The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
People say it would be good to go to an Al Anon meeting, but if I am getting divorced, I don't see the point that person is getting out of my life.
I won't be dealing with him any more. It seems like going to Al Anon meetings would just remind me of him and make me think about him all the time, which would delay my healing.
I feel like I need to stop thinking about his insanity, because it is making me insane too.
Am I way off on this or what?
One of the best questions I was asked when I got into Al-Anon thinking some of the very same thoughts you've had here was, "So what is your part in it?" I had no idea that I had a part, played a part or was carrying a part with me throughout my life. I came into Al-Anon twice...the second time I was sicker than the first and I was separated from my alcoholic/addict at that time. It wasn't all about her. I had a life before her and that wasn't anything to brag about. It was a long crazy story getting worse.
When I finally got into the program it was suggested that I do 90 meetings in 90 days and for me only that was the very first thing I did as suggested in my recovery. I stopped fighting the help. We all get choices and we all earn the consequences of "our part in it". It wasn't all about her or the her before her or the her before that one and more.
When first exposed to Alanon, my impression was that this is a program for people who stay with their addicted loved ones.
At one meeting, I looked around the room and saw tired, haggard, sad people and thought I was in the wrong place. I was told to give it 6 months and I thought, who can wait six months! It was suggested not to judge the situation and not to leave before I saw a miracle.
I just wanted to know if he had a chance to recover and if there was something more that I could do to bring that about (I wanted to be sure that no stone was unturned- that I did a great job of doing all that I could to save my marriage- I was convinced that my A was the one who needed to be fixed and that I was perfectly fine.) I needed answers and instant gratification; I may have needed someone to push me/ confirm that divorce was my answer.
When I was told that Alanon was for me, not to show me how to fix my A, I thought of the tired, haggard, sad people I saw at the meeting and decided I could not/ did not want to identify with them. Moreover, if this was the end result, I did not want to look tired, haggard, and sad!
So, I went along my way without Alanon, but years later and post-divorce I found MIP. My life was humming along, but not in the direction that I wanted it to go; I felt lost; I wanted better for myself. I couldn't figure out what I needed. In truth, I exhausted other possibilities and there was no where else I could go.
Unbeknownst, living with my A had created unhealthy thought patterns. In fact, I already had some unhealthy thought patterns prior to meeting my exAH... these patterns may have served a limited purpose at one time, but were/are now ineffective.
I started attending face to face meetings- saw lots of new faces and some of the old faces too, but the general impression was one of relief and inspiration. I now love how I can walk into any Alanon meeting and, without even speaking to anyone, know that everyone in the room understands me. In these rooms are an abundance of strength and hope that, what ever the situation, together can be improved. I found a few sponsors and started understanding the slogans and how I could apply them.
Don't leave before you see a miracle. I hope you decide to keep coming back.
Personally, I believe there is a distorted view of what Al-Anon is all about. I did not know either until I entered the rooms. We don't talk much about the alcoholic who brought us there, we focus more so, actually pretty entirely, on ourselves. If you would like a peaceful place full of a room of people who understand. If you are looking for serenity and hope.. Al-Anon is for you.. divorce on the way or not, its about you. I go to Al-Anon 3 times a week and therapy once every other week. Good luck and I hope you find something that works for you.
__________________
Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
People say it would be good to go to an Al Anon meeting, but if I am getting divorced, I don't see the point that person is getting out of my life. I won't be dealing with him any more.
ttpurtee,
I thought this at first too, until I figured out that I too had a problem. When I first came into Alanon, I had gone from one alcoholic marriage to another, and I wondered why. What was it about me that attracted alcoholics? After a few years in the program I found out I too had some dysfunctions that I needed to work on. I now go to Alanon for me, not the alcoholic. It is like preventative maintance, because I don't want to repeat past mistakes. This is just what works for me.
Overcome
__________________
I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
My AH is sober 4 years. I have 5 years in Al-Anon. Things are pretty good. I could easily get complacent and think I don't need this program anymore. Except that I am who I am. I hav been affected by the disease of alcoholism, a progressive disease. I notice that I have unhealthy thinking patterns that have nothing to do with my sober AH drinking or not. I know that I want to be as healthy as I can be. I know that an Alcoholic who stops going to AA meetings is in much more danger of a slip. I have seen a few Alanoners who quite coming to meetings have our own version of a slip, and I don't want to have that happen to me. So I keep coming. I probably always will.
When I first came to Al-Anon, I couldn't imagine why an AA or Al-Anon member would keep coming for 30 years. Now I can't imagine my life without Al-Anon. It is a part of me and it keeps me sane. Al-Anon teaches me that I have to give it away to keep it, too. I take that to heart the same as I have taken everything else to heart.
It works for me. I hope you keep coming back cause this program works.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I have met people in Al Anon who are divorced from their AH, but they share that they get so much from the program because they have to interact with their ex spouses for life because they have children together. Al Anon seems to help them with the issues and feelings that arise, along with the aftermath of having lived with so much pain, trauma and confusion. I also have a friend who has shared that she is grateful that she can pass on what she learns to her children, who will have to spend the rest of their lives dealing with being the children of an alcoholic. I read your other post, and I totally get that you are tapped and overwhelmed. If and when the time is right, you will find yourself at a meeting. I encourage people to go because of how it has helped me create a better life for myself, and I wish that kind of relief for anyone has is suffering from the ravages of alcoholism. Keep coming back! You deserve it. hugs.
I have gone to both for several months at the same time when I first started, because I needed it. I know had I not done Al-anon I would have found myself in a similar relationship soon after the divorce was final. The Al-anon meetings and my sponsor have helped me grow and have more of the life I dreamed of having. The counseling I stopped after awhile when I got through some of my big past stuntedness. My sponsor is helping me work the steps and see and love myself more than ever. I am sending you love and support on your recovery journey!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
