Son declared himself an alcaholic and I don't know how to handle - Al-Anon Family Group

droth · Member

Son declared himself an alcaholic and I don't know how to handle

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

First I would suggest you find Al-Anon meetings for yourself , you need support from people who have been where your at . We are enablers we lie for them , we cover up thier mistakes , we believe the lies , we pay thier bills we cover bad checks , and nothing changes , the alcoholic is not going to change until we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves , Your son has broken the boundaries you set for your home , what to do about that is your choice.. no one can tell you what to do . until he is allowed to face the concequences of the choices he makes there is no reason for him to change. I am thinking of you tonite .. Louise

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Droth...Welcome to the board and I pray you stick around and listen to all of the Experience Strength and Hope that comes up the line. ESH...

Abby said much and I'll add my suggestions. The picture you paint of your son...2 jobs, suit, and such needs to have the "and" attached to it..."and" he has trouble with alcohol most likely as he admits that he is alcoholic...meaning that he suffers from a disease of compulsion of the mind and allergy and is fatal if not arrested by total abstinence.

Normal for alcoholism is abnormal, crazy, insane, out of control, and doing the things necessary to keep it that way. The disease will use you and your husband against yourselves and each other when it can if it hasn't done so already, part of that is how Abby mentioned in being responsible for them when they are not being responsible for themselves and to being alcohol free and sober.

I know what worked for me and as Abby also mentioned...find Al-Anon for yourself...Al-Anon hotline number in the white pages of your local telephone book. Call that number and find the places and times we get to gether in face to face support meeting in your area. Keep coming back here too.

(((((hugs))))) smile

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

along the lines with Jerry -- beware this addiction! it will use everything it can to keep itself alive -- especially your love and fear for your son.

one thing that happened to me is that I would make rules for my AH and then not stick to them -- the big rule was -- if you drink I will make you leave. Then I couldn't stick to it...he drank..but then he would deny the drinking, question my sanity, threaten to leave me and kidnap the kids etc etc....but THAT was not him, that was the addiction being threatened and responding in kind.

I had to decide 1) what I would and would not do, 2) what I would have in my home and what I would not, and the hard part 3) stick quietly, calmly, and firmly to those boundaries.

This is SO hard, but if you keep "saving" him from consequences, you are robbing him of opportunity to learn from his mistakes.

sending LOTS of support, keep coming back! This board has been a tremendous help to me, hope you can find some wisdom and solace here as well...

K.

danni · Senior Member

Welcome! I am so glad you are here. Al Anon meetings helped me so much dealing with an active AH (we have 2 small children). I was doing a lot of things that I thought were helpful and other things out of anger. I realized, after attending meetings for a while, that these things were making things worse, and I was becoming miserable. You deserve the support that is available to you and your husband. I am glad that your son reached out for help, despite the fact that he is struggling now. He knew, at least for that day, that he has a problem, and that is the basis for the beginning of recovery. Sending you a tremendous amount of support. Keep coming back!

droth · Member

I read each of your responses and I cannot tell you how much it helps me to feel some sort of clarity, as well as bringing tears to my eyes. Yes, it has taken a tremendous toll on my marriage - to the point of divorce voiced. We have an 11 & 8 1/2 year old as well and I do not want my family broken apart. I want all 5 of us to be here for each other, as a family. That's the hardest part, because my son is the 5th person and I don't want to lose him by any means!!

My son, as of yesterday, has defaulted on his federal student loans which I can no longer save him from (in the past I've bailed him out by agreeing to pay for 1/2 the monthly). I'm devestated that he will now be dramatically challenged even more in his life, finding peace & resolution, more than ever and that terrifies me. He doesn't deserve any of this, but please don't get me wrong, I understand I cannot do it for him...

I realize I need to attend metings as well...and will do so withing the next few days. I am thankful this is avaliable too being that time and 'sitters' are not always available.

Thank you for sharing your strength and guidance.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Droth,

Hugs and it really does get better. My heart goes out to you in this difficult time and situation. Trust me when I say an hour out of a day once a week is worth every min and everything that gets put on hold for that time. There is usually an alanon hotline in the area call that number and find out what sitters are available at the meetings. My daughter is almost 13 and she is a sitter at my home meeting. She loves it and is always appreciative of the kids who come with their parent/s. So don't let that be a reason for not going. The sitters are located on the premisses in our case it's literally 6 rooms down from our meeting and the kids have a good time.

