The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I posted on here before that my AH and I have been seperated with a TRO, also he has told me that he does not care about me, he has no feelings for me, and he does not have to earn my trust back.
This is telling me he does not love me at all any more. I have filed for divorce before, but he has not been served with the papers yet and my lawyer has not contacted him yet.
So yesterday he came over to see the kids, I asked him if he had a lawyer and he said he didn't because he couldn't afford one.
So I called him today (of all days) to tell him that if he could not afford a lawyer then we could use the same one and that would save us money and be easier. I was trying to be nice.
He said, "I will have to think about it." Then hung up in my face. Then he text messaged me and said, "Merry Christmas to you too."
So that is telling me he is unhappy that I am going for a divorce, but I don't know what he wants when he says he does not care about me and does not have any feelings for me.
The obvious solution is divorce. I know I don't want to live like I was
I know no one knows what is going on in his head, but knowing an A brain better than I, what do you think he is thinking? Why is he acting like this?
I know how hurtful his words are. I don't know him, but I can tell you that I've heard those same words and suggestions from my exAH. Pained by the words and his inconsistencies, I am told that it was the disease talking.
Also, sometimes anger overshadows other feelings, such as love. It sounds like your husband is angry with himself and his situation. The disease leads into destruction unless he is able to start working a strong recovery program.
Alanon encourages us to focus on ourselves; spending energy trying to figure out things that are irrational or insane is mostly unproductive and just draining.
I was told that trying to figure out the insanity of this disease was a waste of time and energy. He is an A and he doesn't have to make sense. Se try to make it make sense and it just makes us as insane as they are. This is a disease of insanity and trying to figure it out is just wrestling with the 1000# gorilla. You can't win. Its just gonna beat you up and throw you around again mentally and emotionally.
I learned to stop asking why and just accept that it is the disease talking and it is insanity. I don't have to try to understand it. My A never knew what he meant. He just spewed craziness. He could not have explained it either.
Have you found face2face meetings in your area? I would suggest that you do that, and find a sponsor and read as much of Al-Anons CAL literature as you can get ahold of, esp the pamphlet Alcoholism, the Family Disease.
Keep coming back here, too.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Yep been there-my husband can say the cruelest things-especially after I had him removed with an ro-after he came back sober-it continued for a couple months-I just didn't feed it and often my response was -if that's what you want/think-avoiding reactions-mean comments back and even not saying anything when he did just the opposite-it is an insane disease and as someone who tries to say what I mean it is hard to deal with someone who only means half of what he says. When divorce came up I said fine if that is what you want but you pay for it and do the work-never happened. When he said he was going to move out-I told him about a place I heard about he could afford-never happened but if it had I would have been ok other wise wouldn't say it.
I can relate to your share and my answer is you will never be able to figure out what he is thinking or what he wants, he is sick. I hope you can figure out what you need to take care of yourself and to set goals that will make you healthier and happier on your recovery journey. When I first started attending meetings I read "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews which helped me gain so much knowledge on my situation and "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie which really made me understand myself better. I also attend 2 weekly Al-anon meetings and come here for support. It has helped me slow my brain down from constantly spiraling through the chaos that was my life to calmly thinking things thorugh and taking good care of myself and my children. I am sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I was told that a lawyer is prohibited from representing both parties...when I tried to do that to save money...then plan 2 was that I had hoped that I could file the divorce and that my AH and I could work out the details and file without lawyers to save money...
then things got weird (as I'm told they always do in divorce). I had to give up the idea that my AH could be reasonable, and protect my interests, and my children. I had to take a loan from my parents to cover the cost of the lawyer...what really stinks is that he will get half my retirement...and use that to pay his lawyer and bills...and I will still be making payments on mine!
Just my opinion here....You do not need to take care of him by making sure he has a lawyer...it's his job to protect his interests.
I know this sounds cold...but things never go as planned in a divorce...you have to focus on YOU, and protect you.
It might be too early for that solution TT...There are sooo many alternatives available to us and lots of time to look them over and such a large fellowship to listen to about how they did what they did and how what they did came out for them...just like this board and the face to face meetings. I was taught "Don't React" which mean't don't jump at obvious solutions but to think and consider what was available. You gotten some great ESH here from others and there is much more available for you to shift thru. Check your motives and feelings before you take action trying to control anything.
