Why is smoking the lesser evil? - Al-Anon Family Group

Lost survivor · Member

Why is smoking the lesser evil?

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

The disease of addiction does not care about your age. He is an addict, this is what addicts do.

He does not do it to hurt you or anyone. It's not personal, again it is a disease.

Many addicts are addicted to porn, gambling and more. They are not wired like non addicts, it's in their dna.

I hope you find and go to Al Anon meetings where you are. It will help you so much.

welcome, debilyn

Tracey C · Senior Member

I know this isn't about your actual question. It's something that may be of interest though.

The other week on the Dr's show, one mentioned that when we look at the statistics of smoking, people who smoke are the highest percentage of lung cancer deaths. Over all deaths though, smoking is only a small percentage of them. So I guess it depends on how we look at it.

I myself don't smoke, my husband does though. Since hearing this I've changed my tune a bit on it. It doesn't bother me if he wants to now as long as it's not near myself or inside the house or car.

Tracey

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Addiction is baffling, cunning and powerful. There is no rationalization other than they have a compulsion to do it. As the addiction takes hold, the ability to be honest lessens and a destructive nature increases; my exha spins one lie/distortion after the next- I'll venture to say that he does it to manipulate and control because he has fear.

After his first rehab, he took up pipe smoking. He didn't smoke indoors- his car was his business. Knowing the alternatives of drugs and alcohol, I let it alone. It lasted about one and a half years- he no longer smokes that I am aware of.

Anyway, for me, there was nothing I could really do about it- just limit where he smoked.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

He sneaks it because of you...he is afraid of your judgement and reactions (verbal and non-verbal, body language) and at the same time he is getting an award from smoking...a consequence, an affect, a mind, mood, body and spirit consequence you don't understand because you have a set mind set and belief that you practice and he doesn't. He is an addict and like the others have said..."different". His thinking doesn't come first...his behavior does...his thinking will follow after the experience of smoking and the negative consequences begin to build...just like a child experimenting by putting devises in their mouth...touch, feel, taste, form or not form a habit by continuing regardless of what anyone else attempts to think, feel, believe or do.

"Addiction is the compulsive use of any mind, mood and physically altering substance inspite of awareness and negative consequences".

Continue to not smoke yourself...It's what we learn to do...for ourselves.

Good to have you on the board...bringing up the awareness that nicotene is a drug also is good stuff. ((((hugs)))) smile

Lost survivor · Member

Thank you for your responses..a drug is a drug, even if it is nicotine and I just hate it. I think to say the addict's mind is different is a cop out so that they have an excuse to continue because , "it's not their fault, they lack control, etc"

I think if my husband got caught again by our children he would have more incentive to quit the stupidness. Our therapist has nailed him on the head when it comes to his attitudes and actions- he acts out to rebel against me because of long standing issues he has had with his mother. He wouldn't quit for me, he would quit for them...that's how he finally realized he was an alcoholic...he put our baby in danger. I will continue to read these boards and find some meetings to go to...but just like others with loved ones that smoke, I will continue to push him to quit.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Lost survivor

GREAT RESPONSES. I was a smoker for over 30 years and enjoyed every moment of it. They relaxed me and enabled me to think better.

Cigarettes are a major cause of illness but when addicted, I too had the arrogant attitude of the addict: I am smarter than everyone "It will not happen to me" Addicts ALWAYS think they are special and can overcome any odds.

Everyone was powerless over my addiction to cigarettes Anything they said went in one ear and out the other Remember we are powerless over others. My response was I am going to die from something so I will take my chance.

One day My doctor offered me an easy way to stop and I agreed to take the pill--- long story short I have stopped smoking for 3 years and know in my heart of hearts that if I ever pick up another cigarette, I would be back to 3 packs a day.

Arguing with an addict is FUTILE as our One Day at a Time often observes Let Go and Let God and focus on yourself is the best we can do.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

What kind of adult just starts smoking? Perhaps one that is a generic addict that also constantly goes to AA and meetings and then hangs around afterwards for the conversation with others who also smoke. Up until about 15 years ago (a guess on my part) AA rooms were full of smoke and it was just part of the culture almost. It is generally seen that smoking is SOOO much less of a problem because it doesn't block you from working a spiritual program. I tend to disagree though because for me, smoking did less damage to my life, but it was a worse ball and chain because I could go 30 minutes without a drink, but I would be seriously wanting a cigarette every 30 minutes. So glad I quit almost 2 years ago. I went into AA as a smoker though and utilized those tools to quit. Even of the people I know who have tried to quit smoking in AA, most of them have failed. We addicts/alcoholics always gravitate towards crutches to "help" us get through life and deal with reality. We never realize the dangers of walking with these crutches until we are literally hobbling along all crippled and what not. It is sad.

Anyhow, 2 years sober is still pretty early and more will be revealed for your husband. In many ways, he is probably like a teenager due to how alcohol affected him. I am just 3 years sober and I catch myself acting like a dumb baby all the time lol.

(I know what I wrote is all about him and not really alanon tools for you - this is just where my experience lies so....)

In support,

Mark

GreenerGrass · Senior Member

I used to smoke too and I didn't care what people said, in fact, it annoyed me greatly. The only thing that made me quit was becoming pregnant and my feelings against smoking during pregnancy. Anyway, I totally relate to not wanting your husband to set a bad example for your kids. This is you feeling responsible for everything your kids see and experience. This one isnt your fault though, and there's nothing you can do to stop it.

