The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Early December, I ended a relationship. The fact that he responded by wanting to take a break for a month is of little consolation. I started the grieving process and was doing ok. I had made the decision to feel the unpleasantness and pray that it would pass.
There was a shift this past week - like a switch had been turned on- and suddenly things became intensely painful. At first I thought it was the one step forward, two steps back phenonmenon.
Looking more deeply inward, it wasn't grief that was so gut-wrenching, it was obsessing. I had done so well until this point and thought my obsessing days were behind me- and they were- but more like a shadow than ancient history.
I'm shocked that the discomfort from grieving was nothing in comparision to the discomfort of my obsessing! It shows me another way that I needlessly put myself through obstacles and pain.
I called for help in breaking this down further because I don't want to get stuck obsessing. I was told that my mind will review the sequence, trying to play out something that I've been holding from my past. I'm heading in the direction of addressing the weaknesses in my self esteem.
I guess how this played out struck my triggers - betrayal, abandonment, feelings of being lonely and unworthy, etc. I'm hoping by my turning to address this now, I will be able to let go and celebrate my next steps.
Grateful to be here- open to self-esteem building suggestions. Thanks for listening.
The best way I have built my self esteem in the past and I'm revisiting these things now .. lol .. thank you alanon for reminding me once again what I paid a lot of money for. Positive affirmations and you are sooo going to laugh because it's the best way to do it is to put stickies on the bathroom mirror and say them outloud. If you live alone you won't have anyone staring at you like you have grown three heads .. lol. I even write things at least 3x in my journal .. I know sounds silly there is something about repeating something 3x though and for me hand to brain also reinforces what I'm trying to do. I picked 3 a week and focused on those. "I am a child of God (HP)" "I am unique and perfect in His (HP) image" "I only have to focus on this moment" There are no real rules in affirmations, something a New Age friend shared with me years ago was to stay away from the negatives such as "I will not obsess." for me that says "I will obsess" and since that's the opposite of what I want I would probably say "I will find something productive to do with my day." "My obsession will be of healing and faith." Again no rules just something I do for my own affirmations.
I do believe in the proverbial 1 step back and 3 steps forward, there is always a break through when those little slides happen so that is the good news and this will pass. You've got great awareness to see this as what it is and have a plan.
Sending love and support, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I agree with Pushka , positive affirmations have truly helped. I was also taught that self esteem can be built by doing esteem able actions. I also prepare a gratitude and asset list each day, and I review my day in my journal each evening. I make note all the positive actions that I have taken ( my version of a tenth step}. These small steps have restored my self esteem.
The serenity prayer and the slogans also helped me in the grieving process.
I've been obsessing too -- found this on the CODA board...lots of good info on relationships there including this, which really helped me:
"For me a separation from anyone is difficult even if it to protect or take care of yourself. I can not keep everyone in my life as not every person is safe for me. Once I share that hope, caring, and intimacy with someone and consider a future with them, it obviously creates an even tighter bond than just a friend or acquaintance. Losing that, regardless of the reason or who made the decision, is difficult. I feel like I failed, and I do have ownership of some things that lead to a relationship ending. But it is "we" failed, "it" failed ... and I need to accept that it is the way it is supposed to be and best for me and there were two people involved and responsible. I need to find the lessons to be learned and where I can change to make the next relationship better. I also need to expect to grieve, regardless of how long or short the relationship was or why it did not work out. There is an empty space left there, wonderful things given and shared in the hope of a wonderful future. When the realization hits that this hope, this fantasy really isn't a reality ... it hurts. That hurt needs to be felt, processed, and walked through in order for me not to carry it with me in the future, into another relationship."
Aloha Bud...this was good lesson stuff for me when I went thru it also. I had separated from my alcoholic/addict wife and part of my obsessing was to date her best friend and haunt old places we use to haunt together and then one day I was told a story of a man who was separated from his own wife and was grieving himself and wanting to come back home. He went to her and told her how he was feeling and she replied..."I love you and I like having you here and I don't need you." That statement drove me away from the person who was telling it to me and I drove quickly away from that place and after about 5 blocks I had to pull over because my belief systems had been fractured. I sat in the car and thought about the statement along with one of the things I was currently learning in the program at that time also, "Self Love" and then it all made sense to me that when I love the person I am, the creation that my HP had put on the face of the earth in my life I didn't need to have someone else to love me so that I would feel complete.
When I got to understand this I also got to love my wife for exactly who she was and not need to have her as my wife to complete me. It was magic and love or being loving and loveable became a part of everyday character...personal character...It is also a God/HP character and the grieving and obsession left to never return.
Hi Bud ~ Thank you for sharing this. I'm dealing with grief over an ended relationship as well and wrestling with some of the same issues. I hope you will continue to post what you learn from the experience because I bet it would help others like me. I just wanted to send you a quick note of support. I know it must be really hard for you right now.
I find that I haven't been obsessing like I might have in the past, and am probably erring too far on the side of denial... as if I can just ignore the sadness. Well, that doesn't work either! I think it's good to strike the right balance of allowing yourself to grieve and also picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and carrying on.
I love the ESH you got here already. Easy does it... Be gentle with yourself... Be patient and keep working it.... So simple and so powerful! I truly believe that you will feel better with time and that you will gradually build that confidence you deserve!
I was told that building my self esteem would happen through small actions I take that honor myself and recognize my own value. It kind of seems silly sometimes, how small those actions can be. Sometimes it's just saying no thanks to an offer when I'd rather do something else, or simply stating what I'd rather have for dinner, or saying no when someone asks a favor that I just can't afford to do. The actions themselves are kind of small, but the message they send to myself is huge! I matter in my life now! What I want matters, what I feel matters. I still don't feel great about myself a lot of the time, but I honor myself now and I can tell that these little steps represent progress and there's more to come!
Wishing you well, Doozy
p.s. I have been reading some fabulous books. When I can, I will try to post the titles in case any of them might help you.
I just wanted to say in working the steps I see myself as a better person and I have slowed the self judgemental voice down towards others and myself. It is okay to be human and no I will never be perfect. Make a gratitiude list about yourself and see yourself with your HP's love if you can imagine it! The movie "Eat, Pray, Love" always puts me back in perspective, even though I am no Julia Roberts in the movie she is a mess and she learns to get out of her own way! I am sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
hi my abf is in recovery and has just sent methis text.
when we learn to like ourselves, when we do the things that boost our integrity and refrain from what damages it. te truth couldnt be plainer and neither could the implication. Any action we take no matter how small either adds to or diminishes our treasure. If we forget everything else we know about selfesteem, let us not forget that.... be kind to your self today hugs tracy xxxxxxx
So grateful for the different perspectives and visuals! Thank you, breaking free- I am in my own way and parked myself there!
I also love Tracy's abf's text, especially- ".....any action we take no matter how small either adds to or diminishes our treasure..." Well, I have to call myself out on that one! In attempts to not feel like a victim in a different current life situation, my ego has been wrestling with an injustice and rather than taking the docile higher road (which makes me feel like a doormat), I took out the boxing gloves knowing that I may also be crossing the line. I've noticed that, for myself, when I'm not practicing the Alanon principles and the 12 steps in one of my affairs, all my affairs also seem to take a hit. I'm not sure if that makes sense to anyone else.
Bud, .. that totally makes sense to me. I wind up trying to do what I used to do and as we know that doesn't work or I wouldn't be at alanon to begin with .. LOL.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
