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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> When you feel you can't get away from addiction...
Post Info TOPIC: When you feel you can't get away from addiction...
LostMama31


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When you feel you can't get away from addiction...
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I need to vent. As most know, I'm separated from my AH. I came home to my parent's house for a while while my AH tries to get his life in order. Now, I'm dealing with my dad all over again. He is a recovering A and has been sober from alcohol for 17 years. But being sober from other means, he has failed. If it's not been pot, it's been his anxiety medication. Lately, he's been acting odd. Talking slow, walking slow, saying odd things during dinner conversation, etc. I just feel I can't get away from it, not to mention how it hurts my mom. It just breaks my heart to see her get upset over this. She suffered a brain aneurysm last January (Jan 4 will mark a year). While she regained most of her mobility and speech, she is slow at getting out what she wants to say because she can't think of the right word(s) and in some ways she's just different than she used to be. I guess when I look at her, the best word to describe it is fragile. So, to see her get upset over my dad, angers me and hurts me. He claims my mom comes first in his life. If that were true, he wouldn't do this to her. I know he has to want to fix himself first but I believe he thinks as long as he isn't drinking, whatever he's doing is ok. Yesterday, while I was at the gym, my mom asked my dad to stop going out so much because when he goes out, he's gone between 1-2 hours, a couple times a day and no one knows what he's up to. He got angry with her and went to bed at 6:30 and still hasn't talked to her today. I just hate it. How can you claim someone is first in your life and they mean everything to you, yet, go off and do something that makes you act strange and give the silent treatment when confronted? I know the power of addiction can really take a strong hold on someone but I still wish if you really don't want to hurt those who matter most to you, you would do what it took to remain sober, in every shape of the word!

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sookie


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(HUGS) IS there any way you can go to a face to face meeting (and maybe even your mom could go)? It sounds like it could give you some much needed support. You are dealing with A LOT and then to go home and see your parents in this state is a lot to handle. Sending you prayers for some peace. Be gentle on yourself and on your parents, too. This is truly a family disease and it often makes no sense. Your dad is an addict, so it is hard to expect healthy behavior from him. I have also been baffled by the same things are saying in terms of my own husband with regards to me and my kids. How can you love us and turn around and do this or that. He can do that because he is an addict, and that is part of the disease. And how sick am I as a result, right? That's why I am here...and i am grateful for that too.

First take care of you and your emotional and physical needs right now (good for you for going to the gym by the way!!) and maybe your HP will give you some guidance. Easy does it. The Serenity Prayer may offer help, too...I hope you can get to a meeting.

(HUGS)

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Grace7


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I agree with sookie. A meeting and getting some support along with some sanity would be good for you! I too left my AH years ago, went to my parents until I got everything figured out. I myself divorced and boy oh boy. Those family entrapments with this is thick and incredibly hard to navigate. My ONLY sanity was AL-Anon. Parents were the best of enablers and that was draining for me! Still is after all those years. Reality is, nothing I can do will "change" them...they have been entrapped in this merry go round for generations. Even with having the knowledge of isms and addictions.

The meeting tonight was on Step 11. A Great one for you in your navigation and in seeking answers. Best to you!



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LostMama31


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I've been to f2f meetings but I had to miss the one this week because we were coming back from being out of town for the holidays. Hoping to make it next week.

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Mattie


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I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I'd guess that what you're seeing is the power of addiction.  Who knows what his substance of choice is, but it sure sounds as if something bad is up.  But what sane person would choose this life?  The addiction has him in its grip.  You are perfectly right that no sane person would act this way if he meant to put your mother first.  But he is not sane.  It sounds to me as if all of you could use a lot of support.  I'm glad you have some meetings to get to.  I hope your mother has support for her frailty (medical and emotional support from people outside the family, because I'm sure you all have been giving a lot of support over the past year).  And I'm glad you came here for support too.  It's so hard.  Keep on taking good care of yourself.



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Debilyn


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Sweetheart Mattie is right on. This has nothing to do with what he says, it has to do with he is very sick. He cannot just stop becuz he loves her, no one can.

As humans we have to do things for ourselves to make it work. It has to be so horribly hard.

I am sure your mom is so afraid, maybe you can help her and you to understand he has a disease no one can control but him IF he is ready.

Its nothing about her or you. I am older, disabled and I tell you it is scarey to think about being alone when you need your spouse at this age. If you can reassure her that you will always be there for her, that would be so so helpful to her. If she has friends, maybe they need to come over and offer some support. I have two friends that do that for me

They gang up on me too! lol but your dads thing is his. I know the best way for me is to just love him. And help mom.

hugs, please keep sharing, debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
pinkchip


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The only thing I have to add to this is that whenever people say another person comes first in their life, they are lying. Everyone looks out for #1 first. That is actually healthy and appropriate for most relationships, but addicts and alcoholics put themselves first to the degree that they become incredibly selfish rather than the healthy version of putting yourself first which is self-care. So it sounds like the person that comes first in your dad's life is....your dad.....and it's not in a good way.

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LostMama31


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He goes through stages...some days he's fine and we don't notice his strange behavior. Other days, I just have to stay away from him because it makes me so angry. I know it's up to him but I guess the other thing that bothers me is his anger toward my AH for his behavior but doesn't take his own inventory. We all have things we could change but my dad has a bad habit of, if someone wrongs him in any way, shape, form, they are nothing to him and the word "forgiveness" I don't think he knows the meaning or cares to.

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