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I have been dating a "great guy" on and off for 5 years. He is 63 and I am 54. On when he is nice, and off when has pissed me off so much I want to kill him! He claims to love me...he can be SO sweet...but on a dime he changes! He has been sober for over 20 years, and goes to at least 2 meeting a week. Isn't that enough time to gain his balence back? The people that know him from the meetings love his inspirational words. The people where he works love everything about him. Sometimes I do too...until he gets on a tirade about all my faults and makes me feel like total crap. We spent a wonderful Xmas Eve with his family. On Xmas day he was pissed that I had no bread in the house, so he went out to eat. Didn't wish me a Merry Xmas. No hugs or kisses. No love whatsoever. I took my grandfather to church, then came home and cooked breakfast for my son and I. Of course, he was not hungry...but he was still angry. Over bread??? He has a ton of money, but never spends it. His gift to me was cheap gold plated jewelry with fake diamonds. Am I wrong to be upset? If you are to buy jewelry for the woman you love...either do it right or don't do it at all! I mailed it back to him today. Not because I was offended by the cheap gift (which I was) but because he ruined Xmas for me. He was miserable to me all day long. The only time he is nice to me is when I am feeding him, or 'xxxx' him. That says it all in a nutshell, doesn't it? Why am I such a sucker? (No pun intended!) I just don't understand why he is so mean to me when I try to be so nice to him?
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 27th of December 2011 07:28:05 PM
-- Edited by canadianguy on Tuesday 27th of December 2011 11:17:56 PM
I recognized so much of my ex ABF in your post that I can well imagine some woman that he is dating 14 years from now (he is 49) writing the same words about him.
He too can quote AA literature chapter and verse and is well versed in program lingo... but I don't think he has taken it to heart, really worked it from a place of deep humility within. He got disproportionately angry over small, sometimes imagined slights. I often saw him take something innocuous that I'd said and twist the meaning so that it reflected negatively on him. When he got angry he lashed out with verbal abuse; I've been called "neurotic", "deranged", "f'ed up" then when he cooled off and said he was sorry, I was supposed to forget it ever happened.
At least you got jewelry -- on my last birthday I got three chocolate bars.
Just because someone is sober and attending meetings doesn't mean they are working a program of recovery.
The good news is that you can find help and support for yourself in Al-Anon. Ultimately, having my own program of recovery gave me the strength to walk away from an unhealthy relationship.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Sooo sorry to be saying this cause I am also a double....and often the most important part of AA is being dry which for me isn't near being sober. There are "talkers" and there are "walkers" I hang with the walkers. I stopped drinking and went alcohol free after I got into Al-Anon and also knew at 9 years that Al-Anon wasn't about keeping me dry. It is about serenity inspite of sobriety. I've had a few fellows in AA mention that they'd like to have what I have and when I ask them what they think that is they mention "you are sooo serene. Little bothers you"...LOL I tell them that I didn't get that part of my recovery in AA.
Stick with your program and remember there is no justification (Excuse) for abuse. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
As many have for me, I would encourage you to attend Alanon meetings, get a sponsor, and read all you can about the disease. "Getting Them Sober", authored by Toby Rice is a quick read and was very helpful.
Welcome Wahsali, and thank you for your post! I was going to ask something similiar, but now I recognize so much of my experience in what you just said.
My [ recent ] ex RA had 7 yrs sober and finally now I know there is a difference between "talkers" and "walkers"! I am so grateful he was not drinking, but the fact that he was not, I think, made me very confused along the old lines of ...am I crazy?! Or is he crazy? Both? As there was hardly anything literal I could point my finger at. This also made it easier for him - and me! - to point the finger at me for all relationship snafus. It wasn't after a lot of skulking around alanon and my ex literally acting like he was hungover [ he took meds improperly ] that I put two and two together. I too heard a lot of good AA talk AND a lot of blame and verbal beratement. I'll be the first to admit that I've got my own side of the street to sweep up, but dealing with a dry "talker" can really be crazy making...
No one should have to absorb meanness, in whatever shape it arrives. Welcome and keep hanging around!
He may well be less insane and dysfunctional than when he was drinking, but that doesn't mean he knows how to be kind and healthy in a relationship. He never learned, and he probably saw the opposite in his own family, and he's probably purposely oblivious to his effects on other people ("If they feel like that, it's their own fault"). And by the time they get to age 63, they're often pretty resistant to suggestions as to how to be kinder and healthier ("You're just trying to control me.")
When I was last with someone like this, I got absorbed -- obsessed -- by how I could explain it to him so he would understand how he came across and want to change. When he was nice he was so nice that I wanted him to be nice all the time. But he wasn't interested in hearing it. And then I stayed around for the bad behavior. That was my own resistance to being healthier. Both of us stayed resistant to change until I was as miserable as I've ever been. That was a good deal of my part in it. I showed him that it was all right to treat me that way by sticking around. Anyway, that's my experience of it. It's hard. But everyone deserves to be treated kindly.
Hi Wahsali, I love what Jerry had to say and I am choosing to hang out with the walkers also! I too have seen some people in the program not working the program and I used to judge them, but now I see that they just aren't ready and I don't have to take it personally, nor do I want them as my sponsor. I have a great sponsor who helps me see reality through my spiraling obsessions when they hit and I am far better in my program without a relationship right now and I had to learn that the hard way. Until I am able to walk through my journey reaching my goals I won't bring in anymore distractions. I am sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
