Loneliness - Al-Anon Family Group

Very Very Tired · Senior Member

Loneliness

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs,

I don't know that I have any ESH outside of what I believe, my belief is it's hard to share a life with a partner who is in the house and basically have to live alone. Doing all of the life stuff the great, good, bad and the ugly and feel that there is only one person in the relationship. That's how I felt very much a year ago and it was very painful and I know I wasn't the only one who was hurting emensly during that time.

I kind of view it as mourning for the what could be's or even how it should be because the reality pretty much sucks for lack of a better term. It has nothing to do with not having that full life outside of the marriage it's missing that person to share it with.

I don't know if that makes sense or not, I know how lonely I felt a year ago and it wasn't like I was alone really. My best suggestion is give it to God and apparently I need to hear this often because I've been saying it a lot .. feelings aren't facts and they will pass. How I feel today doesn't define what tomorrow brings.

Hugs P :)

Very Very Tired · Senior Member

That makes perfect sense, Pushka.

Yeah, that is it: I am missing the person I used to share my life with. I am missing what I thought my life would be like. I still do all the good, bad and ugly that comes with an almost 20 year marriage, but I do it alone. I miss my AH even though he is beside me everyday.

Thank you for the perspective. You said what I needed to hear.

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

I know just where you are VVT and I remember vividly that feeling. It was just as I was really learned to let go of all my preconceived ideas about what my life/marriage/husband should be like. I was right at the edge of not knowing if I was going to file for divorce or if he was going to save me the trouble and die first. I lived in fear of that phone call for months, then suddenly was able to let it all go and find peace. It is amazing that I remember it so well. We separated at about that time and suddenly I was alone with my two little boys and I cherished the time alone to work on me. I think that is really how I got through it. I spent my evenings when the kids went to bed reading CAL, working my fourth step, journaling, etc. It was quite and I had found a measure of serenity I had never had. I didn't know if my husband would survive, my marriage would survive, how I was going to support myself and the kids, etc, but I was ok, and I knew I would be ok from then on. It was amazing.

So hang in there. I often feel the worst before a breakthrough in my recovery moves me forward.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

VVT

I too can remember vividly that feeling and understand how painful this time can be. I believe Jens' response mirrored my own exxperience -so long ago.

I too needed to truly let go of all my expectation, begin to validate myself , my needs, and my talents and begin to trust HP.

You are doing fine, keep showing up, attending your meetings, working the Steps and sharing here .Your inner attitude will shift and the loneliness will lift

You are not alone.

-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 28th of December 2011 07:42:03 AM

Very Very Tired · Senior Member

Wow! Thank you.

Jen, you put it so well. That is where I am at. I don't know if I am staying or going. I don't know if AH will kill himself with the amount of alcohol he is drinking.

I think I've hit a new level of awareness: I'm married to an alcoholic. Nothing I can do will change him. I don't like being treated like pond scum. Only I have the power to change me.

I've been walking around the last few days thinking, "What am I supposed to do with this awareness?" My HP wouldn't lead me here if he/she/it/they didn't also have a plan to show me what to do with this awareness.

It is so comforting to know that loneliness proceeds another step forward in my recovery, if I continue to work my program.

Deep breath. Take another step forward into the unknown.

-- Edited by Very Very Tired on Tuesday 27th of December 2011 09:07:48 AM

danni · Senior Member

I sometimes experience intense lonliness when my AH drinks. And an overwhelming sadness of how my marriage, in this sense, didn't turn out the way I wanted it to, the way I dreamed of when i was a girl. Then I pray. And Let go and let God. I have come to believe that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. The growth I have made and the new spiritual life I have discovered for myself, despite the lonliness, have been gifts that I am grateful for. Outreach calls help, especially when i don't feel like making them. A gratitude list when i don't feel like picking up a pen... And I try to remember (my sponser helps) to take it One day at a time. Each day has the possibility to bring a shift or change. Sometimes all of this helps more than other times, but I persevere, because I have found a higher power who is NOT my husband. It sounds like you are working a wonderful program. I don't know if any of this will make sense to you, but I hope it is helpful. In any case, you are not alone, and I am sending you lots of support and understanding.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I used to feel that way too when I lived with my exAH and the weird thing is I lived that way so long, I like what Pushka said, you received great ESH here! I am sending you love and support on your journey!

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Im in the same boat with the loneliness .. For me i"m lonliest when I'm not sharing from the heart with others who understand .. I can be with a million others outside of recovery and still feel alone because the unity and common welfare isn't the same .. Meaning in here I am with others who have a common purpose .. to help family and friends of alcoholics isms, etc.. out there the unity and common welfare is to have a nice day or some other purpose for the most part, .. Hard to do when I'm carrying things I need to get out .. There is an understanding through the fellowship of the steps we just can't find in other places ..

I'm very lonely for my partner today .. I miss him terribly .. want him, need him, etc.. the feelings are incredible but they will lessen eventually .. Helps to come here to "Keep" my focus on Me !!!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Not too long ago I said to my spouse that sometimes the loneliest place in the world for me was standing next to her and what I mean't was that when she was only into her self I seemed to exist only as a distraction or something she needs for her life and still what is the consequence for the "other" in your life. I'm grateful for the program and how it gives me choices when other choices aren't working out.

Good thread (((((hugs))))) smile

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