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O.k so it christmas eve. I have trying my hardest to deal with my abf. Well to try and get through the holidays really for the sake of our children. Yes he is using again, and its seriously breaking my heart, not to mention driving me insane as he is outright lying to me about it. I have been trying my best to take care of me and my children and to try and to get into the christmas spirit for the sake of my babies. It is hard because my abf is treating me like I'm crazy and that I am a freak or so he says to me. I have told myself to just get through christmas and then to kick him straight out because I can't deal with him using. He drove over to collect my mother and sister this morning as they are also staying with us for the holidays. My mother pulled me aside and asked me if everything is o.k with my abf as he does not look right, I was so embarresed I lied and said he is just tired. I am filled with a lot of guilt shame and a lot of anger toward him at the moment. I don't think my mother bought it but she left it there. You see all I hear out of him is that once christmas is out the way he is going to come of his meds. That he has been on since last year from his last relapse. But I know he is using on top of that I have found some other tablets but not confronted him as I know that it would do no good. Its a complete repeat of last year. And I don't know if I can cope with it or even want to anymore. I am finding it hard to just carry on as normal when he is like the way he is, I am either one minute blowing up about something or when I try to ignore it I go so far into myself. I just shut down and want to isolate. I then have my abf on my case with what's wrong with me, and I can't open my mouth to say how I feel as there will be yet again another row. Because he won't admit to nothing. Before he went to collect my mother and sister this morning we had another row, you see he is great at screaming to shout me down because he knows I don't want to argue infront of my kids. I screamed at him and wished him dead, I truly feel awful for saying that and did as soon as it came out of my mouth, of course I did not mean it. The look on his face before he walked out made me feel so guilty.
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Easy does it. Living with active addiction can make any sane and sensitive person do and say things we never thought possible. Have you considered a face to face al anon meeting? For me (My AH and I have 2 small children and my AH still drinks sometimes), being able to tell the truth of my situation to a group of loving and understanding people was so helpful. No needing to pretend at these meetings, and it was the beginning of a new life for me. Sending you a tremendous amount of support during this difficult and painful time. Please be gentle on yourself. You are doing the best you can in a very challenging situation. Keep coming back!
OH man... this is such a hard thing to be going through right now. I don't know what to say really except that I understand exactly how you feel and have been there... the only difference, however, is that I don't have any children to be sane and happy for.. that must be hard. When my AH's addiction turns into something like this I have been advised by my Al-Anon mentors to read literature, pray, get on these boards, read and post, and to get to a f2f meeting if possible. can also call up an al-anon friend and talk one on one if you have any.. people are there to help you. If nothing else please just know that I can feel your pain and though my christmas is looking bright it could snap in a heart beat and it would be entirely on me to keep the focus on myself and to make it a nice holiday for me by detaching with love from my AH, not expecting anything.. not covering up for him .. the embarrassment you feel, i know its hard not to, but please know that these are his choices and you are an entirely separate person who makes her own choices. the embarrassment is his alone.. or it should be.. the consequences of his actions are also his alone... as for telling him you wished he'd die.. it happens.. you reacted. you could apologize if you feel you should but don't beat yourself up over that, it's easy to become very angry at the addict.. i try to focus any anger I feel on the drugs themselves and on the addiction. Step 1: I am powerless over alcohol/drugs. I am powerless of my alcoholic/addict. Support from me to you and my prayers your way, SS. I hope the day becomes better. Your HP is always there and with that you are never alone.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Oh! Serenityseeker, I just want you to know that I read your message and I truly sympathize and understand. Wishing you inner peace over these holidays.
Just do your best to get through the next day for your kids and your Mom, too. Ignore him if you have to and fake it til you make it. I used to DREAD Christmas, having to fly to be with my AH's family and it NEVER ended well, lots of regretful things shouted in front of his whole family. It was humiliating and heart breaking...and he was just drunk through it all. I would have panic attacks for almost the entire month before even going. Ugh. It does suck...but the holidays, like everything else will pass and you can focus on your own recovery. Right now take it one hour at a time and don't project ahead--to remain sane! Wishing you some peace and glad you are here.
I'm sorry to hear about the tough times you guys are going through right now. Just wanted to send you a quick note of support and encouragement. You're not alone and you've already heard some great words of wisdom here. I would recommend to just keep taking it one step at a time and know that things will get better! It also helps me to try and focus on the things I have to be grateful for. Maybe a focus on yourself and the rest of your family can help you maintain some peace despite the hurt and anger over what your bf's doing.
Thankyou so much for all your heartfelt words of support. They honestly mean the world to me right now, and it is so comforting to know that I am not alone here. Right now I am seriously just trying to take things minute by minute. And to just focus on what I need to get done and prepared for tomorrows dinner. I am trying to take deep breaths and remember that I am totally powerless. I have pretty much avoided abf because everytime I look at him it aggravates me so much. Where has the man I met and fell in love with gone? Yes I get that I'm powerless and coming onto this site has been so helpful for me to relate and understand and give me some hope but its hard to explain but I am having a hard time accepting that I'm poweless within me. I am trying to get beyond the hurt and anger, I am actually starting to feel guilty now that I have been giving him such a hard time. O.k deep breaths now. I am so glad that I have found you all and I wish you all a wonderful christmas, I will keep you updated. I can't attend f2f meetings at the moment because I have noone near that can mind my babies, but I am hoping that in time this will change. Thankyou for listening.