Hugs P :)

droth · Member

very helpful to know...thank you so much. i would love it if my spouse and i had the opportuity to attend together.

while my 2 young ones know there's been something happening with their big brother; that we moved him back home last Oct., and that he's now been asked to make other residential arrangements (errrr, 'kicked out' by my spouse). they do not know he's an alcoholic (they don't know what that is...). when he's relapsed (drank) in the house he's kept to himself, downstairs, in our music room - composing - isolating himself. he would join us at the dinner table sober, play some ball with his little brothers sober, etc.

-- Edited by droth on Friday 30th of December 2011 05:37:13 PM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

droth we do have husband wife members in our program locally and they work hard at getting the program both individually and as a couple. My wife and I attend the same meetings often and work our own personal programs.

Try it for a while. If he doesn't want to...then go for yourself. (((hugs))) smile

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You said he doesn't deserve any of this? I say he deserves the consequences for his own actions and will not learn otherwise. He is grown. You did your job and as hard as it is, letting him sink or swim is the answer. My standard response is that you can only help someone when they are helping themselves. You agreed to help him recover not to help him relapse.

The jobs will be the next thing to go if he doesn't learn to be responsible for himself. I started getting sober at 36. It was painful. I wish I had grown up 10 years earlier and learned to take some responsibility.

There is no 1 right thing to do and you have to be true to yourself. Alanon will help you cope with the anxiety and fears you have for him and your family.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

You sound like a very loving family. Your son is fortunate.

We as parents believe we nurture our kids, give them shelter, feed them, take care of them.

Its so HARD to push them out, but honestly, especially with boys we have to.

He does not know if is is an addict or not. I have seen so many at this age turn around. He is still playing.

He is also reverting back into a kid. His loans, his car whatever are HIS to take care of. How will he learn anything if we do it all. It's hard when they leave. ugh. Been there twice. I always share I asked my two kids when they were coming home until they were 30!

I showed my adult boy at 22 the door,lovingly. Then cried for weeks, months.

Like I just told someone else, when we say, ok we have faith in you, we know you can do it, we need you to find your own place to go. We do our adult children NO favors allowing them to live with us. Plus the behavior tears up everyone else.

He can only learn by his own mistakes. Hey if he gets into a wreck, very likely and gets sued YOU can lose everything. My mothers friend was a deputy sheriff, her daughters boyfriend was driving moms car without permission caused a huge problem. SHE lost her license!!!

I am sharing that experience before you lose your house!! His loans, they can be deferred for years. But again that is his problem. Hoping you did not sign for them.

You have every right to be scared! This possibility of him having the disease of addiction is hard to face. But the earlier we say NO, you figure it out the better!

Sending you lots of prayers and love. He is worth so very much and deserves the chance to get out there and figure it out for himself!

love,debilyn

droth · Member

I NEED to hear (read) all of this, and I thank you all sooo much for your wisdom, encouragement and wonderfully articulated insight...each perspective is tapping in to so many feelings, fears, emotions, concerns and HOPE. Thank you.

I guess I liken it to if anyone is sick in my family, I support them as they get through it compassionately...that's my default as I know no different (I've never had anybody in my family dealing with addiction [and no, I'm not living under a rock smile ]). Cancer, yes. Heart disease, yes. Diabetes, yes. Alcohol abuse/dependency, no.

There's nothing more that I wish for him than to be healthy, and self-reliant.

I recognize it's doable, and done successfully by many, but how does one show their loved one (26th bday today) the door 'lovingly'???

-- Edited by droth on Friday 30th of December 2011 10:21:52 PM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

"I love you honey, but you have to make it on your own. This is so hard for me because I keep thinking I can help you be self-reliant and make the right decisions, but you have to learn from your own mistakes. I love you and I know that life will hand you some hard knocks. I also believe in you and if I keep stepping in and trying to solve your problems, I am stopping you from living YOUR life. This is so hard for me, but I need you to go out on your own and show me that you can handle life." Next you set a deadline of 1 month for him to find a place to live and then you stick to that.

That's just an example and I wouldn't presume to put words in your mouth but that is about what comes to me...It will be a gut wrenching conversation however you go about it.

droth · Member

That was SO helpful... and, yes, I can feel it now (falling apart as I write)! Thank you so much.

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