question about depression and meds - Al-Anon Family Group

serenityseeker1 · Member

question about depression and meds

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm glad you're here. People have different ideas about anti-depressants. My own feeling is that sometimes depression makes people so stuck and hopeless-feeling that they need a boost to get them to start working on things again. I know a number of people who say anti-depressants were absolutely vital to them in their struggle with depression. My understanding is that most therapists regard them as a help in the person's battle, probably not as the whole arsenal.

My own worry here would be whether your BF is taking anti-depressants that can be dangerous when mixed with alcohol. Many alcoholics don't tell the whole truth about their alcohol use, and so doctors believe them when they say, "Sure, I won't mix them." (And I've known one doctor who was told outright by the A that he drank too much, and just said, "Well, don't mix this with alcohol" -- many doctors just do not understand that compulsive drinking is indeed compulsive.) And if he might be tempted to take too many anti-depressants, that would also be a worry. I guess if I thought physical harm were a possibility, I'd try to warn the doctor (I don't know whether he'd listen, though.)

Apart from that, the unfortunate thing is that we can't control our A's lives. He has all the information he needs to know what to take and whether to drink. Whether he acts on that is up to him. As the Al-Anon saying is, "He's going to do what he's going to do, what are you going to do?" Our own recovery is the recovery we can control. And that makes all the difference. Hugs.

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

My first reaction was to post how much I loathe antidepressants, and that docs are way too cavalier about prescribing them...some of them alter brain chemistry permanently.

BUT NO. That is my codependent self talking, I immediately jump to fixing!

It is up to the person taking the meds (in your case your bf) to 1) be informed about the drugs and their effects both positive and negative 2) be aware of how these may impact recovery and addiction and 3) how difficult going off them may be if he ever chooses to (some of them have very MEAN withdrawal symptoms).

If he chooses to not do these things and just take his meds without being informed or take them not as prescribed, that too, is his deal. You cannot control it....(or cure it, and you didn't cause it).

As we say here...we can take care of our side of the street...but what he does on his side of the street is his business.

the real question is, what are you going to do to take care of YOU?

sending you all kinds of love and support...and KNOW that we are all fellow travelers on this road...

all best,

K.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Your fears have merit; it sounds like your abf has confusion from the disease and may have difficulty being honest with himself and you. I understand you don't feel like you have all the information and it's difficult to discern the truth.

I understand your concerns and I used to think like that, but have since changed my perspective. I'm now of the opinion that, for a defined amount of time, mood levelers can assist an addict to have more stability when carefully monitored by their doctor. It is possible that the doctor would need to occasionally alter the dose- walking around too spacey isn't good.

When my exAH had informed me he was prescribed anti-anxiety medicine, I saw he was nervous and ashamed about it... he also blamed me for needing them... but the medicine doesn't provide healthy thinking and good judgement... They did help him stay on track at work and he weaned off of them after a year.

Maresie is right. I couldn't control what my exHA was prescribed or not prescribed or whatever came from it. My sponsor told me that it wasn't my business and to focus on myself.

I know this is difficult- I hope this helps.

serenityseeker1 · Member

Thank you for your much needed views and experiences. This to me was just one more thing that seemed to top me over. Because it was his behaviours around this the sneaking around and the lies, I question his motives and don't feel he is being totally honest with himself or me. When he did admit it after all the lies and arguments he then blamed me for him having to be on them? Which I thought was incredible, and even his mother has said the sme kind of things but not in those words. Again I shut down, I feel like I'm turning into the hardest person and not showing him any compassion but to be honest I feel with him, after all the lies I am to scared to let my guard down and feel like I have to be one step ahead of him, which is horrible and far to exhausting. I love coming here and being able to share and also read others shares because it is constantly reminding me what I have to do for myself. I have not been taking care of myself and doing the appropiate simple things in order to help myself, like not eating, sleeping and obssesing over him and all the while blaming him for me becoming quite run down from all this. When really it is my responsibility to do these things to myself, I really don't know much about these tablets but I have always been against anything like this, especially with regards to my abf. I am off to my first f2f meeting on monday eve. As I feel I'm becoming worse than him if that makes sense. He is now saying he will only be on these for a few months or until at least his doc says so, and he is going to be off the other meds. By feb. Where he then is going to attend some meetings for himself and not for me, which I think is great. But I have come to a place where his words don't mean anything anymore to me, we will have to see by his actions. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. I just don't know, but I do need to get some help for myself. The last thing I want is to be ending up like the way I have been acting a complete nervous wreck, and so angry all the time with so many resentments its eating me up, its bringing out the worst side in me that even I didn't realise was there. I have been stuck like this for the longest time but the blame I keep putting on him is not helping me is it? And I feel keeping me stuck. Oh I don't know, a phrase I keep seem to be saying just lately. Many many thanks again for your help. Much love.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Serenity,

