The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thought I would leave a post on feelings .. My feelings change according to my perceptions and it would seem this week my perception is changing according to my feelings .. I just shared earlier thanks to a great reminder I know feelings aren't facts but through the years I have done so much isolating that it's led to many other defects .. The way I chose to deal with the alcoholism in my family upbringing was to do nothing .. Now that I'm out of my past relationship, I am afraid i'm doing the same to a degree .. Its not quite the same because this time around I'm taking action to attend meetings, read literature .. talk to others, etc.. but I'm still feeling very alone .. This lingering cloud of sadness seems to be following me everywhere I go today .. I'm so sad but so grateful at the same time to be carrying the sadness with grace & calm .. Maybe my thinking is in the wrong place today because my motive is to try to figure out how to get it to go away .. I'm powerless over that part .. Maybe I need to figure out what I can do to walk through it as in a distraction ..
My willingness is where I'm in trouble this week .. I seem to be stuck in my head since the alcoholic left in that now that he's back together with his x gf who he's always been in love with .. or at least needed more than me .. I have no idea what to do with my time .. It doesn't matter whose around .. I seem to have this no point inliving type of attitude and i am absolutely powerless in that there is no way this person is deciding to come back around this way any time at all too soon .. If ever .. I just can't imagine never again .. I know full well though he is Not my answer to serenity .. I have a meeting in the morning that's good .. So thankful .. but in the meantime .. just so sad .. can't shake it ..
Feeling like I have no friends due to my isolation and feeling like I have no real direction .. I never worried about it with my partner .. It was like we were an old comfortable married couple .. we were with eachother 24/7 until he found new opportunities that were Much more exciting .. I have way too much time on my hands right now .. working an intern in january but in the meantime .. it's painful .. I also recognise my part on a much deeper level .. I was so crazy controlling, pushy, negative .. complaining about everything for some time .. your basic reactions .. it probably feels pretty refreshing for him to be gone if i'm being honest with myself ..
Sad because there was a time I would have mattered more to him .. I would have been the one he paid attention too .. doesn't matter to him anymore .. but I know I'm also expecting the alcoholics in my life or did for years to show me what love is and how to love others .. they don't really know or they wouldn't be drinking & drugging in the first place ..
What I get in alanon is much more than any one other would ever have been able to give me .. but thanks so much for being here .. I feel like i'm really in a slump ..
Thanks for being patient .. I felt so much better after posting earlier but I guess i really do need it again ..
I sooo understand where you are coming from, I know for me I had to learn the difference between being alone and then being lonely. I don't know if that makes sense or not? Sometimes I thought because I was alone I was lonely and then there have been times I have been in a crowd of people and truly felt very lonely even though I wasn't alone. There is a huge difference in those statements for me.
Feelings not being facts, .. I love that and go there a LOT .. lol. It's still important to feel the feelings, see them, own them and then let them flow through me. Again I don't have to react based upon how I'm feeling in the moment. I can be sad and not feel that the world is going to come to an end because the feeling will pass. I can feel angry and not act on the urge to throw something (specifically for me, kicking truck tires .. lol).
Right now I would encourage you to do a gratitude list (A - Z or pick 5 things just from today to be grateful for).
I'm so glad you have a meeting tomorrow and you will be able to be with others. I remind myself often when I get busy I get better, which at least my kitchen is cleaner than normal on certain days. :)
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I know that slump feeling. For me it usually comes before a breakthrough, so hang in there. Keep working your recovery as best you can. Meetings are great. Phone calls are hard to make at first, but talking to people from meetings is good for them and you. I know I love to get calls from people who are struggling. It gives me an opportunity to be of service to someone else. It gets me out of myself. And that's another thing, service can break me out of a slump. Doing something for others whether its sponsoring a newcomer or just making coffee or cleaning up after a meeting really helps one feel like a part of the human race.
I hear in your post that you feel abandoned, too. I had issues with that. My self esteem was wrapped in what others did. I had to work through that actively by journaling, looking into my past to see where I had felt that way many times as a little girl, and talk about it with other members who understood. That is how I worked through it. This too shall pass. Feel what you need to feel. Acknowledge it, wallow in it a little if you need to(LOL), and then let it go.
Hugs,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I can relate to the slump and I upped my Al-anon meetings and talked to my sponsor more until I got through it. It sounds like you are basing all your happiness on him and whether he comes back? You didn't say if you had a sponsor or were working the steps, but that sure helped me stop all the stinkin thinking and get myself moving out of my last slump. I am sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thank you So much to you each .. I genuinely needed the comfort of shares last night and this morning and even now .. I just read something that jumped out .. heard it so many times but .. basing my happiness on him and whether he comes back .. i did the same with my family of origin .. when my family members left home; they never came back .. and i was never truly happy again .. because I believed if they didn't come back I couldn't be .. now I'm seeing this is Again why I'm thinking i will never be happy again .. Because he won't be coming coming back, etc.. So many spiritual connections to my first family in this .. my abandonment issues, etc.. praying for the alcoholics to find sobriety thinking that's what I need .. insanity .. i made him and others my higher powers so much i brought them All of me to fix daily near about .. Jealous when others come around because God forbid I not be the center of their attentions .. I mean how can they heal me when they aren't thinking of me 24/7 making me the center of their worlds .. Jeeshh so much insanity ..
I made it to this morning's meeting .. topic was detachment and seeing how that really begins within us .. We become detached when we're in the grips of this disease .. ours and others' affects .. Seeing the jeckyl n hyde in me too .. not just the alcoholics and how much the 2 are already fighting before anyone or thing even comes along .. Jeckyl wanting the disease and hyde wanting recovery .. So much to think of ..
I typed one reply already and lost it .. it was good but too much to type again in the time I don't have .. So I will end and just again say Thank you So much !! .. Pushka thanks for being patient with me .. The last bit of support from earlier in the day when I had posted truly helped me So much !!
