The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For me letting go of being a victim has been such a long hard road. Christmas always used to remind me of all I did not have, a loving family, a rich warm homelife, companionship.
This Christmas as always people asked me about my family. Those kind of questions used to send me in such turmoil. At one time I used to pretend I had a relationshp with my sisters. I did have one but it was always full of tremendous conflict for me. I did send gifts and they were not always warmly received. As always I did not feel "included". In hindsight I was always included if I wanted to play the role of scapegoat. They were very happy to have me if I was willing to be enmeshed, gossip, intrigue and be angry about what ever the latest drama was. When I started to speak the truth about how awful our childhood was of course they shut down. I understand now that was not something they were capable of dealing with.
This year when my co workers asked me if I was going to see family I calmly said no (no tension in my voice). If they asked me questions about my marital status or whether I had a boyfriend I demurred. I didn't have the normal catastrophic reaction I did before. I did not go into a spiral of grief, rage and why me?
Having boundaries is such a joy to me when they come effortlessly. I spent years either being too open (everyone at one time knew I had been abused and neglected and was estranged from my family). Now I choose carefully when and how to share that. I'm no longer an open book and I no longer feel the need to disclose. Nevertheless I don't hide it I don't pretend which is very important to me.
The same issue applied to my relationship with the now ex A. Everyone including all the neighbors (because of the noise chaos and turmoil) knew we had problems. Everyone knew the latest news on the saga of leaving, taking him back, leaving, taking him back, getting all those traffic, speeding whatever...tickets, crashing the car (s), destroying stuff, the dogs running away, every day it was one more catastophe. Now I don't have to deal with that roller coaster. Of course people ask me about my life. I changed shifts and work at night mainly. Some people certainly ask me about that. I don't have to make it a dramatic issue. It simply a change in schedule for a while. I also don't have to dress it up. I can't say I like working retail one bit.
I feel such peace and contentment no longer being on a spiral of wondering when the next catastrophe is going to happen. I no longer have to endure living around alcoholics and addicts who simply make stuff up if they need a distration. I no longer have to endure noise, turmoil and constant distraction. I don't have to steel myself to get through meeting them in the hallway. Certainly I meet them on the street but I ask little and say nothing beyond perfunctories. What's more if I can avoid them I do it without any kind of guilt at all. There is no intrigue, goosip or wondering what is going to happen next. I simply side step their lives. I know I can do nothing to dissaude them from using and drinking so I say nothing about it. Last Christmas I did indeed side step the drama, intrigue and gossip this Christmas was one better I didn't even have to witness it!
There are many many days when I think nothing is happening in my life. I'm waiting for the economy to resume so I can get a better job. In my waiting I have time to reflect on how far I've come in such a short time and a future I can look forward to rather than dread what is the next calamity coming down the tunnel.
For all that I am very grateful. for all of you who have stood by through such a difficult time I'm grateful for your time, input and caring.
maresie.
-- Edited by orchidlover on Monday 26th of December 2011 01:32:24 PM
Thank you so much for your share!! You have hit on some points that I'm currently working on.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
for me, letting go means trusting that good things can, and will happen...certainly clinging on and trying to control stuff (my current M.O.) hasn't made a scintillatingly happy life for me -- so why is letting go so darned hard?
I don't lose well...and I want what I want...so of course, I want to MAKE it happen.
I can identify! I'd panic and become an artful dodger when family/ friends asked me questions that were too painful or shameful for me to answer.
I'm still learning the process of letting go; I'm starting to trust my HP is leading me to a better place, no matter how uncomfortable I am feeling. I still need plenty of reminders to focus on my short-comings and not to take on other's short comings as my own.(horrid bad habit!)
I can so relate about being way too open of a book and now having boundaries. I also don't answer all teh questions I used to about my family of origin or my exAH and his family. I like being private and drama free. I love this share! Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Yes when people ask me if I am married. I say I was once. That's about as far as I go. I am so glad to be at that point. I used to feel very exposed. I 'd have to say that this doesn't necessarily mean I'm popular.
There are people at work who I share with. I do share with some people but I'm no longer an open book. In addition if I run into brick walls. Like I shared with one co worker that I was ill as a child, she immediately interrupted well you're okay now. I then let go. I'm not going into a long song and dance about what my health status is now. Of course that didn't go down that well with her either but it goes down a lot better with me. I can see the road blocks and instead of trying to go through them I go around them. I know I can do all this boundary stuff because I can come here and be real about my life. I have people who care about me now I never had that before. The ex A cared but he was so ill and so self destructive it was not nuturing in any way.