(((((Serenityseeker)))))...Merry Christmas!! and if you haven't received this gift before here it is from MIP...If you have reopen it. It's called the 3cs (three cees). Repeat softly and often..."I didn't Cause this, I can't Control this, I won't be able to Cure this." Leave the responsibility for his condition on him. Love him as an addict and let him be that...an addict. He knows he is...you know he is...everyone else does also or suspects he has the problem. Lovingly give him his christmas gift of responsibility...it's not from you. Yes that's new recovery thought and lingo and then MIP and the program is your gift. They are the best gifts I have ever received bar none.
For years I tried to hide my AH disease from others-or at least the extent of it-from my children, family, friends, neighbors-thought it reflected badly on me. Little did I know I was protecting the disease and allowing it to continue. The last couple of relaspes my AH let it all show while trying to point the finger of blame at me (I wouldn't have sex with him when he was drunk)-well now everyone knows if they didn't already and no one thinks badly of me. Now there are no secrets it easier to deal with. Right now he is in recovery and I am grateful.
Please know that the phenomenon of a "perfect happy family holiday" is as mythical as the disney myth of "happily ever after" -- nice ideas, perhaps, but reality is a much different story.
even for families who are not struggling with addiction, holidays are a challenge for most, IMO -- there's always the relative who says inappropriate things, or someone's feelings get hurt...or this one isn't talking to that one...etc.
I'm sharing this because christmas is really just another day -- heaped with unrealistic expectations....
do your best to shed the myth of the perfect christmas, and be grateful for what IS...however small the joyous moments may be...they do exist...
the f2f meetings, and a sponsor will save your life and those of your children. call your local alanon hotline and ask for child-friendly meetings or meetings with child care.
Hi everybody, just thought I would give a quick update. I am really hoping to get to a f2f meeting either sunday or monday eve. We don't have any mettings during the day round here where we live. I really can't wait to be honest, although I have to say am ver nervous. I really feel I'm getting at the stage where I'm starting to hate the abf. And its sad for me but I can't seem to look at him or even talk to him without this huge raging ball of fire being unleashed on him. Its an anger I never knew I had in me. After weeks of the fighting and the lies, he finally admitted he was takimg tablets but not not kind I thought, although he did also take a few of them too. I knew and could tell, but then I find out he has been going behind my back running to his family saying that I'm the crazy one and they all think I have bad postnatel deppression and even his mother thinks that is now the reason after riliy admitting that he is taking anti deppressants because of me little did they know he has never come of these other meds which are a substitute for his drug of choice. Which is what he was supposed to be coming off in new year and going to get himself to meetings. I fee like I could scream, well I could tell he was using something else by his slow manner and just being very dettached from everything. And now I find out before he has even gave himself a chance and came off these other things he's sneaked off and got some more tablets. Him and his family are giving me a hard time about being to harsh on him. At least he's not on the hard stuff etc etc but this is exactly how he relapsed last year. I just want him to let go, like he hs not complety shut the door on any of it. I don't even recognise him, its like there is no emotion and he is numb. He has put it to me that I'm a horrible so and so because I won't accept him on these ant depressants to me its just another thing to latch on to. I know how manipulating and all the lies after lies. I do on my own fell maybe I am being to hard????? but at the same time I don't feel I can be any other way. I'm ready to ask him to leave I just don't think I can take anymore ithere is no trust. I just can't seem to believe a word he says. He has said as long as his doctor says he should be on something then he will, I know he has his doctor wrapped around his liitle finger with only god knows what he must be saying to be getting these tadlets and for still being on the other stuff for as long as he has. But I don't think I have anymore left in me, I'm too tired have just had enough now. Thanks for listening guys.
Something a very wise person shared with me is "hate uses up all my good." I have taken that to heart in ALL of my situations in life. When I feel so strongly about a specific situation I am grateful for these words because it reminds me that resorting to hate is no different than the pain resentment causes me.
I hope you make your meeting and enjoy it. Don't worry it takes time and it also takes perseverance. Keep coming back and keep moving forward with the focus on you.
It's truly no wonder we have all had a case of the crazies from time to time .. seeing one thing and then being told another it would drive the sanest of person to a breaking point. For me making the resolve to believe what I see and ignore what I am told has been a life line. I know my truth, I know what is or what is not. Actions vs words speak far louder for me than the words. It will be a long time before words have the same meaning for me. It's part of the trust I have to rebuild within myself.
The other thing I encourage you is or I should say what has never worked for me .. lol .. I know .. I used the word never, however the reality is if I have to ask a question I already know the answer to chances are the response is going to be a lie. The only way I can relate it is ask a child who has their hand in the cookie jar IF they had a cookie (as their little face is covered with cookie crumbs) and of course they say no. LOL. It's just the reality of human nature, how do I get out of a situation I know is wrong. So it's more important I put 2 +2 together and come to the logical conclusion vs hoping that what I see isn't what I really see. If I think someone is acting funny or drunk, I choose not to ask if they are .. why do that to them as well as myself. I'm doubting what I see and what I know in my heart. I know the answer, .. what am I going to do? Can't answer that at this point. I'm not there yet.
Does anyone else remember Eddie Murphy and his whole skit on "It wasn't me." I can't remember the name of the movie however it's his concert where he wears the red leather jumpsuit and I swear that whole "it wasn't me" can be applied to every situation that we don't want to see the reality of what is going on. Even though we see it. That is the level of denial we will go too to avoid dealing with the reality of a situation.
Keep coming back and keep posting it really does get better as you receive clarity of mind, body and spirit.
Take what you like, hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
