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Here we go again with the crying. I am sitting in my office at work feeling like a bit of a failure.... ok.. a complete failure.
Its 9 am on the 23 December. A time I am usually really happy cos I love Christmas.
I feel really rejected. I had that argument with my brother on Monday. Wednesday I had a lunch appt with a friend of mine and she didn't show. I texted and rang but no answer. I texted from the restaurant and eventually she answered wtih "Oh ** I forgot sorry, I'm sleeping on the lounge" Through text we arranged to meet up the following day in my office at work (I took time off to see her for lunch), at 2pm. I felt very unimportant for being 'forgotten'.
Thursday I took a bit of time off for last minute organising of things and had arranged to have coffee wiht a friend. Again, I rang and texted with no answer. I gave up and went to work. At lunch time she calls all happy and stuff.. oh Linda I forgot.. I got busy and I knew you wouldn't mind. She said lets catch up next week, I said I can't, she kept suggesting places for next week and I had to say a number of times I am going away for New Years. When she finally listened to me she just said "oh well.. whatever". I ceased the conversation politely. She kept saying.. you are not offended, you are good with this stuff.
I felt again 'forgotten', rejected, not given the opportunity to say actually I am a bit miffed. I did tell her it was the second time in two days by two people.
Then 2pm came and went. 3pm came and went. 4pm came and went. No sign of my first friend. I didn't chase her up either.
As you know I am on two boards on this site and I have been 'offended' and basically 'yelled at' in my opinion, on the other board and really made to feel bad. I do so hope the person is wrong and I have not made a major error in something I have said. I have read it several times and I can't see the 'badness' in it. I have PM'd the person that I have been accused of 'putting down' and apologised for any inadvertent error I made. I am really worried about this.
Just to top it off, I was rejected last night in a personal manner by my husband who fell asleep. I know it is ok, it just topped things off
This mornign I got a text from the twice 'stood up' friend. "I wont' be able to make today, or was it yesterday, I am not very good company etc.
I also feel a bit bad because I feel like I have let down an Al Anon friend from these boards that I should have been more 'aware' of what she was saying to me.
So here I sit. Feeling like a nothing again. I have the urge to eat which is one way that I can feel 'full'. I don't know what the emotion is. It hurts in my throat and my mind feels very confused. How does this happen. Am I really that unimportant and 'not worth' the effort. Do I really do so many things wrong????
Then I read to do the gratitude list which I will try right now to see how I go.
I have wonderful pets
I have a good job
My husband loves me
I have a friend that did turn up for breakfast
I have other people on the other board that seem to interact ok with me
I have people on this board that seem to interact ok with me
I had the ability to talk to my husband about my feelings this morning
I have a great Xmas day planned with lots of pressies and just me and hubby on the couch watching movies.
Without sympathizing or empathizing, I guess I can say, Oh for pity sake, buck up--you have some social skills I could surely use.
All the rejection, being stood up, sounds like what would happen to me if I were PMSing.
I have a feeling I'm not being helpful.
I got on here to say, thank you for the gift of "They are a strange mob them ones." That put me on the floor. I hope I can remember it--it would come in so handy in any number of situations.
Go read some of your old posts. You've been here, what, two months?
Amazing, Grace!
Hugs, Temple
They are a strange mob them ones--Linda O.
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
HI Temple I am having a little difficulty gleaning your meaning from your post exactly. Do you mean I have good social skills? I have been here 4 1/2 months. I'm glad you like my little saying there......
Linda, I am sorry you have been stood-up by a friend.....I have a neighbour who does that so often I now pay no attention to her promises to come across on a particular day for coffee.
Over the years I have experienced and known of high expectations from family and friends over the Christmas time. As if it was the only week in the year which mattered.
Now I try to keep my expectations low about others behaviour and that seems to lessen stress for me.
Keep safe ....I'm watching the weather in the north area....I remember Tracy, also on the east coast where some of my family are.
Thanks TH The cyclone is on a watch... its not a cyclone yet, just a tropical low at this point. It reckons it'll hit on Xmas day but I have my doubts. If it does, I would guess its just a Cat 1. We fly out to Cairns on the 27th to see friends (yes they will be there hahahahaha) I see there's an ex TC out that way. Ahhh well.. life in the tropics... I love it!!!!!
