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Well my A called today asked if he could come over. I said yes (assuming he was coming to get his things or MAYBE give me some money he owes me) Was kind of strange to hear him ring the door bell... First off I was assuming he would be high out of his mind because he got paid the other day... He wasn't... My son who has been so upset about him not being here runs out with a huge smile on his face and asks me if he is staying... I just said No.. So my A doesn't really say much but goes where I have his clothes that he still has packed over here and gets out an outfit to where and goes straight to the shower... He is still wearing the clothes he left in (over a week ago).. He gets out and looks threw his things not saying much but asks me if his PO has called and asks about a chemical assesment appointment he needs to do before the 30th... I only am saying what he asks me... I did ask him if he was ok. He said yes. (he's not)... He then puts on his coat and kind of stands around a bit and then takes off his coat again... (He is waiting for me to say come back I miss you I love you bla bla bla)... I didn't say any of that... AS MUCH AS I WANTED TO.... I did tell him that my son has been having a really hard time with all of this, well that we both have... He didn't say anything but looked upset, maybe a little teary eyed... Remember this man has an attatchment disorder so it is VERY hard for him to express his feelings BUT he IS capable so I am not going to open it up for him when HE is the one that needs to say sorry or whatever he is feeling... He grabed ONE more outfit and left without saying anything.... I didn't say anything either and I didn't go out the door after him... I just let him leave.... As hard as it is/was I stood my ground.... He needs to know I'm not caving and that I mean what I said about him not being here when he is actively using.... Yes I would LOVE to have him back IF he is in a program again.... But for now, that is not the case so I guess it is what it is at the moment..... So, I'm sure alot of you are thinking that I shouldn't have let him come over and take a shower and grab only one outfit and leave, (because this means he will be back) but for now this is where I'm at.... He doesn't have anywhere to bring all of his things so this is where they are at the moment... He didn't give me any money, I didn't say anything about it... He wasn't rude. So I let him come shower and leave.... Today I am focusing on the part where I LET HIM LEAVE..... I didn't cave in!!!
Well done (hugs) I have been where your at I came home from work and my husb announced he was leaving , he had been dry for 6 months and it was hell worse than the drinking . Like you I almost started to ask him to stay but didnt I knew I couldnt live that way any longer . that was the best thing he could have done for us , he started to drink again and stayed drunk for 9 months in that time I found out that I was going to be ok with out him and he decided that home was where he wanted to be and was willing to do what he had to do to be here . Sober and AA was the biggest boundary I had ever set for myself , give it a try or stay where you are I am doing just fine . Luckily he agreed to give AA a try and found the support he needed to stay sober . For me the biggest gift was that regardless of what he did I knew I was going to be okay . thinking of you today . Louise
"For me the biggest gift was that regardless of what he did I knew I was going to be okay."
This right here says it all for me! Kris you did a great job staying on your side of the street and made sure that you did so with kindness and consideration.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Yesterday I went and helped my ex move stuff so that hopefully he can start a new chapter of his life somewhere NOT here. Over the last year especially I've taken a lot of grief from well meaning friends (and just plain nosy neighbors) about helping him - but they aren't me. BECAUSE I have loved him, because of the tender feelings that will probably always be in my heart for him, I want the best for him; I won't let him walk all over me but it serves my well being to choose to help without enabling. I'll say that again - it helps MY well being. Like Pandora's box, my heart holds a little flutter of hope that someday he will GET IT and find sobriety. I choose the friend path because it is much healthier for me and, because someday if he does get it, the path will be there for him to follow.
You did well Kristen - well, that's my opinion anyway!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
GOOD JOB Kristen. Just doing this will also give you the strength in the future, because you know you've got it in you. This is ROUGH (my AH is also separated) but the healthiness of the relationship depends on each of us being healthy...and I know i got a long way to go. Thanks for your post--it gives me ESH, too.
