The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've known for awhile that things between me and my A were over. Unfortunately, due to financial and other considerations that I won't go into on a public forum, we are stuck with each other. We live on the same property, but since last summer we live in separate buildings. I've gotten very good at detachment. Alanon and this board have been a big help. I'm taking steps to make a life for myself (as much as possible under the circumstances) but I feel trapped. I know that we are done as a couple. But I still have to see and deal with him every day. We are civil and polite to one another. But I so want to move forward and make a life for myself. I'm not sure what I mean by, or expect from this post. Just feeling the need to share to help get these feelings out of my head. Thanks for being here for me.
Feeling stuck isn't an easy place to live. Maybe, this is a time where you're right where you need to be- in the sense that this arrangement has allowed you the opportunity to accomplished a lot. Detachment is huge! You're able to have a civil relationship with your A and that is huge too. Then, you've started taking steps to make a life for yourself.... I know your situation sounds limited, but time often leads us to change. When you're ready, more opportunities for change will present themselves... we don't know what life will bring.
I'm in the process of rebuilding my life, one baby step at a time and feel I'm just at the beginning stages. I try and keep open to new experiences; I'm doing things that I never would have imagined even a year ago.
When I need help defining what it is that I want, I start writing down anything that comes to mind for about 15 minutes.... it's helpful and I'm often surprised at the last few things that are on the paper. Sometimes, I'll ask a friend to help me with this- to keep asking me the question and write down what I say. This way, I can just clear my head and not censor my answers.
More than likely, I will soon need to make compromises that will be very scary and not lend towards immediate security. I have been frozen by fear on more than one occasion... Hopefully, security will come sooner than later and my fears will fade.
I can identify with your feelings. My AHSober moved out over six year ago. He thought it would be so simple-sign on the dotted line. We work for the same school only on different campuses. We had lived in the community together for seventeen years; raised our kids here; shared work and everything else. I don't see him that often. Just in meetings. But because he left, I have been left to answers the awkward questions. I am real aloof when I see him. He brags about all that he does where he lives. I must say that I am not very polite. I would really like to quit my job and move. At least I won't have to deal with him at work. However, in this economy, I have not had much luck with a new job. At times I feel trapped. When I see him I am sad about the life that we use to have and have lost.
I make sure that I take care of myself and stay healthy. I go to meetings even AA as much as possible. When I have a sinking spell, my recovery friends are my support. I have created a life without him as much as possible. I do not feel that it is anyone's business but mine so I don't answer questions. All the best to you. This too shall pass.
((((Katie))))...My best experience was the result of a sponsor get together when I trusted in him and told him I made a mistake marrying my alcoholic/addict. He responded "When you find that you have made a mistage...go back and correct it." It helped to lead up to exercising the "courage to change the things I could". The very worse person I held resentments against for beating me up was me. Trust God...Clean House...
I agree with Hot Rod and the posts that say trust your HP. I don't know how long you have lived separatley...but for me it took a year to detach enough to start moving on. Hugs to you .
I am finding that one of the most difficult things I have to deal with is uncertainty....and it's because my comfort zone is to have a plan, so I can give myself the illusion of control. Uncertainty and not knowing just makes me really uncomfortable.
I have some real buddhist leanings, and one book that has helped me immensely is tara brach's Radical Acceptance. She also has free podcasts on itunes and a couple on her website....
It's okay that you aren't sure of where you are, or where to go from here...do something else while you wait...
maybe reframe "stuck" as "waiting for clarity"... that may help too...
Katie - I know that financially and geographically there are things keeping you tied to your husband. It will take something radical to get yourself out of the situation and it will be costly and mean starting over in almost every way.....But it might be worth it at some time. I'm sure you've considered all options. For now, it's okay to be frustrated and confused because the situation is pretty confusing from how you explained it to me.
HHugs, just sending love and support. I'm glad you come here to share. Keep coming back. Hugs p ;)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Pineapple, I sympathize with you - I am dealing with trying to figure out how to make living apart financially feasible right now. And I don't have any wise answers, I'm a newbie to this board, and I'm just soaking up everybody's strength and conviction like a sponge. The one mental process that I have gone though is this: If I had to lose everything - literally start over financially - would it be worth it to have my freedom from this? And I have thought - yes. If I can keep my dog (he takes my dog over my dead body), we're a team, and I'll be ok. Having gone through this mental process, it became easier for me to step back and say - ok, I think I'm ready to take some risks. I may have to eat ramen noodles for year to keep my house, but I'll try it. If I absolutely have to sell and start over, I'll do it. Having said this, I hope it isn't necessary. It is very hard. You are not alone in this hard decision and thought process. I do like what rehprof said - maybe reframe 'stuck' as 'waiting for clarity'. Good luck, listen to your heart, and whatever you do, do it for you.
You've probably thought of all this, but is there anyway to 'split' the property by having a land line revision, then you could sell your portion and move to a new place, or just build a giant fence? Probably a naive idea, but it just popped into my head.
I was so very afraid of the financial fallout of divorce. It's three years later, and I am okay. I don't know what this year looks like, but I don't think I'm supposed to know, I think I'm just supposed to keep trusting. I do know last year worked out just fine, my every need was met. I even quit a second job because my health was declining and my sponsor "dared" me to let go of it and just trust God.
I did. And I learned this: the Universe loves me. For some reason, it just does.
Thank you Great, loving Universe!!!
If and when you decide to leap ((my friend)) the net will appear. Either way, you are okay.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Thank you all for the responses, ESH, and support. Yes, we really are ¨stuck¨ with each other right now. Finances are part of the reason, but it's much more complicated than just that. As pinkchip said, it is going to take something radical to make a change and I haven't figured it out yet. So until I do I'll keep taking it one day at a time while I'm ¨waiting for clarity¨. (Thanks for that rehprof!) And I'll keep coming here because this place really does help me so much. Thanks again everyone.
SSomeone shared a while ago to think of the waiting time as preparation time. ;)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