Have a beautiful Xmas..... and a fantastic New Year.....
-- Edited by Lindaoakford on Thursday 22nd of December 2011 08:39:01 PM
OOOhhhhhh..... Thankyou for your encouragement I am very glad I asked for clarification. Yes I agree, it is a very short time indeed. I am here for hours at a time every work day.
I have bucked up..... I do find I get over it quicker if I allow myself to cry... hmm.. who'da thunk it!!!!
Linda, I'm so glad you came here to share. It can be absolutely awful when these things happen.
Sometimes they've happened to me just because my friends are busy people and they multi-task and they forget things. Sometimes it's happened because I've stayed friends with people even though they're a bit dismissive and dysfunctional, and dismissive and dysfunctional people cause a lot of pain. It's been a real challenge to identify which is which. I don't want to write off the busy friends and keep on trying to see the dysfunctional ones!
Once I was so tired and overscheduled that I almost called a friend to say, "I just don't think I can make lunch this afternoon after all." Then I was too overscheduled even to call, and so I showed up. She practically hugged me, and she said, "I'm so glad you showed up, I've had six people stand me up lately. I just don't think I can take any more." Boy, was I glad I hadn't canceled! That's when I realized that a lot of people do this, and that it does hurt, and that we have to protect ourselves both ways. That is, not make plans with people who are bad at showing up, and also making sure our schedules are unstressful so that we'll show up for people ourselves. (I never knew it really mattered to people whether I showed up!)
I've gotten a little off topic, but just meaning to say that I've been in that place too and it does sting. So glad you are taking care of yourself.
great gratitude list, Linda. I hope you have a wonderful Holiday. Just remember that tomorrow can be as bright as you want it to be, okay... and read my quote below in bold! HUGSSS
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
(((Linda))) So often times, other people's unthoughtfulness can be so hurtful. And when you get smacked with it several times in a row like that....... well, I'm sure I'd be 'crying again', too. It's just normal to feel hurt when someone lets you down.
Here's a thought for you: I'll bet there are countless people around the world tonight who are also feeling pretty down, and making their own gratitude list. And it wouldn't surprise me at all to find your name on a lot of those lists. I know you've been on mine several times. I have received so much encouragement and wisdom both from your replies to my posts, and to others.
Thank you for all you do. Be gentle with yourself.
Denise
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
Had to cut that last one short but I just mean that I dont think your friends woke up in the morning saying,"I think I will stand up Linda today just to make her mad". And if they did, well that is not a friend... I agree I would be feeling pretty crumby myself in that situation but dont take if for more than it is... (its not a personal stab at you Im sure)..
Hello dear Linda! I had a thought while I was reading your post. I don't know if this will fit at all for you, but this is something that I have been dealing with and maybe it will help you....
Maybe the argument with your brother was so painful for you and brought up so many old memories and pains that it has made you extra sensitive to other smaller hints of rejection?
I am dealing with a lot of grief right now. Last Christmas was a good, hopeful time with my now-exBF. I have these good memories of being with him and his kids, we were all really close, last Christmas. Now, the holidays are stirring up my grief over the end of the relationship. Feeling like that has really lowered my resilience to deal with other possible rejections and disappointments. From what I've heard, it's actually pretty normal for significant grief to do that to people, make us a lot more sensitive. Maybe that's what's happening for you?
In any case, take what you like and leave the rest! Hang in there because it will certainly get better. You are a very appreciated and valued person here and I very much enjoy having you on this board!
Oh Linda I'm sorry I didn't pick up anything was wrong with you either. I guess we're both not mind readers. Sometimes it's hard to think let alone write things out.
What we focus on becomes larger. That's why gratitude lists help, to take our minds of that hamster ball that keeps spinning around in our heads.
I also believe the energy we put out is what we get back. It seems to ring true in your recent happenings. One friend doesn't show, you are focused on that feeling and putting out that energy, then it happens again, still focusing ..again..more bad energy, more bad stuff.
I would lovingly suggest to do your best at changing your focus.
