The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Christmas Eve with the family. I'd forgotten how devoid of boundaries, sanity, or even basic respect for other people this can be...
Being at another person's mercy to be harassed/insulted whenever/however he wants, SUCKS. And it sucks even more that any objection to this would just lead to him making fun of me, and then deliberately doing more of whatever it was that I had objected to.
Any real move to put a stop to it (eg. leaving and spending Christmas on my own) would hurt mom too much, so I'll stick it out for her sake, but I can't wait until I can get out of here...
...he's not constantly horrible... one moment he's being a great dad trying to help me with stuff, and the next he is an immature inconsiderate selfish *** and the switching back and forth is messing with my head because when he's in "great dad" mode I doubt myself and think maybe I was being too sensitive getting upset over little things when he was being a selfish ***...
...or maybe my standards are ridiculous, everybody has their imperfections, and I just need to accept his.
I don't know!!!!!
A day and a half until I can get out of here. Until then, I've hidden a copy of "Courage to Change" in my stuff, so I have a little piece of sanity with me...
-- Edited by atheos on Sunday 25th of December 2011 12:28:29 AM
Hi Atheos! I hear ya! My family can have some of those issues too. I was dreading having my folks here this weekend, but they've actually been on their best behavior and it has been really nice. This might be one of those times where it's - one minute at a time just to get through a couple days of craziness! It's great that you're coming here and keeping your book handy. You're probably also looking at the whole situation differently than you would have in the past. I know that's true for me. I go into these situations a different person now, with different awareness and different tools. It's a good feeling of progress and I know I'm only beginning some of these changes.
I bet that there are very real reasons for you to be upset and that possibly you're hurting yourself even more by doubting and judging yourself for being upset. I know that I struggle with that myself. I started to feel so much better when I stopped wondering if I was being too sensitive or not, or if my standards were ridiculous. I just accepted and validated my own feelings - it was such a great step. If I felt hurt, I felt hurt. I just accepted my own feelings and started to look at why I felt that way and what I could do about it. I also have really tried to stop "going to the hardware store for bread" with my family. I can't really expect to hear positive affirmations from them or encouragement when I'm feeling down. It's just not their way. I accept that about them. I accept that I need it sometimes and try to find other ways to either reach out to others, reach out to my higher power, or reach inside and find more strength from within.
Just my two cents. Please take what you like and leave the rest. I don't know you and your situation, but I bet you have good reasons to feel upset. The good news is that is will get better! I'm just taking my holiday bit by bit, knowing that it will be a short visit, and I'm trying to concentrate on the good things about my folks and the gratitude I can find for my life. When I get worn out, I just take some time for myself like right now on this site. Such a lifesaver!
Wishing you well! I hope you can hang in there and maybe tomorrow will be better! Doozy
First off remember to breathe, it truly gets easier as time goes by. I find being very new to healing that there are some situations I'm not always prepared for, all I can do is the best I can do. I couldn't have done a visit to my mom 6 months ago and been normal about it. It's all about time and healing. Be easy on yourself.
Taking your tools with you is big, you have your c2c book and there is all kinds of good things in there. You see the dysfuntion and now you know you have a choice you don't have to react. LOL .. I know sometimes easier said than done in a split second. I always think long term gain for short term pain and the pain does get less. I try to think of these things as opportunities to see what will and won't work, I do have the power NOT to react though.
Acceptance that this is how they are it doesn't matter if I see it as right or not I have no power to change them. Back to step one, I'm powerless over people, places and things. Letting go of the idea that somehow they can change the past and give me what I want or need is just never going to happen. That's what it meant to me and it helped me a great deal on my visit with my mom. Acceptancing that I have to let go of childhood fantasies of I think someone else should be, the freedom in that is that I don't have to buy into what the preconceived notion of me is with my family either.
Have a wonderful holiday and just take things as they come and remember you aren't in this dysfunction alone, family brings with it a whole other dynamic .. it's a great opportunity to see how far you have come.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
(((((Atheos))))) you're in the Christmas Time of practice and you've got more tools than anyone else. Who else there has MIP to come to and get love and support and feed back...MIP and the fellowship doesn't tell you that since you have us you can take crap...what you're given is support to take care of yourself however you decide that is best and you're deciding with tools..."This too will pass" "One day, One hour, One minute, One second at a time" "Give to yourself what you're not getting from others"....A Courage to Change reader in your bag??? Come on that isn't playing fair!! LOL...I love it...you packed your barbells and will come away stronger than anyone else there. Your Higher Power must be smiling and nodding its head and expressing gratitude for your recovery practice...way to go!! (((((hugs)))))....oh and you got a place to come and get unconditional love and hugs....
Just a big (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) cause I know where your at. Many of us have been where you are. I'm in the cheering section with Jerry.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Leaning boundaries has been such a great exploration for me. I found it difficult, frustrating, enlightening and something I had to practice day and night. Now I have some time under my belt, I don't endure difficult situations in the same way.
Recently I became aware there will always be someone who irks me, triggers me, confuses me around. These days I feel more confident of being able to deal with it. Tremendous good can come out of such difficult situations. I am glad you are willing to stick around, commit and be available to work a program for yourself.
Yes, I'm right there with you. Sigh... I feel so alone in my own home but I know there are nice, kind people out there. My family is visiting and I am, as always, the designated target for all expressed negative emotion. Feels bad. I want to get to a meeting but it's hard to get out of the house and if I give the real reason then it's going to trigger more contempt for me. Thanks for sharing. It reminds me to get out my own copy of C to C.
