The material presented
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First I do want to wish everyone a wonderful and safe new year.
That said I want to know if I'm off the ball here. My AH (recovering for a year and a half) asked me today if he could have non-alcoholic beer. I was very skeptical and educated him to the fact that the taste and smell could trigger cravings etc, but I eventually reluctantly agreed under the assumption that non-alcoholic= no alcohol. My AH was very honest with me and did tell me that there is alcohol in them. Of course this changed my mind completely. I do want to commend myself that instead of trying to control the situation I simply stated "I cannot control what you do or don't do with your sobriety." Of course he didn't like this answer at all. It means that he has to take responsibility for his actions and it means that he has to stay committed to staying clean. Unfortunately this doesn't mean that I didn't suffer. He went into the store and got the other items we needed and didn't buy alcohol. Which is a great thing, but I did not praise him as this was something he needed to do for himself, not to make me happy. He was pretty unbearable afterwards though. We went over to his parent's house for dinner and to watch the ball drop. He ate dinner, but for several hours after worked on the car. Which he had intentions of doing anyways, but it really seemed to me like he was pouting. When I would go out he wouldn't speak to me and if he did it was short sentences. Then once he did come in (at the request of his father) he didn't say anything to me. Then at midnight he went out and lit firecrackers with his dad and cousins. Maybe I'm throwing a tantrum now, but this is the FIRST new years eve that we were able to spend together since we started dating and got married. (We've been married for 2 years and together for 1 year prior to our marriage.) In fact he didn't even try to kiss me until his family started to say something to him about not doing it. Now he has pretty much refused to talk to me all night and is now asleep.
I did have plans that if he relapsed tonight that I would tell him to not bother coming back home. (he's a truck driver and is often gone.) Maybe I'm over reacting or the one acting childish. Our whole relationship has been based on lies and drinking and attention seeking behavior and all I want is to have a "normal" relationship. I want to have someone that doesn't resent me and actually loves me and goes out of his way to show it. I dunno....I've never cheated on him and I never would, but I just can't help but feel that he doesn't really love, although he says he does.
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~*~Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change~*~
Sounds to me like your AH was trying to sabotage his sobriety-I know from experience that the non-A beer quickly leads to just one or two beers to the gallons of hard stuff for my AH. Wouldn't be suprised if he was subconciously trying to push your buttons to make you angry, have a fight and then an excuse to dring-jmho. Today is a new day-I say let it go-again jmho-holidays are big triggers for the A's in our life.
He may have already relapsed on the road and is looking for a ways to sort of drink at home with your permission. Either way, it sounds more about the way he treats you more than anything else.
I'm sorry that is how things went. He didn't get the fight he wanted and believe me wanting to turn the table and say it's all your fault. I find in certain situations I really have to qtip it and just not take it personally. Just because he wants to act like a jerk doesn't mean it needs to ruin my moment. I'm sure it's disappointing he is having some issues, that has to do with him not you. Give yourself time and be easy too. Hugs p ;)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
The fact that he asked you is slightly strange to me because he is a grown adult.. I think it was great that you just left the decision up to him because taking on the role of making decisions for a grown man is a very touchy situation. He then could try to blame you even though he would still have no right to do so whether you "gave him permission" or not.. its his body, his mouth that he is pouring into and his arm that is bending the bottle toward that mouth. He has to want recovery for him and maybe he has not hit that point yet where he is done where there is nothing good from it any longer. You did not cause it, but you also cant cure it or control it either. Whenever I tried thinking up when I would leave it ended badly for me because when the day came I actually would not want to leave. Now I don't do that anymore and instead I just stay in today, this one moment, because thinking of next week could give me a panic attack. Like I think... do I want to be living in this house with my AH today.. and if the answer is yes.. which it always is.. I stay. If the answer is "no" someday. I will deal with it that day. You can still have a great new year's day whether he drinks or not, or talks to you or not.. because "when you start loving yourself you start a life long romance"... and you are worth that.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
I think it is wonderful that you put the responsibility back on to him. My AH used to ask me for "permission" too. I have learned to not give my opinion at all and take myself out of the equation, so he is left to deal with his relationship with alcohol without my input as a diversion/distraction. Please be gentle on yourself. Today I am focusing on "How Important is it?". My expectations are sometimes not aligned with the reality of my situation. When my AH, and even my children (2 and 5) are in bad moods and not behaving the way I want them to, I tend to get really hurt and disappointed. If I ask myself, "How Important is it?", I am able to put it in its true perspective, based on the facts, not just my feelings. I hope you have a lovely day. You deserve it! Easy does it. hugs
I think you handled this situation really well, and you are not being childish at all. In fact quite the opposite, you are being the adult here. It is hard to have a "normal" relationship with someone who has broken trust repeatedly; I am separated from AH but I know that even if I do get back with him at some point it won't be like it was, or more importantly, what I hoped it would be. I also find it is hard to feel loved from someone who is still in the early throes of the disease (I'd say 1.5 years is quite early) - this disease takes a real toll on someone's emotional health and I believe that learning to express love again in a healthy way is very challenging for A's. Taking good care and loving yourself regardless of someone else's moods is key to getting back on track. Wishing you support - the year has only started, there are better days ahead.
Ugh, this stomping around trying to push buttons behaviour sounds so much like my husband. I didn't think you were being childish at all. NYE is kind of a crappy night to be with an A, period.