BE the change
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Ive been sobbing off and on for 2 1/2 weeks...and then thinking...not only have I been rejected, now I'm being a sissy!
I don't know why it's not okay with me to feel DEEP sadness...in buddhist lit...there's a discussion of "inviting mara to tea" -- Mara was the buddhas enemy...and he invited her to tea.
So, what I have been trying to do is to welcome sadness (mara) by inviting it in (tea)...and accepting that deep sadness is not something to push away, or should on my self about (I shouldn't be such a sissy)...but to accept it...
I agree with the other post about being in an emotionally vulnerable place...I've been doing some really difficult work in therapy (wednesday I cried hard for the whole session). I think you need to be gentle with yourself, and realize that this kind of pain = change. Give yourself permission to be fragile....It's better than being hard-hearted, right?
If you are crying alot...think about all the times you held it in...maybe you are just letting all that out..making up for the times you suppressed it...invite the sadness to stay a while...invite it to tea...
I'm not sure what I'm going to say here, but I'll just let it flow and let my HP determine what I should share along the way...
Tears... the rinse water from a heart getting washed.
Saddness.. an experience we get to use to measure joy and happiness against.
Rejection... It should not be personalized, for the source may very well be rejecting themselve of an opportunity, probably doesn't even know it, and I'm merely adopting their "yuk" and placing it on myself.
Sometimes I just have to close my eyes, and visualize my Higher Power, letting me have a good cry... and then handing me a kleenex, and saying.."Okay, now that we have that out of the way..."
"Don't be so sad that someone failed to meet you... it left us some extra time together today and I love it when we are together"...
"If you liked everyone you ever met, and every one who met you liked you, it's just evidence you are not meeting enough people!"
"Take a moment and re-in-ject a prayer My way... even when you are upset, angry, sad, happy, thankful, or in any other emotional state... I just love it when you communicate with me."
Hope it helps a little bit...
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
I understand much of what you are saying. I am on both boards as well. I often allow others to make me feel unimportant but then I have to remind myself that they are just their own mess of problems. Whatever they say or do really is no reflection on me but it is so very nice once in a while to have that validation that yes, we are important to others.
You've done lots of great work. You've offered lots of support even if others don't always agree.
Be kind and good to yourself. You are important. I like reading what you have to say even if I don't always respond.
Those of kind of triggers would set off my abanodnment issues. Even therapists could not understand how I could not cognitively re-arrange something like abandonment. The fear, panic and absolute sense of being all alone in the universe which originated from my childhood was terrible. I have had to work on this very very hard to get through so many triggers.
Two Christmas's ago a therapist choosing to change my treatment just before Christmas sent me into a tailpsin. I do believe neither she or her supervisor got where I was coming from. They just saw me as being immature when in fact I was triggered into tremendous pain, panic and fear. Of course I could not have felt that pain, panic and fear as a small child so I had to shut it down and at certain times it is triggered up. Of course the person who triggered me (even the ex A ) didn't really know what they were bringing up. Nevertheless I do think that certain people took advantage of my abandonment issues. As a people pleaser I could not have really solid boundaries because I would do anything rather than be triggered into abandonment. In so many ways this issue is misperceived as over reacting and not being able to be a mature adult. For me it was part of the process of coming to terms iwth that I had been abandonment on so many levels as a small child and indeed throughout my childhood. These days I can still feel abandoned but the primal fear, and pain do not come up in the same way.
I think its pretty courageous of you to be confronting those issues, discusisng them and be willing to process them.
I decided to get back on to see what people are saying,,, I was online to check the bureau of meterology for our brewing cyclone. I am so glad I stopped by. You are all so correct. I agree with all your posts. It did not occur to me that it was an extension of an abandonment issue. My mask works so well sometimes, that even I don't know when I am putting it on.
And John... thankyou.
I loved every post on here..... thankyou all so much.... you people whom I have never met in person have validated me to the point that I am crying from being so happy and content that I am ok. My husband smoked yesterday... he didn't tell me, I knew, I did not let it affect my day in any way. I have obviously gotten over feeling that he is abandoning me when he smokes (I was at work and he was home)..... but here isa reminder I must put this to work "in all my affairs".
Wow... I have never been made to feel like this before.
