"I hear babies cry, I watch them grow.  They'll learn much more than I'll ever know." -L. Armstrong.

I was posting on Very Very Tired's thread and then my post turned into a novel so I decided to just make my own topic about it because, I guess, I have alot on my mind.

Lately I have been waking up very happy. I am getting a cold but that is like cupcakes to what I have gone through the past year.  Its amazing how different my perspectives have turned.  The deepest pain and agony was the very blessing that has turned me into this compassionate, grateful person and for that, no longer mountains out of molehills does this child make.  At times I have moments of relapse.  I want to blame my AH for everything and then I catch myself "today he did not do anything to anger me, I am only fueling off past angers which will lead to resentments if I let them and resentment is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die."Sometimes I will begin some wallowing since financially we are in a very bad place, and then I think "I have food, gas to get to work, running water, and heat... how selfish am I to ask my HP for more, when some have so much less."

In the topic Lonliness by Very Very Tired people have given some amazing ESH.  What Jen said really hit home to me.  She spoke of how she was always thinking should she divorce or should she just wait til her AH died. This was my life for a while.  I was wondering if today it would happen or should I stay.. or should I go and all the while the chains and nuts and bolts inside my head were rusting over and about to switch off.  Al-Anon was the oil in my brain.  The functioning had just about completely failed until I crawled into that room with mascara running down my face.

Now I know for certain that if my husband were to pick up his drugs of choice, or any drugs for that matter.. that he would surely die.  That is not a question, that is a fact.  He would die an untimely death because the disease progresses even when the alcoholic/addict is not using.  It marches on and would worsen and worsen, it's goal to take my best friend's life. This is a scary thought to have.. but a thuoght, none the less, for my AH is breathing today. He is even clean today.  So all that useless pain, stress, worry, fear I filled my heart and soul with were futile, completely, because if his HP has decided it he would have died. Tomorrow if his HP wants him then some way or another he will die.  So true for myself as well.  Worrying wont prevent it, worrying won't prepare you either.   Today, I am grateful because my AH's heart is still beating, today, he gets another chance.  Not everyone gets that (whos to say which is better) but by the grace of God mine does.  My AH is a bright spot on this Earth when he is clean/sober and working a program.  I have learned that first hand because today I can be grateful that the love of my life is working a program.  I am also aware that his sobriety may flickers like a candle but it is his job to keep the flame burning... "slick" is always waiting outside the next meeting, around the corner when he runs into an old friend.  My worrying won't change the future that's for sure and waiting for the other shoe to drop is another term for negative thinking and lacking faith in the man I love.

The great news, however, is that MY recovery is in MY hands... not his.  Nothing in this whole life or world is guaranteed... aint that the truth? But I always got me... There is a quote in one of the daily readers "when you start loving yourself you begin a life long romance."  I love that because I feel that. I love myself. I am excited to wake up and get a day with me and my HP. I would have never found that way of living without Al-Anon. "When you live in your heart, you are already home."

When chaos struck my life, time on my own was also the best medicine.  "When you fall... dive!!" and that is what I did with Al-Anon. I dove right in and I still am diving in. I can't get my hands on enough literature.  Its helped me immensely.  In Very Very Tired's post Lonliness  danni wrote about life not turning out how it was planned.  I Love what danni wrote and to roll off of it.. I found that I  had to grive the loss of the life that I thought I would have. My soul mate, my love... was no longer the man I had married and I thought I could nag him, trick him, talk him, pity him into living the life I wanted and giving me all I wanted.  but I couldn't.  The wonderful thing I discovered along the way is that life is turning out better than I had ever imagined it because before I was putting my happiness in his hands.. he was my HP to me.  I did not know any better because my HP was foreign.  But now I know. Now I know that no human being can be another's HP because they wil let you down... 100% of the time. 

Now every day that I wake up the world is brighter, the trees are dancing and the wind is whistling along with the birds... the snow is no longer a burden but beauty in its elganant glow ... and the rain, though wet and cold, is not so depressing because its true beauty, in its own sense.  Just as I enjoy a shower to wake me each morning,  the Earth should receive such freshness. When the sun comes out ; am grateful that this planet is here, aboslute perfection for if it were placed where Mars is.. we would not exist.  I am but a spot on this beautiful planet that my HP created (my beliefs) ... but a spot, none the less, and I pray for God to make me an instrument of his love so that when I encounter other spots they may feel their HP, perhaps, or just for the moment have some of the serenity and contentment I have found. 

Thanks for the inspiration today, Very Very Tired and all who posted on the post Lonliness