The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Being part of MIP and Al - Anon for the short period I have, I have learned a lot about alcoholism as a disease.
My question is if you see your A, showing wrong behavior that is not conducive to recovery. Should you call them out on it or let it go. They will work out their own recovery?
ttpurtee, I'm so glad you found this board. If one has an A in their life it is so important to learn about alcoholism. I have to say from my own experience that calling my A on his wrong behavior was useless. Anything I said was either met with denial, or just went in one ear and out the other. Eventually I learned that his recovery (or lack of) was HIS business. He would do it his way if and when he was ready. NOTHING I said or did made any difference. So I quit. I now leave his behavior to him, right or wrong. I leave him in HP's hands and focus on myself and my own behavior.
There is no right answer to this one. It all depends on the person's stage of recovery and how much they might value your feedback and be open to hearing it. You have to be the judge also of whether it comes from a place of loving, concern, and caring versus bitterness, nagging, and control.
Since I am in recovery for a while, I actually value loving feedback from my significant other when he sees me getting off track, but when I was an active drinker I argued and justified my behaviors and didn't want to be accountable to anyone else.
So....again...there is no right answer to this. Both alanon and AA are spiritual programs and you need to get in touch with your own higher power, reflect on the serenity prayer, the steps and such and then plan your actions based on that rather than the result it might have on your qualifier's behaviors.
I have found for me I have to watch my motive, stick to the "what's" of the situation. What do you think has replaced a LOT of conversations.
I agree with all that has already been shared, it's something you have to find your own flow with what works in your relationship. I couldn't have certain conversations a year ago that have taken place recently, I just wasn't ready and it's good that I wasn't ready, neither were the other parties.
Whomever it is .. their recovery their business to see they are getting it done. I am certainly allowed to state a feeling or fact based upon my motivations and my willingness to let it go after that.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I would agree as well, it depends on the stage of recovery and your feelings. I can tell you from my experience, my AH is sober a few months and working an AA program. However, he still exhibits "dry drunk" behavior a lot which I think is to be expected at this stage. However since he appears to be taking his program seriously as far as I can tell, I think he is more open than he would be last year, when he was a brick wall if you called him out on anything. Last week I actually confronted him about some obnoxious behavior - I did it in a way that was as calm as I could, but got my point across (I hope) and I think in this case it helped as he needed to know I was hurt by his behavior. A lot of it is about timing and readiness. Wishing you support, nyc
For me the solution to that is in the 1st and other steps, the 3Cs, the slogans and listening to my sponsor and the rooms share their recovery ESH. Coming here is important cause those solutions are talked about daily.
"Admitted we were powerless..."
"Didn't Cause it, Can't Control it, Will not Cure it"
"Let go and Let God...When in doubt...DON'T!!"..."Detach"..."Turn it (HIM) over"...and soooo much more.
I agree that it depends. If I confront my AH in a way that is like "Is something wrong and if so I want you to know you can tell me." That is not threatening and opens communication and expresses that he can be honest with me. If I am feeling angry, resentful, controlling and my motives for asking are to nag him, control him, or change him than its best just left unsaid and I should get to a meeting.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
