I feel better today. More positive and less fearful. I cannot live in worry and doubt. My husband's resolve to get clean seems strong and I choose to believe him. I told him my fears about him not getting it- that he may be an addict and not just "addicted" to pain meds. He agrees to investigate with an open mind. He said he lied because he knew I'd relive my past fears of growing up in an alcoholic family and having my sister be lost for so long and he just couldn't put me through that. I know a lot of what I feel has nothing to do with his issue but with unresolved healing of my own- The powerlessness and anguish of the first 22 years of my life. I will tell my mom that I'm going to Al-Anon to resolve older issues (I used to go to ACA, but stopped as she got healthier) this will let me go and deal with old and new issues with the added benefit of child care. I also told my husband my greatest fear that my love for him will be lost and that we'll enter a cycle of resentment and anger. I also told him I was afraid of getting too involved with his sobriety and that I couldn't be the only one who knew. he has to reach out to friends of his who are in NA and find others out there who understand. telling him my fears really helped. I feel cautiously hopeful.