The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband is a sweet, loving, kind, funny, intelligent and good man. My alcoholic husband is a tired, anxious, angry, fearful, petty, ashamed boy. Is it bad or unfair that I'm starting to see them as two separate people? Or is this maybe a good or adaptive way for me to handle being his partner?
I'm quite new to understanding alcoholism, and how it affects him, me, and our relationship. What I'm not new to is being increasingly anxious as each day wears on... wondering what state he'll be in when he comes through the door, and at what time.
Will he be my man or that boy?
Should I see him as these two people, or should I try to accept that he has a spectrum of behaviors? I'm so confused.
This Jekyll-Hyde phenomenon is not uncommon in active addictions. Loving the man, but not loving the disease is a way of detachment with love.
Attend Alanon meetings, read all you can on the literature, learn all you can about this dreadful, powerful, cunning, and baffling disease. It effects everyone that comes into contact; it preys on mind, body, and soul. Living with someone with active addiction is too difficult for most of us to handle alone; Alanon gives new tools and perspectives and to take each minute as it comes... whatever variety of behavior shows up at that moment is what is in front of you- perhaps, it is not so necessary to dwell on if it is two persons versus a spectrum of behavior as it is what you are going to do about it at the time.
The serenity prayer:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Yes, you're so right that it's knowing how to handle actual drunk situations (and their aftermath) that's the important thing...
I have noticed people saying on the board here that seeing the AH person as 2 people helps them in drunk and sober situations... I'm trying to wrap my head around that and see if it would work for me. It's so baffling most of the time to know how to treat him/ interact when he puts us in these awkward and alienating situations.
Reading this board has already helped me SO much, and has given me some great 'survival' tips.
I went to one alanon meeting but haven't been able to get back yet... Hopefully in the new year.
In my case with my ex bf, he was a bit of those contradictions. I could see some of the boy in the man and some of the man in the boy, if that makes sense. He wasn't completely either one of those people. He was a blend of those characteristics and feelings and behaviors. I thought the alcohol was maybe partly his way of dealing with those feelings, fears and hurts that the inner boy had. The terrible thing about it is that alcohol and other substances doesn't actually help that boy heal the pains and so it often actually makes things worse. I don't know if that will make any sense the way I've written it. I guess I could see with compassion that he had a hurt boy inside that mixed with alcohol and made him a wreck sometimes. We're not together anymore, but it does help me to see him with compassion.
Aloha Lady...my alcoholic/addicts were not males and yet the Jekyl/Hyde personality still applies and very often what I was taught by the ladies of Al-Anon on how to behave myself with either. The alcoholic/addict doesn't have the same allowances and privileges as the non-alcoholic/addict. She doesnt' have the same cooperation and partnership. She does have the same unconditional love and when she was sober I supplied all the other stuff to. Course being sober isn't always being alcohol free so working the different identities became a practice. I learned the difference between helping and enabling which was rocket science for me and a major skill while I was and am in relationships with other alcoholics and addicts.
Great post...waiting to hear more from the fellowship. ((((hugs)))) ...and of course Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Interesting post.... not altogether sure whether that is a great thing, or a somewhat dangerous thing - somewhat of a slippery slope.....
The reality is that they BOTH make up the person he is today, and I do believe that we need to keep our reality as crystal clear as we possibly can....
For me, when I started sentences with "my A is really good except when she is drinking" was somewhat of a stage of denial for me, in that the drinking was escalating, and there was far fewer times when she was sober (as her disease progressed), so it ended up being somewhat of a resentment & unmet expectation, of her sobriety, on my part....
I dunno.... I just can't help but go back to the reality that this is a progressive disease... those who are "managing" their addiction today, won't be "managing" it as well tomorrow, or next month, or next year.... Sobriety is a gift that I hope he gives himself, AND you - for Christmas this year. The whole Jekyl & Hyde thing is enough to make the best of us crazy, at times...
THanks for the post, and I wish you well
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I hope you are making it to face to face Al-anon meetings and able to find a sponsor, that was most helpful for me. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews also helped me to receive perspective. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Hi all,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences on this.
Doozy, you bring up some interesting points. In the last month and a half my AH has started seeing a psychologist once a week, and I think they're really starting to work through some heavy things.
Apparently, a whole lot of it has to do with my AH's upbringing, and fears of/ expectations from his father... So yes, I can see a lot of the scared boy in him when he's been drinking.
I think that seeing him in this light helps to remind me to react to him with more compassion than I used to have, which I think (hope) is good for both of us...
...and of course Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.