People can see the significant other far before they see that there is an addiction problem with the other party. It's a tangled web to say the least. We buy into the whole you are crazy, or it's your fault.

The whole "this is your fault" deflection from the primary issue, which is they have an issue. When the fingers start pointing now in ANY of my own life situations I can see that there are three fingers pointing back at the other person and that's when I know it's deflection from a real issue. I also apply that rule of thumb (or fingers .. lol) to myself. If I find myself overtly focusing or obsessing about someone else then it's a good time to take a step back and see what's going on with me.

For me, .. when I stopped doing the same thing and started doing differently which was taking care of me and my side of the street (my stuff) things changed it is the ripple effect. Nothing changes .. hey .. nothing changes. When a pebble is dropped in still water and all of those ripples go out, .. everything changes .. sometimes in big ways and sometimes in just little ways .. however it changes.

When the focus came back to me I had many things gained from it, I saw how insane the situation in my home had become, I neglected my kids, myself, my house, family, friends AND my spouse. That lightening bolt of realization .. ok .. not so much fun .. lol .. however all of a sudden I had the energy to do the things I had lacked, now it's not all sunshine, rainbows and flowers .. it IS better. I know I feel better and it's a healthy this is about me. I also know my decision making is soooo much better because I'm not having knee jerk reactions to things. I can stop, sit back and what do you know .. sometimes situations just resolve themselves and I don't have to be involved in them.

You are right in the statement that you are becoming worse than him because that is the evolution of the disease in the house with no support, it consumes everyone in it's path not just the addict. I encourage you to put the focus on you (which you are doing) the answers that you are seeking will become clearer and they will becomes that you are guided by your higher power, whatever your understanding of a higher power is. We are powerless over other people, places, and things. We do have the power to change ourselves and that's a really awesome place to start.

Hugs, keep coming back and keep taking things one day at a time, I hope you enjoy your meeting! P :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome SS. I sortof remember being in your shoes. I thought I needed to be one step ahead too. But the truth is it's impossible to be that with a disease, an incurable one at that.

When I learned, from being here many, many years, was that his stuff is not mine. It's none of my business. It became very simple.

If I want to live with someone or be someones friend, then it is up to me to accept them as is, give them the dignity of making their own decisions with out anything from me. I will even say to someone hey it's none of my business if they say anything about their disease.

I know if anyone was on me about my meds, or my health or anything, I would be very put off.Its up to me to take care of me, I am an adult.

As far as meds, again his business, but if you are curious about them for your interest, search them online. Or ask like you did here. I am sooo glad for your honesty and willingness to share.

I think it is Rehaf? who shared how they alter our bodies. All meds do this. More receptors are made, that is why we need more drugs to get the same effects.

I cannot get off effexor. physically impossible.

Its a hard concept but he has a disease, not his fault, not personal. He lies becuz he is an addict, addicts lie, its a symptom of the disease. They absolutely believe their lies. scarey eh?

My thing is we accept and love them as is and learn the Al anon tools. Or we leave or they leave or we end the friendship. or we stay and do the same thing and be miserable. I chose the first one and never regretted it.

In fact it taught me to be like this with everyone. Just lovem as is, if I cannot then I remove myself as it is not my job to tell them what to do, plus I can only control me anyway.

You will love Al Anon! Did anyone recommend the book,"Getting Them Sober?" Toby Rice Drew. GREAT volume one.

Again welcome and many hugs,debilyn

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