The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't posted in a while but have been trying to read others posts when I can. Work has been really busy and frankly I've gone into auto pilot over the holiday. I know it's probably a mistake to not deal with the things that are right in front of me but the holidays are a tough time for me inspite of the separation issues with my spouse. I've allowed my alcoholic mom to ruin or taint my holidays for so very long. Not only is she an alcoholic, but my counselor also says she is one of the most narcissitic people she has ever met. Everything is a reflection of her. I've done a pretty good job of detaching from her but today I'm revisited by my hurt and anger towards her. I know many people say "it's the alcohol" or "it's the disease" you should be angry with - not her. That is a tough one for me. So today, I will let myself be angry and I will try to work through it. I no longer feel guilty for not feeling deep love for my mom. I have forgiven myself for that. She is who she is.
I hope my daughter knows how much she is loved by me. I'm trying so very hard to break that cycle but I know I am not perfect. My love for her has allowed me to begin healing for the lack of love I felt from my mom.
Thanks so much for the share. Something that has helped me on my own journey of healing is to look at how my mom was raised and she doesn't have the tools to give me what I need or needed as a child. It's going to the hardware store looking for that loaf of bread and the expectation that this time it's going to be different and being extremely angry that it's not. (that's what always seems to happen to me).
The last visit with my mom I allowed her to give me what she could without the expectation of it being more than just that, and then I was able to meet my own needs without waiting for her to do so. Things went so much better than I could have imagined and I didn't play my part in our roles. It's funny what happens when the dynamics shift not because my mom changed, .. because I have.
It has taken me a LONG time to allow myself to feel anything except pity and anger towards my mom. You will get there it's a process and it takes a LOT of time and a LOT more healing. Be easy on yourself and I'm glad to hear that you are giving yourself permission to just let your feelings be what they are .. feelings aren't facts and we don't have to allow them to control us.
Your daughter is a very lucky little girl to have a mom who wants to break the cycle of dysfunction.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