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

Addiction is addiction is addiction. I remember visiting my ex in rehab and being astounded at everyone smoking at the break. He chewed tobacco. I was surprised since they were only limited to one cup of coffee a day, and promoting this healthy lifestyle, so I asked how it was that they allowed smoking. His response was, "they figured if they didn't no one would come." I don't know if he said it tongue in cheek or not, but I imagine there a lot of truth it.

Lost survivor · Member

Pink chip- I do appreciate your response from your point of view. I am trying to learn the attitudes and thinking of the alcoholic/addict's mind, so that it can help me put things into perspective. Thank you

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Trying to figure out how the addict , alcoholic mind works ? goodluck with that one I gave that up yrs ago I am never going to figure out how anyone s mind works I have trouble with my own . When I first read your post the first thing that came to mind was Gratitude - grateful that he is sober , a coffee and a smoke with a sober man beats a drunk day anytime , but thats just me. This is not about you .period

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,
Why does he start smoking now? Because he is an addict. It doesn't matter if it is alcohol or smoking or porn or gambling. He does it without thinking at all.

So, you have your boundaries! I had them too. He could only smoke in places it didn't bother me. Never in the house or around me. He mostly smoked in the car and said it was because he was "bored". If I smelled the smoke in his clothes (of course I could) or his hair (ditto) or his breath or mouth (yup) I told him to leave me alone. That was my boundary. It bothered me to smell it at all. He started smoking in the service and finally quit when it wasn't worth it to him anymore.

I had a friend that got lung cancer directly from her years of smoking. I knew her well enough to be able to ask her "was the effect of the smoking over the years worth getting the cancer" and she said "yes". She would not have changed it even though she ended up with cancer that eventually killed her. I have another friend that is still alive and still smoking. She quit drinking after a DUI (she knew she was blacking out every time she drank), but she said she will quit smoking when she has a heart attack. That is what made her mom quit smoking too, so she thinks that is a goal. Both of them sound crazy to me, but that is what addiction is.

So whatever your addict says that sounds wacky to you? Don't be astonished. It is the truth to them. The truth as they know it.

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't think smoking is personally the lesser of two evils. I do know that many many people switch addictions. I did read recently that few if any people who smoke are dabbling, so many are hooked on the nicotine.

I can understand the revulsion and anger. I have dated and lived with a few smokers and I'm adamant I will not cross that line again. I have asthma and its is health issue for me now. Funny thing was I had to get asthma before I was willing to set the boundary.

Alcoholics Anonymous was for years knowing as a place heavy with smoke and where addicts/alcoholics ate coffee and sweets, donuts and so forth.

Nowadays meetings are smoke free for the most part (maybe in one or two countries they aren't). Denial is prevalent on so many levels.

The issue for me has become how far am I willing to take my boundaries. I have a real strong boundary around drinking (which I tested recently and found it was necessary once again) and smoking.

When I have a really strong reaction to something I have to work on getting things into perspective. Generally I can't set a boundary around a strong reaction I have to be in a centered place to do it.

I have never found an addict/alcoholic who was able to control their habits around any of my strong reactions. Sometimes when I implemented a program that affected them but generally I had absolutely no control over whether they used or not.

maresie.

Lost survivor · Member

The hardest part for me is that I can't stop thinking that he started just because he knew I detested it. A way to tell me he doesn't like me. He did it to hurt me. I lived with a chain smoking mother all my life and he knows how I feel about it (he has known the entire 21 years we have been together and I laid down that boundary when we were dating) and he still chose (yes he made the choice) to sneak and start smoking. It is like the drinking all over...he would go out in the garage and drink. It started out as binging and partying with his guy friends and then it led to drinking all the time (I had no idea) sneaking in the garage. Drinking when he was home and i ws out of town. He had a gastric bypass procedure 8 years ago, which has been linked to a higher incidence of alcoholism. The only thing that made him hit the bottom is when I came home and he was passed out on the couch and our 8 mo old daughter was in our bedroom on our bed crying bloody murder. She could have fallen out of the bed or anything else.
I really don't accept that there is an excuse for the smoking. I know that alcoholics struggle with their addiction, so why would my AH, when doing so well (2yrs sober with no relapse) make that choice and give in to it? It is not a lesser evil and he knows how I feel. It doesn't accidently happen. He had to go to the store and buy the cigarettes and then sneak them. It's not like he's drinking at a party or socially drinking and he becomes an alcoholic. He chose it, went out of his way, and lied to me and our children! I am trying very hard to focus on me and not the smoking, but every time I smell it on him I am disgusted and take it as a personal message of dislike towards me from him.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Lost Survivor

I believe that smoking is the lesser of two addiction. A smoker's addiction to smoking cigs does not bring financial ruin to families nor cause behavior changes so radical that the police become involved. People rarely loose their jobs because of smoking and although it is unacceptable to you and in your home there are many who enjoy the activity

. He may very well be smoking as a rebellion against rules. It is after all his home too and he is an adult.

Alanon taught me to " QTIP" " Quit taking it personally even if my name was written on the message"

Focus on yourself and know that people do things for many reasons. They have different political beliefs and like different movies. We are charged with checking our own motives to mane sure we are acting according to our principles . That is the best we can do since we are powerless over anyone but ourselves.

Working the Steps on this issue would be a big help.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.