I find it interesting how I suddently "get" it.  My latest revelation is that detachment appears to have brought me to acceptance.  I got to the point where I felt bombarded, and finally, finally came to the conclusion that others have the choice to live their own life, and so do I. Its not my fault. I can't control them. Nope, not at all, so I need to just stop trying.  Also, I am much happier and calm when am am not in it and have very little knowledge of what is going on. I don't ask questions, and deal with the people who can cause me distress on a need to know basis. Such simple concepts, but so incredibly difficult to put into practice. Another one of thoses things that I heard over and over.  Even bigger is the idea that I can love anyway.  Really? Wow!

My 18 year old son has separated himself from our family for about a year now.  Pretty much making contact only when he wants or needs something, but now always pleasant. About a month ago, his freedom ride got a big snag in it when he crashed the car he was using.  So, he immediately he asked his dad and me... "will you help me buy a car?".  No. "Will your help me with my insurance. " No.  "Will you cosign on my loan?"  Hell, no.  Of course, it was padded and sweetened with hooks he knew were important to us, including the need for continued ability to work, enrolling in college, helping drive his siblings. We didn't bite.  Ex AH did consider giving him a loan, but quickly abandoned the idea.  Yes, a little bit of guilt swirled in me, but that passed amazingly quick, and I know undoubtedly that the decision to let him fly on his own is the right one. 

Prior to all this, I sent him a simple invite to Thanksgiving.  He politely responded he'd let me know, but then didn't.  I don't know how he spent it, but we had a glorious day.  Did the same for Christmas, and totally let go of the outcome.  ExAHsober comes over Christmas morning to celebrate.  We do it for the kids, and its getting easier every year.  I am tired of being angry. Thank God!  We had a discussion with the kids.  Maybe son will come, maybe he won't.  Maybe he will bring gifts, maybe he won't.  Regardless, after some serious thought, we decided to buy him some gifts because it was a gesture from our hearts and out of love.  Does he deserve them?  Nope.  But we are not doing it for him, so that works.  Now granted, there is nothing elaborate, lots of toiletries, socks, underwear, pjs, a gift card.  He did lose his ability to have a wish list.  His sister bought him shoes and is absolutley thrilled.  My youngest bought a set of nerf guns. My ex and I put both our names on everything. As for my son, he spent a good amount of time texting me yesterday.  Said he will be going with his dad to his grandmas on Chrismas Eve, and will come over Christmas morning.  Has plans Chrismas Day.  Then he wanted to know what to get his siblings.  Back and forth with ideas and, and at the end said, "I think they'll like their gifts". 

So, while good, we are feeling a bit nervous.  Ex says he has been "preparing".  While happy to see his son, they have had very little contact, and the thought of the 30 minute car ride back and forth as well as sitting around and visiting is anxiety provoking.  I'm glad its him and not me  :) We both know the key will be to say as little as possible.  Please know that I am very aware that he may just be showing up to get gifts, and then have very little contact again, and that is okay.  My house is peaceful, and in many small ways my son is maturing and showing progress.  He'll have new socks and underwear :) Of course, there is still much I can't stand, and I have concerns of the future, but I don't have time for that today.  It is a bit disheartening to me that my "company" on Christmas morning is company at all, but that's just how it is.

I have choices.  I get that now.  I am planning on seeing my homeless A/pothead brother the day after Christmas, so I will let you know how that goes.  My sisters and I decided to take him to lunch, let him know we love him, will have a communicative relationship with him should he ever choose to take the help offered and get sober.  He can continue on with his life, but so can we without what we consider to be insanity.  We are also going to give him a Walmart gift card.  Yeah, he can spend it on food, clothing, doo dads, or alcohol.  His choice.  I hope he finds sobriety before his finds death or goes completely insane.  I just am going to love him anyway (from a distance), and really start loving me too.

Wishing you all a nice holiday.  Hang in there and do what you can to take care of you.  

Blessings,

Lou