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Another Christmas come and gone, but the Spirit lives on .. I'm grateful my Christmas was filled with so much joy, serenity, and true happiness .. I'm also sad it's over and grieving the loss of so much togetherness with family and even my x partner .. He showed up Christmas Eve after midnight which we'd planned so he would be able to watch our daughter open presents Christmas morning .. The killer is that there was genuine serenity and happiness between us .. We watched her Christmas morning and one of my girls went and sat beside him just holding his arm .. I made the choice to go sit beside him too .. my mistake .. It felt like old times .. the few sober times we'd shared throughout our years of mainly chaos .. The feelings kicked in and it was hard to let him go when he did leave ..
We talked a little and when he left in the beginning after our separation, he left cold and refused to act like we'd ever known eachother at all .. My mind automatically went to it must be me .. He doesn't love me, doesn't care, he's killing everything good .. Come to find out he'd been afraid of talking to me for fear I would take him to court for custody and use everything against him .. (His perception) .. I never once in 8 years ever threatened his not seeing her .. What I did say was that if it wasn't peaceful we'd have to make other arrangements ..
He's back with his x girlfriend .. So hard for me .. Everytime he comes and goes a part of us goes away a little more .. I recognised in my life how much I hold on to pain because pain is a connection to the ones I love .. I also recognize all this time, I thought he was getting high because of me .. others .. to keep me quiet Them .. What I realised for the first time was He literally gets high to quiet his Own voice .. Not ours .. His voice, his conscience, his thoughts, his guilt .. all that haunts him .. This of course is only one of the reasons .. the other shallower one being it feels better than what he's feeling ..
As for me .. it's so painful sometimes I still have days where I absolutely feel like i'm losing my mind .. My own lack of acceptance that I can't change him .. his alcoholism .. and worse I'm powerless "Over the way I feel when I'm with him and when I'm not .. All I can do is keep sharing and be patient .. My answers will come but it's not magic .. it's mystery .. it comes when it comes and when God knows it's time ..
Funny when I pray to my higher power these days I'm recognizing patterns where I sit and explain myself over and over to God .. Thinking of how I need to put things .. How can I make Him understand .. Insanity and still alcoholic thinking on my part .. There is Nothing wrong with Gods understanding .. only mine which gets confused .. There are certain areas I haven't had my spiritual awarenesses too much in but I can expect they'll come ..
Thanks for letting me share .. I miss him crazy and it's Much harder to let the fantasy go because i can control that .. Maybe it's not him I feel changing .. Maybe it's me ..
Thanks for the share, it sounds like YOU have been the one changing. Funny (ironically so) how much we think is about us and very little has to do with us in the big scheme of things. I'm struggling praying to God and asking for His will not mine be done. There has been more than one situation present itself that I wanted answers right NOW and I'm very grateful that those answers have come later and not when I was demanding them and more importantly HOW I wanted them to be done .. lol .. that would have been a disaster of the biggest making.
I wanted to ask what would happen if you let go of the pain and good things started coming into your life? Instead of finding or feeling regret that you found out that the pain was part of the growth to the next step?
You've got some great awareness going on keep coming back and keep sharing it does get better. More importantly be easy on yourself and remember that feelings aren't facts, ... they just are, .. neither right or wrong a way to process events that happen in our lives. They don't have to control our impulses to act.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
((((Metwo2)))) Merry Christmas and thanks for that honest, humble share. It caused me to reflect on what it was like, what happened; What happened one night while I lay awake unable to sleep and trying to count the holes in the ceiling tiles above my bed in the dark I remembered that part of my addiction to her was that I fell asleep best while holding on to her and of course now she wasn't there; couldn't be there cause I was dying from the disease; so I asked my Higher Power to lay down next to me and hold me like she held me and I held her and then came the immediate answer as I felt arms slip around me to hold me and I never lost sleep because I missed her anymore. (God's will). It was at that moment that I was asking for a change in Higher Powers and my alcoholic/addict wife no longer was my Higher Power. I trusted her into that position when she didn't have the assets to fulfill it so I had to ask for the real one.
I mentioned to another member the other day that as long as I have memory there is no such thing as divorce; a program lesson and that I might as well make the good memories more available than the bad ones to help me feel grateful for the "good" rather than remorseful for the "bad" or "losses". I'm not with or married to my former alcoholic/addict wife and I love her more than I ever have without any reason to be married. Being married for me was an attempt to have her mirror how good a guy I was and how I had it all and how perfect a spouse she was just like the lawn and pool at our house. She had some very very good points that had nothing to do about me and the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction combined. I like the good stuff about her and hate the disease in anyone. She wasn't ever my Higher Power no matter how much of myself I gave to her. I turned her over to my Higher Power and the last time I saw her she was sober.
I pray the blues for you are lifted and you find things to smile and laugh at without remorse. ((((hugs))))
Lol thanks so much for the reminder Pushka .. everyone ..
I do need the reminder to remember that anything and everything I've gotten through alanon and many face to face shares, sponsoring, literature, speakers, message boards, etc.. has Always been better when its taken longer to receive .. My way is always fast and I want it Today .. there's times I truly Hate Step 3 .. when i made my decision to turn over everything to higher power, I'm learning .. it didn't just mean when times are happy or that I'd give my problems to God and then all would be well .. I hate that it means I made a decision to Accept there will be painful times & days .. maybe many but that the end result is His Serenity & Healing .. I know my way has Never worked as well as His .. Feelings are big for me too .. Remembering they are Not real .. They Feel So Real because I Feel them .. and wow that's hard to get away from but my sponsor has Always told me the same .. Just to let them be .. they are neither good, bad, right, wrong .. Still I went for many years Even feeling they define me .. Old learnings are hard to change but they R changing and I'm still moving forward Regardless of the pauses in between ..
Jerry it's funny when I think of what I tried to turn over to Him too ! I brought him everything Literally .. in many ways I subconsciously truly believed he was my higher power .. I'm recognising though Power is supposed to be a good thing .. It's not supposed to be power Over me as in Domination .. I suppose some of this thinking is Also why I thought he'd be around Forever Interestingly enough .. The same way Any higher power would be .. the way God would be ..
I absolutely Love the Signature line .. "How does one become a butterfly?" she asked pensively.
"You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar." - Trina Paulus
I love this because this is so true and after reading it .. I now know what I need to work on .. My Willingness .. sounds like a good topic for an upcoming meeting .. Maybe I will sign and chair ..
Thanks so much to All of you for being here .. I'm still in it but my sister is flying into the airport today in about an hour .. I'm grateful to be able to have her here at the time .. What a Great diversion .. Merry Christmas and Happy new year to all .. (((( Hugs ))))
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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> After holiday blues
Thank you !! I need it because it will get more vulnerable before it can be better .. The jouney being .. into ourselves .. Nice to know i don't have to come in here alone !! its not always a safe place ...
