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Things since I've come home have been pretty good. I'm the one doing things to rock the boat. Some of it I'm sure is so I can say see .. it wasn't THAT good really. There is a part of me though that really thinks I don't deserve to be happy. Plus after living in crisis mode even just in my own mind for so long it's hard to be in normal mode. Life doesn't feel normal after living in all of the up's and down's to have things be middle ground. It's not to say there aren't some things coming down the pipe that will liven things up a bit. I seem to feel this need to cause some additional issues.
I looked in my alanon lit for self sabotage, .. however I'm wondering if I"m looking at it all wrong ... maybe it's not self sabotage? It could be something else that I'm calling self sabotage.
Has anyone read any good books about self sabotage? Any ESH? I'm trying to easy does it however I need an easy does it .. just do it attached to the end of things. Procrastination has just taken over my life and that is a big way I self sabotage!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I think I know how you feel. Normal doesn't feel normal at all when you have lived with this disease very long. It took a long time for me to feel ok with a normal boring, no drama day. It feels weird to not be immersed in drama or some crisis every minute when that is what you have lived with for a long time. It takes some getting used to and I did sabotage some of those days in early recovery. Give yourself some time. I learned to identify that uncomfortable feeling and find something constructive to fill the void that the chaos left when it left. I could do something nice for me, call an Al-Anon friend and talk about how I felt, take a walk or a hot bath. Whatever helped make me feel better. And I learned to smile and enjoy life in the moment. That took a long time, but it finally came with recovery.
The just do it part is just do the next right thing, whatever that is, including if it is take care of yourself. It could be any of the things above or call your sponsor, do the dishes, vacuum, walk the dog, whatever. Just take the next small thing, don't look too hard at the big picture, and get moving. Anyway, that's what I did, and still do a lot of times when I am not sure where to start.
Keep coming back.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I used to think that I self sabotaged myself in my relationships but looking back I think it was not that exactly.
For me for the longest time I didn't think that I was worth that much. If I was to self diagnose my family alcohol was not a part of our lives but food very much was and food was used for comfort, to celebrate, etc. So my own view of myself was negative (I was always "the girl with the pretty face), in the US we're sold the line, thin is beautiful and I was not thin.
I've had to learn to change my thinking, to quit listening to the negative voice in my own head that was telling me I was worthless. Then I started looking for what I could do. Some of this started before I got married, then after I got married I had a whole new set of rules and I'm learning. Yesterday I happened to notice my leg and the fact that the muscle is noticeable from 3 years of running. It was a moment of seeing a positive instead of looking at the negative.
I always do well when I write things out (journaling) and then as I'm writing things become clearer to me.
-- Edited by Jackie11 on Tuesday 27th of December 2011 09:30:10 AM
When things are going smoothly for me, I start to get/feel critical. Sometimes I voice it, sometimes not. I just finished the first step, and in the Pathways to Recovery questions for step 1, there was a question about how I feel when things are running smoothly as opposed to when there is a crisis. This was very eye opening for me. Live and let live is big for me when these feelings arise. I repeat it like a mantra. I focus on the first word: LIVE...what can I do in this moment to enrich MY life? I so appreciate all your feedback and support. Hope this helps! hugs
I definitely think it is harder to accept feeling "normal" after living in an environment of constant crises punctuated by spurts of temporary normality. Maybe it is a mode of self-preservation - eg., if the shoe drops, (and we always expect it to), at least I will be prepared. After a summer of sheer insanity, I've been adjusting back to relative normality over the past few months. On one hand it is more peaceful, on the other, I am still feeling anxious a lot. When my life was it total chaos, I just reacted. It was like I was on adrenaline and did what I had to do and my priority was just getting through the crisis. I didn't have time or mental energy to think about the future too much. With things a little quieter now, I have more time to second guess myself, obsess with "what if" scenarios and of course, worry. So it is all rather ironic. When I start doing that I just try to take a time out and remind myself to let go, if even for just a while. Sending you esh, nyc
My sponsor is helping me work through this right now. I self sabotage for many reasons, mostly old cycles. I believe when I truly love myself and can Let my HP more fully have the reins, I will be ready to stop holding myself back. Progress not perfection. Your awareness is great and that is half the battle. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
No idea if this will help .. I read on Adult Children of Alcoholics and how we literally internalize our critical parent's inner voices.. We tell ourselves we want to do something .. the inner critical parental voice kicks in & says, "You can't do that" .. We listen and respond to those critical inner voices .. I do the same thing .. and i'm thinking for me it's fear of the unknown results of something I want to do . then i don't do it .. I Also know for me .. I hang on to pain sometimes because it's a connection to some area of my past I hate to let go of .. Honestly it's like the hoarding shows where people Refuse to clear Absolute clutter from their homes only mine is on the inside not the outside .. Ironically my home is clean .. but my insides are a mess in progress still ..
Sometimes I look in the dictionary for clarity or words that jump out .. I did that with the word sabatoge . Maybe something will connect from the following ..
The dictionary definition of sabotage is "an act or process tending to hamper or hurt" or "deliberate subversion". Hmmm. Why on earth would we sabotage ourselves? That's a complicated answer. And a simple one. We choose to.
Another article clip on sabatoge: Sometimes it's so frightening to imagine changing, growing or making conscious choices that we deliberately hamper our own efforts. "I make choices every minute of every day". "My life is up to me". Those are intimidating thoughts. ((Maybe some of me personally does this to not have to take on any blame if i screw up .. ?? Thinking outloud and thinking Only of my own past experience)) And doing things the way we've always done them feels safe and comforting.
So how do you deal with your self-sabotage? The first step is to identify how you're sabotaging yourself.
I'll have to keep thinking of this too for me personally ..
I remember thinking how "lazy" I was. And thinking this could not how normal people live and feel. It took me quite a few years to internalize that this really was normal. That gut wrenching feeling is not normal. Just keep on doing the next right thing. Keep reading AlAnon stuff, this website and others, and go to meetings. That will keep you on the right road. It is easy to go back to the comfortable stuff, even when it is stressfull. But it is familier and comfy like a ratty old pair of slippers that have holes in them and let your feet get wet and cold. Take care of yourself.
Great thread Puska and awesome responses!! Sabotage? Intentional and not often times comes because I don't have needed consequences to shoot for like goal and I just live my life reacting with the here and now...moving sideways and not forward and then like it was mentioned having goals and using procrastination is a shot in the foot also. Being Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired can sabotage my journey also and I don't do much of that intentionally. I love using "progress not perfection" in times when I'm just "trudging the road..." rather than skating over it easily. Sometimes sticking to "my" principles and not falling for "theirs" looks like self sabotage when I come to believe that principles are everything to my spirit.
This thread suggest for me the extreem importance of self inventory and then arriving as the possibilities to change or not.
Enlightening post! When I've caught myself doing something sabotaging, it often has been in tandem with trying to control something- anger or fear- based. Having lived so long with an active A, quickened this negative process into quite a routine as my self esteem and sense of self plummeted! Changing perspectives, becoming aware of choices, not reacting, or taking positive steps have greatly reduced this.
I LOVE all of the ESH I have gotten on this and I appreciate it sooo much. Thank you all for taking the time to respond to this because I will be referring back to it often!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
