The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I hope everyone of you miracles is having a good Christmas weekend. I so love this site and the wonderful ESH here, so much wisdom and compassion. This has been a godsend for me. I'm just going to write out my feelings tonight. I bet some of you will identify with some of this.
This is my first Christmas since breaking up with my addict/alcoholic exboyfriend of 3 years. In some ways it was nice. There was no yelling and only a little crying today. That was good. In many ways it was very sad. I have lots of good memories of Christmases past with him and last year was really pretty good.
I was also very very close to his two children and we really had a great time at Christmas together. I still see the kids sometimes (teenagers) and that's nice that we've been able to maintain a relationship. His daughter was texting me today, but we weren't able to meet up. It's ok, hopefully I'll see them next weekend, but I still felt so sad not to be together.
I think the holiday brought out a lot of the grief I'm still feeling over the end of this relationship and the loss of those hopes I had for our future and the hurt I felt about his smoking and drinking and chosing not to work on it. I am so thankful for Alanon to help me deal with those feelings and learn so much more about these issues. Anyway, I just really miss him, especially right now. I really miss the kids. I am so heartbroken about our breakup, but I know it's for the best and it will all get better with time, etc.
And... I was hoping to get through the weekend without any contact with him. I have been avoiding him and have luckily not heard from him since early November when we split up yet again. (We've been on-again, off-again for like a year) I thought no contact was the way to go to make this stick. But I know his kids went home today. I think he's home alone and getting loaded as always.
He started sending me text messages tonight. He said things like you know I love you, will you come over? I just wrote back and said - I love you too, but I can't come over. Goodnight. And that was it. He wrote back several more times but said he knew that. I think he accepted it. It just felt so sad. I didn't like having those feelings all stirred up. I didn't like feeling sorry for him all alone and sad tonight. I didn't like feeling angry and sad about what could have been, and angry that he would contact me.
I just took some deep breaths and said my little serenity prayer. I repeated all those wonderful things that I know now. This man is sick. It's not my fault or my responsibility. It is sad and it's ok for me to feel sad. I have to turn it all over to my higher power. I have to turn my grief and fear and future over. I have to turn him and his problems over. I can only do what I need to do for myself and that is to treat him with compassion and respect, but also to protect and honor myself. I clearly and calmly told him I loved him, but no, and I did pretty good about not getting all bent out of shape and weepy over it. So I came here to write it out and I feel better.
I know things will get better and time will help me heal. I think I'm going to try to hit a couple meetings next week. It's just that I really loved him so much and I really loved his kids and I miss the good times. It really is so sad how alcohol and substances can steal from our lives and do so much damage. I remember a saying from our meeting here about feeling cheated out of a loving companion. That's how I feel right now. And my life is much more peaceful now, but for now it's also kind of lonely and I do really miss him and worry about him.
So just processing the thoughts and feelings. Not getting dragged down into the pity pot. I am focusing on prayer, gratitude and changing the things that I can. I am hopeful and learning, putting myself into the care of my higher power this weekend.
Thank you all for this wonderful site. Any words of wisdom I would sure appreciate. I hope you have great Christmas days tomorrow!
Hi, Doozy -- I can really identify. I know that moving on has been better for me -- the only way to keep my sanity -- but it sure can hurt. Not that it didn't hurt to stay in it. But when I was in it I kept thinking that it would get better and all my patience and efforts would pay off. When you're out of the relationship, you can't hold that illusion any more. But I really know I did everything I could do. I'm sure that you did too.
I remember talking to a friend and saying that at least she was in a relationship. She said, "Mine is worse than not being in one. To get in a good one, I have to get out of this one, and then into another one. At least you've already done the first step." I had never thought of it that way.
Take good care of yourself on Christmas Day (and every day!)
Like Mattie, I can also identify and have had to move on from my exAH, ending a 20 year marriage. It was, at the time, the only way I could start restoring my sanity.
I have also just ended a relationship- my first relationship that was with someone without addiction- a good guy who did not want to end things, but, at this time and for whatever reason, he is no longer able to sustain or grow a relationship. It's painful. I'm trying to let the feelings pass through at their own rate and, yes, not going near any pity pots. I felt it would be more painful to hang around and wait indefinitely (I'm not sure I'm even clear on his issues or confusion.)... been there and done that with the marriage and looking for something different.
I'm trying to trust that HP has something different in mind for me. I'm trusting that I need to continue to focus and work on myself.
We'll get through this weekend and start filling our lives and souls with all things good. I think 2012 is going to be a great year!
I have found that all change even good change is or can be painful.
It usually means we are moving in the right direction and we are choosing the harder road. The road where healthy choices win out over the repeating of behavior. The only time it's really good though is when we are making those hard choices when we are ready to and because it means we have out grown the current situation for more healing to begin.
Sending love and support during this new growth time, nothing chagnes .. nothing changes.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I can relate especially with feeling cheated, but my exAH is sick and I can no longer accept unacceptable behavior and I am already better for making the decisions I have. As much as I miss him at times, I love not feeling the angst and drama that used to be my everyday life. I am wishing you peace on this Christmas day!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thank you, it is so nice to hear from people who understand. I hope that the new year will be a good time for me to focus on my future and the positive changes ahead. I'll continue to turn the grief over to my higher power and have faith in the future :)
Thanks for your share, Doozy. I can relate to much of what you shared with us. This was my first Christmas without my AH. We have been married for 29 years. I miss him so much and today was bittersweet. It was a relief not to be around the drama that has been a reality in our family year after year, but at the same time, I am sad to be without him and to be out of our home of 23 years. I plan to get to my f2f meetings this week as well.
