
