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I am so glad I found this message board. I need to share with someone what I have gone through. I am starting counseling but not for 2 more weeks.
My husband lost his job and starting drinking and then started hitting, choking, and becoming violent with me.
My husband would not allow me to go in the garage, which is where he kept his alcohol, so I did not know that he was drinking. He also hid his alcohol.
He became very violent with me at times. He also drank so bad one day and he took a lot of pills. He had a drug problem also.
He locked himself in a room and was about to die. I had to break a window so someone could help him. He then started beating me up again and then passed out. The ambulance came and got him. I still did not know that he was drinking. I thought he was on drugs.
The hospital called me and told me they were going to have to put him on a ventilator. I went down to the hospital to make sure he was going to be okay and they told me his blood alcohol was 4 times the legal limit.
I was very upset by this deception. I asked him daily what the problem was and he would not tell me. All he would do is lie.
So a few days I went and got a restraining order. Do you think I did the right thing by getting a restraining order?
I would appreciate some feedback. Thank you.
Yes yes yes! He is violent and dangerous and clearly not in his right mind. You need to take care of yourself and remove yourself from situations where you can be hurt. This is your safety - that comes before anything else. Sending you much support, nyc
Hi (((ttpurtee))) and welcome! So glad you found us. It sounds like you are really going through a rough time. Are there any al-anon meetings in your area? If so, I would urge you to try to get to one if you can.
As to whether you "did the right thing", nobody but you knows that, BUT I don't think that anyone should ever have to put up with being physically abused. It seems to me that you did what you had to do to keep yourself safe.
Please know that nothing you did caused his drinking, and also that there is nothing you can do to cure it or control it. As a very wise person here is fond of saying,'He's going to drink. What arecYOU going to do?'. You only have control of you, and I'm sure you will receive some great feedback here on how to do that. To begin with, make sure you are taking care of yourself: eating right, getting plenty of rest, etc. And please keep coming back here. I have found so much good advice and support, and so many caring, understanding people at MIP. It was so great to finally realize that I was no longer alone. I hope you find the same.
Again, glad you're here!
Denise
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
Thanks for the replies. I wanted to add my my AH and I have two children, who witnessed the abuse.
I have filed for divorce, but it is very hard for me, because I loved him, he is the father of my children, but that is no way to live. For me or the kids.
I was suddenly with two kids, trying to support them and find daycare for them(they are young) so I can support them.
The court dropped my restraining order because they could not serve him in person due to his hopitalization.
Therefore he came into my house and took pictures of dirty dishes and laundry that was not done and posted it on facebook and said, "This is how she takes care of her house, glad I don't live there anymore."
I called him and he would not answer my calls or see me at all.
When I did talk to him he told me he had no feelings for me anymore and did not love me anymore.
I have taken my Daughter to a counselor to deal with what she witnessed and the counselor said that he had broken all of our trust. I told my AH that and he said the only trust I need to earn back is my kids.
He also hangs up the phone on me.
This stuff hurts me. I don't know why, but it does. I feel that he owes me something.
I feel I need help processing all of this.
That is horrible and I'm so sorry to hear what you went through. It is completely normal to feel bad and even doubt. Glad to hear you took your daughter to a counselor, the best thing you can do now is get help for yourself too. Your kids are going to be watching what you do right now. I found Al-anon to be a great source of support and a place to grow. Face to face meetings are essential to me. Take care of yourself.
Welcome, you've come to the right place. What you're going through is horrible and feelings of confusion are perfectly normal. As my former therapist once told me - when I was really upset about something but felt bad about those feelings, " But if you don't feel bad about THIS , then when could you possibly feel bad ?! Your feelings right now are spot on. " I'm telling you this so you know that YOUR feelings are spot on, you are not crazy, you are normal!
I found the 2 C's very helpful - you didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. Abuse is no way to live...good for you for leaving that!
