AH visiting children - Al-Anon Family Group

ttpurtee · Veteran Member

AH visiting children

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

This is an awful situation!

A friend of mine was asked by a judge why she EVER let her kids go with her husband if she knew he was using drugs...she did let them go while they were separated, and then during the divorce she brought it up...and they accused her of making it up..because she had previously let the kids go with him.

Every time my kids (9 and 15) go with their A dad I am on edge. Right now he is living with his sister, and she assures me that she won't let him drive them if he is drunk...yet often his BAC is high, and his behavior doesn't show it...so I still worry.

I bought a breathalyzer so that if he shows up to pick up the kids and was acting suspicious, I will have him blow in it before I let the kids go with him...I haven't had to do that yet...but that is my responsibility as a mom. If he refused...automatic NO go in terms of the kids going with him...and I call 911. Problem is, if he is using pain pills..I have no way to verify he is impaired...

Both my kids have cell phones and know to call me and I will get them, no questions asked, if they don't feel safe...and my 15 year old knows what to look for.

If I were you I would contact a lawyer in your state ASAP about not only your parental rights, but responsibilities where it comes to keeping your kids safe...because if you don't..it may be used against you in the future.

hope this helps...

nyc018 · Senior Member

Hi ttpurtee,
I know we're not supposed to give advice - however this is a matter that deals with your kids' safety. My ESH and instinct as a mom, and given your AH's history, would be to 100% agree with you not to let him have unsupervised visits. I'm sure he loves his kids and wouldn't do any intentional harm, but as the way you describe your H, he could be a loose cannon. People under the influence cannot be trusted with anything - let alone children. So I'm totally with you on your decision. I'm not sure that could be taken away from you if he was drinking around them, but it's definitely reckless endangerment on his part and a situation one is best off not getting into.
Sending you support! nyc

sookie · Senior Member

Sending you support. Yes--I have also dealt with this (my AH endangering our kids--it SUCKS). I leave him alone with my kids while I go to Al-Anon meetings for an hour or so twice/week and occasionally he stays home with them during the day when they are sick, but I am also absolutely 100% sure he is sober at the time. It has been this way for almost two years now. The one time I thought i trusted him enough to give him a chance, he got a DWI and the police had to pick up my daughter at kindergarten because he was in jail when she would have been getting off the bus (I was across the country at a conference for work) It was terribly traumatic for me, dealing with the guilt of having trusted him with them, and unfortunately not even the last time he did something that potentially could have been disasterous with them

So now, I will definitely NOT ever leave him overnight with them and sometimes, I am freaked out to leave him with them for a few hours even. It is gut wrenching and emotionally hard for him to know he cannot be trusted, but the kids come first. It baffles me that he would trust himself really given he does relapse (although he is genuinely trying to be sober now)...but that is how he feels. I have also been suspicious of pills, etc and other things not so easily detected.

Good luck--I agree to go talk to a lawyer and stand by this decision for the sake of those kids! HUGS and support--I know this is so hard.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

You have done the right thing , protect your children . Supervised visits are acceptable . You cannot trust a practicing alcoholic with children they drink even when they don't want to this disease just dosent care .. our kids deserve one sane parent , do what you have to do to keep them safe . Louise

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate and of course you are to blame for not letting him put your kids in danger, makes sense to his irrational brain. My children do not go with my exAH if he is drinking that day, he knows and signed an agreement. If my 13 year old or I even think it has occurred she would call me and I would come get them, I have it worked out and boundaries in place. I am all about protecting my children and I have had to talk to him about not drinking and driving even just to pick up our oldest and run her from school and to guitar, soccer, basketball or anywhere. I have it in writing that he will not be under the influence of any drugs or alcohol while he has our children and signed by him, so that if he breaks it I can legally have the police take my children out and to me. My exAH walks the line so far that I can tell and when and if it changes he will no longer get them at all unsupervised. I am sending you love and support on your journey!

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