Hi Annette, we have alot in common

I found out my husband was using opiates too and he fooled me good for a long while. My whole world crumbled around me. At first I took it personally and as if he did not love me.. hes a liar so what else dont I know. As time went on, however, I came to believe that he is truly an addict and it is truly a disease just like alcoholism.. just like tubersulosis... my husband told me he was an addict but i did not realize that that meant he should not drink either. we would drink togetehr. this was before he relapsed on oxies... once he was using again (behind my back) he stopped drinking almost entirely.. i thought he was just sick of partying since i was too.. later i found out its because he was getting high every day. i dont think people on opiates drink so much.. first off its very dangerous to do so.. but anyway... i want you to know that i was lied to, manipulated, and fooled as my husband spent all our hard earned money on dope. He will substitute one addiction for another, my husband.. if he wasnt drinking then he switched to opiates again.. but his choices of drug is oxies.. he did heroin frequently also. He snorted it. addiction is progressive and it just gets worse and worse without recovery. He is now aware that he can not drink either. He is in AA and NA, outpatient therapy and working the steps. Im happy to see that he is really figuring this recovery stuff out. But what I have learned is that it is up to him.. the more I let go the more my husband takes care of himself.

the blessing in disguise, for me, was i realize my HP used what he could to get me to have a relationship with him. You have saught out the right place in al-anon. I recommend you get to a f2f meeting. I started going to meetings and got a sponsor and started working the steps quickly. I, too, was very embarrased.. i had to grieve what I thought i had, the life i thought i had.. for sure. it took time to understand things would be entirely different than I thought. He would be going to meetings, I would be going to meeting.. we wont be out on New Years Eve toasting with our other friends.. but, what I discovered is that sometimes God doesnt give you what you want, but what you need.. and life.. is atcually better. Now I can separate my being from my husband's. He is his own person. His HP loves him more than I ever could and believe it or not.. he is in good hands. I can let go of the embarrassment because what others think is their business now and he makes his own choices and rightfully so gets his own set of consequences. Al-Anon has absolutely saved my life.. and it works if you work it. YOURE WORTH IT.

Now I can say that my husband's relapse, lies, and trickery were not a personal attack on me, they actually had NOTHING to do with me and all to do with him and his feelings, his insides, his demons. I know he loves me, I know he would never, in his right mind, hurt me. I am so grateful I found al-anon because within al-anon i found peace, serenity, and hope.

There is hope for you. Youre in the right place. meetings, literature, these boards. People care and can relate. Keep coming back.

Hugs! It is heart wrenching to come to the realization that we have been lied to at this magnitude. It is hard to even wrap our minds around at first--I understand. Like Michelle said, for me--once I accepted that my husband's lies and insane extremes he would go through to hide his drinking was actually not to hurt me, it lifted a huge weight off of me, and I actually became compassionate.

OK, so this took a long long time and it was hard work on my part and I am still not perfect at it, but it has made a world of difference on how *I* feel. At the beginning though, being mentally exhausted and emotionally broken--the only thing that saved me was going to meetings. I went 4 days/week for 4 months! After about 5 months (and he was about 5 months out of rehab) I caught him red-handed with his face in a bag of spray paint (aka huffing) in the backyard in the middle of the day. Shocked does not even begin to describe what I felt!! At that point it really hit me--this guy is SICK and he doesn't love himself...he would do anything to get high and that was the first time I applied the Al-Anon principles and practices and it got me through it.

You have come to the right place and please keep coming back, especially if you cannot go to a meeting right now. It sounds like your husband is trying to get help and that is positive. Right now is a time for you to focus on what you need though. Yes, the 3 C's can really really help. Best wishes for some peace.

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I will try to find support through meetings or a counselor. The 3 C's sound good. I know I didn't cause it and he's not blaming me either. He says he takes full responsibility for letting it go so far. I choose to believe it was only pills because it started as legitimate pain and an Rx. I also know I can't control it - that's what's got me so scared. The third one will be tough for me because I feel that if I do the right thing or say the right thing, he'll see what he needs to see in order to get fully clean. I know that's not really true, but there's a world of difference between knowing and believing. I am also really scared that I won't be able to love him like I always have and where would that leave me without my best friend? I'm terrified we're about to get on a cycle that will ruin us. I can't raise our daughter in that kind of life but how will I know if I should leave when he's so good at hiding it? I printed out a list of NA meetings and got a number of a counselor in our area. I'll give them to him and see what he chooses to do. Thanks again for listening and responding.