I am slightly appalled that the court dropped your restraining order...you'd think that with the recipient in the hospital he'd be a sitting duck. In my experience I did have an emergency restraining order that was lost. In the end I hired somebody to deliver the temporary restraining order since the police couldn't do it. In any case you have the most experience with your situation and will know what's best for you and your kids.
Keep coming back! This board has kept me sane during my own breakup.
Aloha TT...Welcome to the board also. From my experience as a former mens' case manager in an Alternatives to Violence program having him incarcerated and away from you and the children is the right thing to do. After the hospitalization is done he needs to be in front of the Family Court judge with you as the plaintiff. If he beat you when he was under the influence he has less than minimal control over his actions and behavior...he was drunk...not real...drunk!! If he beats you when he is not drinking he's the same thing without a chemical to add as a possible excuse why he acted that way. Good for you with the TRO...don't let any thought that you love him or should be a dutiful wife or such allow you to take center stage for his violent blows...Alcoholism is a fatal disease and that doesn't mean that only the drinker gets to die from it.
There is no justification for violence!! period. Do not put yourself or your children within that influence...get free and stay free until you can sort out right thinking and right behaviors for yourself.
Al-Anon found in the white pages of your local telephone book will have lots of us cyber support in real bodies and faces and voices. Please look up the number and call to find out where we meet and at what times so that you can come and join us and keep coming back here.
Al-Anon suggest that you have a plan B such as an extra set of car keys, clothing, money and the like so that you can make a life saving exit as you need to.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. (((((hugs)))))
My problem is, I have to see him for the kids.
He is still hateful to me. By hanging up the phone on me and having a mean tone to his voice and raising his voice to me.
He is going to AA meetings - two a day. His sister, who he lives with says he has not had a drink in 3 months.
Since then he has moved out on his own, so I am wondering if his sobriety will last now that he is on his own.
I am happy that he is getting better and getting help, but I don't understand why he is so upset with me. He has a lot of anger towards me, and honestly, I only tried to help him. I wanted the best for him, that is why I got the restraining order and filed for divorce.
Sometimes you need tough love, if I had not done that, he may not be 90 days sober. Why does he not see it like that?
I'm so sorry you are going through this. What is initially hard to realize is that they may look the same, but the alcoholism has made them insane. Genuinely insane. They are not thinking like rational people. You can see that from the violence, as well as from all the terrible decisions. They don't understand why things happen, they don't understand their part in it, they are frequently filled with anger. We literally can't expect them to understand, because they literally can't do it. Generally they need a lot of recovery and sobriety before they begin to put the pieces together. Sometimes they get some recovery but they never really put all the pieces together. I'm afraid that all too often their recovery does not stick. Sadly, nothing we can do will make them stay with recovery -- all we can control is what we do. They have to take responsibility for themselves. That's sad because it means we are powerless over them, but that's the way it is.
Generally the alcoholic is in denial, and that insane denial spreads to many people around them. So it does not surprise me that his family insists he is not drinking when he may be. Even if recovery works it is rarely a smooth road.
But the thing is that after all that, we need our own recovery too. And that we can control. You've taken the first steps by turning him over to his Higher Power and recovery (if he chooses it), and by protecting yourself, and by coming here. I hope you can get to face-to-face meetings too. They say to try six because they are all different. Nothing replaces face-to-face support.
It also helps to learn all you can by reading through all the threads here and by getting the literature from meetings. Many people benefit from "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. It is very reassuring.
Hi and welcome to MIP. I hope you are able to make it to face to face Al-anon meetings and read Al-anon literature to help you deal with everything on your plate right now. I am sending you love and support on your recovery journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I had a similar situation, though my AH didn't lay hands on me-after the protective order, getting sober and going to meetings, he came home. Even though he said it was he fault, he chose to be angry and isolate himself for almost a month. I decided I wasn't going to play the ignoring game and was polite and for the most part (we slip too) non confrontational. It is now better-still some work today, but I realize the anger comes from self-hatred and he has to work on himself.
